No Stairway Bill McLocklan, Carl Messenger and Tim Bulmer

Poets and lyricists had long desired to use words that phonetically imitate the sound they describe. Philosophers from antiquity to the modern era, linguists of all schools and several noted East Coast beatboxers have all attempted to capture the majesty of sound in words. However, it wasn’t until three brothers from Tulsa, Oklahoma under the band name Hanson had the breakout genre redefining hit “MMMBop” in 1997 that the concept of onomatopoeia was fully realised in song form. Hanson’s song was, of course, wildly successful, being voted number 20 in now long defunct television channel VH-1’s poll of the “100 greatest songs of the 1990’s” - it also notably caused world famous poet Pierre Autin-Grenier to controversially rewrite sections of his celebrated collection “L'éternité est inutile” in order to reflect the now completely transformed literary landscape.

Hanson’s keyboard player Taylor Hanson had a particularly strong reaction to his unintended effect on contemporary French poetry and subsequently spent several years in semi-retirement writing knitting patterns for the local parish magazine. He returned to music when convinced by former Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos to form the super group “Tinted Windows” although the eponymous album that followed failed to include any onomatopoeia at all. The band broke up shortly thereafter.

In this week’s episode, Carl defends the Bare Naked Ladies, Tim is rendered speechless by the hatred Bill has for Nicki Minaj whilst Bill repeatedly denies that he is clearly suffering from the effects of sleep deprivation.

This week’s Playlists:

Bill: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Anm7nKHJB7zSsbu49bPSg?si=1c58448b0ab14cf9

Carl: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7jpkMnK63aozAYu12XlR5r?si=0e5e93814ff54d14

Tim: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2nrwm4oI5R91wMfdj8BVOO?si=5b08e04a2d584e76

The Golden Shuffle: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/41uQWC10T9PaKi7YPjMlVB?si=acf1ca427b7e4999

Learned folk have often disagreed on the origins of the bass line. Today, the daemonic bastard child of the drums and the guitar is the undisputed driving force beneath all of our favourite modern popular songs, but there was a time in the recent past when records were tinny and bland and completely devoid of funk. Some blokes down the pub would have you believe that the bass line was invented by noted Italian guitar manufacturer Oliviero Pigini, who, having had the misfortune of losing both his thumbs in a kneading machine accident as a child, miscounted the number of strings on his new range of guitars in 1946.

The new 4 string guitar was an instant hit amongst less able players all around the world and thus the bass guitar was born. However, that is an old wives tale. The truth is that the bass line was invented in 1879 by Nebraskan fisherman Valentine McConaughy. Valentine had specialised in catfish and trout fishing until a working holiday in the Caribbean caused him to fall in love with bass fishing – so much so that he developed his own range of extra thick fishing line for this purpose. Alas, back home in his landlocked home state there was little call for bass fishing, however, his “bass lines” proved an instant hit amongst local thick thumbed banjo players, and the modern banging donk was just around the corner. Many Thanks, Mr McConaughy and your fat thumbed friends!

In this week’s episode, Bill accuses Carl of being disingenuous about Soft Cell, Tim accuses Bill of being “sublime” and Carl accuses OutKast of being a “bourgeois disgrace”. It’s the usual stuff, on a different day.

This weeks playlists:

Bill's playlist

Carl's playlist

Tim's playlist

It would be facetious for a music podcast to go for any length of time without acknowledging the Beatles - as has been observed many times, the undisputed greatest album of all time is The Best of The Beatles; anyone who tells you different is selling something. With the acerbic lyrical wit of John Lennon, the edgy, genre-defining lead guitar work of George Harrison and the rhythmic dependability of everyone’s favourite Beatle, Ringo Starr, the Beatles reshaped the cultural landscape of the twentieth century. Also, the bass player’s wife made some superb textured vegetable protein sausages. You may think that there is nothing left to be said about the Beatles, but we’re the guys that did an entire podcast on the best way to soundtrack a hangover, so we’re pretty sure we can find something new to offer.

In this week’s episode, Tim doubles down on his controversial opinions about Paul McCartney, Bill blames a childhood of playing in brass bands for his hatred of “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” and Carl’s hot take for the week is that Ravi Shankar’s tracks are quite good but just a little bit too long. It’s classic stuff.

This week’s Playlists:

Bill

Carl

Tim

The Golden Shuffle

It is easy to forget, in these times of endless drought, burned tundra and an inevitable future when our children choke on atmospheric red dust whilst android overlords decide our reproductive rights, that there was once a time when very small pieces of water would fall from the sky. That’s right, tiny pieces of that miracle fluid would descend from heaven - in older times they called it rain. Rain would then make plants grow - plants are those yellow and brown things on the ground. In the olden days plants were green and would grow and turn into flowers, fruits and vegetables. Seriously, when you write it down it seems very sci-fi, but this was actually how things used to be. Rain happened in other seasons, before the brutal and endless summer that the world is currently enduring. These “seasons” were called spring (mainly rain), autumn (cold rain) and winter (rain so cold it became semi-solid, like a flavourless slush puppy caught in the wind). The commemoration of these mythical “seasons” is the focus of our playlists this week. Of course, not everything went to plan - we blame the heat. Firstly, the fabulous Olivia Newton-John, the patron saint of Summer Nights, passed away whilst we were in post-production and we thus missed the opportunity for a proper send-off. Then, to add insult to injury, Bill admits that Bombay Bicycle Club are shit after all, Tim laments the lack of songs about artichokes, and Carl takes his ability to deliberately misunderstand things to a level which strains credulity. The whole thing is a shambles. This week’s Playlists: 

Bill

Carl 

Tim 

The Golden Shuffle

Billie Holiday’s invention of the phrase “Me, Myself & I” with the song of the same name in 1937, had led her at the time, quite undeservedly, to be described as “The Narcissist’s favourite chanteuse.” However the first person singular has, in recent and perhaps more egocentric times, become a popular and widespread opening to songs of all genres. From John Lennon reading the news today to Bob Marley shooting the sheriff (although I believe Bob was wildly exaggerating his tale of a lawman’s murder for dramatic effect) the opening of songs with “I this” or “I that” now hold the song appreciating public in thrall - and it is these very songs which will be our focus this week.

It is an oft forgotten fact, of course, that prior to Ms Holiday, all characters in songs were required, by international law, to have full names and titles - hence such lovable personalities as Mr Bojangles, Mrs Robinson and, of course, Major Tom. This law can be traced back as far as Charles II of England who passed it in order to make the loathsome ballad “Scarborough Fair” illegal. Although the trend in history is for formality to slowly and surely erode over time, I for one can’t help thinking that something has been lost here along the way, and I’m sure we could all agree that banning “Scarborough Fair” would be a welcome bonus.

In this episode Carl parades his ignorance of Whitney Houston’s back catalogue, Tim declares he’s “getting into the Monkees” and Bill finally admits that Bruce Springsteen is probably not writing songs for him.

This week’s Playlists:

Bill: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6f23SxSCxlNg9HH7DZ4Anh?si=3094f55b3265429d

Carl: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/289fz2lP3qiyHkIFaGGVyE?si=3d1f62c39f184d2d

Tim: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EyEc5CxNiIuXA7pywkrSw?si=21a024a2be204671

The Golden Shuffle: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/41uQWC10T9PaKi7YPjMlVB?si=735e5fa6009f4d90

Nineties Michael Jackson baiter Jarvis Cocker once asked in song “Do you remember the first time?” The song’s narrator is quick to add that he “can’t remember a worse time” – this is particularly ironic as Cocker’s debut outing with Pulp, 1983’s “It”, is perhaps their worst record. Likewise, only real die-hard fans will attempt to compare the debut albums of David Bowie, Elton John or Prince with the rest of their celebrated oeuvre. However, not everyone makes a hash of things the first time around – I potted a ball from the break with my first ever stroke of a pool cue in 1989. I never saw any reason to persevere with the sport after that, leaving those who witnessed it to mourn my wasted potential ever since. A bit like what happened with the Stone Roses, albeit without the prolonged legal action.
This week on No Stairway we’re focusing on the very best tracks which have featured on debut albums – along the way Bill goes big on Britpop nostalgia, Carl thinks better of trying to defend Tim Wheeler’s singing voice and Tim treats us all to a rampant mix of, you guessed it, atmospheric electronica. Just don’t hold your breath for any Bowie or Pulp.
This week’s playlists:
Bill's playlist
Carl's playlist
Tim's playlist
Golden Shuffle