Relationships Done Different Relationships Done Different, Access Consciousness

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Rudrani Devi about being a caring caregiver.

Rudrani has never had to fill the typical maternal or caregiving role, but after her mother moved in with her during Covid, she found her world was turned upside down. After going through a period of exhaustion, resentment and weight-gain, she began to facilitate herself and created the space she needed to care for both herself, and her mother.

 

Key points from this episode’s conversation


Becoming a Relationships Done Different Facilitator
Caregiving Done Different
Coming into Allowance
In allowance of you or of them?
Setting Boundaries
Breathing Through It
Ask For Help

Becoming a Relationships Done Different Facilitator

In 2019, although Brendon and Simone had been doing Relationship Done Different classes, there was no such thing as an Access Certified Facilitator for Relationships Done Different yet. Rudrani really wanted them to create it, especially after reading the book ‘Relationships:  are you sure you want one?’ She recognised that the tools were amazing and that they could create so much in the world, and she was a big believer that you teach what you most want to learn. 

So, what did she do? She snuck in as a host for a few of Simone and Brendan’s classes, and became a Certified Facilitator the very first time it was offered. Her life changed immensely by facilitating the classes, as did her facilitation in her role as a Relationship Counselor.

She was able to marry her two roles - as a Certified Facilitator and as a Relationship Counselor - with her clients. For example, a participant in one of her Relationships Done Different classes was going through a divorce. After attending the class, the woman decided that instead of going through with the divorce, she and her husband would simply live apart, in their own homes, and date each other again. This arrangement may seem strange, but the relationship is still going strong today!

Caregiving Done Different

Rudrani is the caregiver for her mother, which is a complete role reversal of the mother-daughter relationship for them. Rudrani has never had her own children (although she prides herself on being the favorite aunt!), and has never had to fill a typical care-giving role. However, there came a point where her mother was no longer able to care for her home herself, and they began to discuss the possibility of her moving in. Rudrani thought it would be simple and fun as her mother was a go-getter and independent. So independent, in fact, that even after Rudrani renovated her home and created a private section for her mother, it took Covid hitting to convince her to finally move in.

At that time, Rudrani was in the middle of hosting a Certified Facilitator Relationships Done Different class online, which involved being up the whole night (as Simone and Brendan were in Australia). She found classes at these times manageable when she was alone, but with her mother around, she struggled. Her mom moved in, got Covid, and Rudrani had to look after her. She was EXHAUSTED. She wasn’t in Allowance of anything, and she felt her life was suffering because of her mom. She felt she was being a bad daughter, and she put on weight (and blamed her mom for it!). Eventually, she recognized that she had to  start facilitating herself and asking what she needed to be in that situation.

Coming into Allowance

Rudrani had to come into Allowance of how much her mom loves her trauma drama. For example, her mom is a piano teacher and when she was teaching, she would demand all sorts of programs and posters that take time away from Rudrani’s work. Instead of going into resentment and stress over these demands, Rudrani took a step back and decided that it was okay.

She also looked at the 5 Elements of Intimacy, which are the basis of Relationships Done Different and every class she facilitates. It’s amazing what melts oth

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Anaa Abualfaraj about changing your relationship with your body.

Anaa grew up in a part of the world where relationships were taboo, and the only relationship she knew was the marriage relationship. Everything was taboo - even showing skin was taboo - and she didn’t know how to love herself. She was born with a body, but she was never taught how to love or listen to it.

She started Access Consciousness in order to have a relationship with herself, as that was a relationship she had never had and one that she had always been searching for. Before Access Consciousness, she never knew she could have an Interesting Point of View, where nobody was right or wrong, and that she could follow her own path.  Becoming an Relationships Done Different facilitator gave her the space to explore the relationship with herself and with her body.

Growing Up in Judgment

Anaa was raised in an environment where, as a woman, you needed to be quiet, hide your skin and lower your voice. It was a constant judgment on her body. Now, in social media, there is a different type of judgment: this picture of perfection. There are certain skin tones and body types that it seems everyone aspires to have. We see this perfection in social media but when we look at ourselves and we don’t match up, we hate ourselves. It creates a separation with the self and creates so much judgment!

As a child, Anaa had a very interesting relationship with her body. Her way to comfort herself was to eat, and her way to fit in with others was to eat, and her way to quiet her voice was to eat. In 12th Grade, she was around 100 kilograms and she hated herself. It was her way to cope with everything around her. It was as if she saw her body as wrongness and was keeping it in a cage and feeding it like an animal.

The “Aha” moment

When she started with Access Consciousness and the Relationships Done Different tools, it was like she finally let her body out of its cage. She was asking questions, but her body refused to answer or to give awareness because it had been locked up for so long and there was a lot of judgment.

The ‘Aha’ moment was when Anaa first heard Gary Douglas say, “You and your body are in a relationship together.” She realized that she couldn’t control her body:  her body had awareness by itself. She decided to discover everything that was possible with her body. 

She asked, “What do I love about carrying a weight that I love to hate? And what is the value of having this body that I’m always in constant judgment of?” She asked her body to show her how she could be in relationship with it. Essentially, she started talking to her body. There was no awareness, no answer, but she was determined. She asked what she could be or do different for her body and she started to listen. She looked at how her body felt when she ate certain things. Previously, she exercised from a judgment and hated it, but after asking her body what type of workout it enjoyed, she started walking. She tried different exercises and she experimented with the number of times she went each week. All the time, she kept asking questions and getting an awareness of what was good for her body.’

Talking to your body

The biggest shift for Anaa and her body was asking questions. The one question that she asked for months was, “What is the one thing I eat that you don’t like?” She became aware that her body reacted to gluten, so she gave it up for about two years. She doesn’t have a gluten allergy, her body just doesn’t desire gluten and she honors her body by not eating it. 

The body sometimes rebels against its person. Anaa respects everyone who is vegan/vegetarian, but when people are on a very fixed diet, the body sometimes rebels. Your lifestyle  needs to be a constant choice. Everyday you should be waking up and choosing your diet. It’s a conscious choice,

What would you have to be willing to let go of about you in order to access greater receiving? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Ashlee Rose Jellis about learning how to love yourself by truly receiving yourself.

In Ashlee’s journey to love herself, she has been exploring the power of not taking things personally and using vulnerability to access more receiving. She has discovered an ease with herself that has filtered into every relationship she has. 

Key points from this episode’s conversation


Love yourself first
Taking Rejection Personally
Rejection is not real
Is this personal?
Vulnerability as a pathway to receiving

Love yourself first

Ashlee’s life has changed significantly since using the tools of Relationships Done Different. Previously, she struggled with everything related to relationships and used to wonder when it would be over and when she would finally get it right. She took many personal-development classes and courses because she was on a path of how to love herself. She wanted to learn to love herself because she had heard everyone say, “You can’t love another before you love yourself.” It wasn’t until her first Relationships Done Different class that she actually understood what that meant.

Her world has changed in so many different ways. Before, she didn’t trust herself, and was the person in the relationship who tried to control their partner. She was constantly in her head, worrying about everything. Now she has an ease, first and foremost, with herself. And that has filtered into every relationship she is in.

Often, we focus on romantic relationships as the ‘sole purpose of our life.’ For example, you’re right if you’re in one, and you’re wrong if you’re not in one. Relationships Done DIfferent invited Ashlee to a space of changing how she relates with everything: with her body, her business, and with money. That’s something that changed dynamically for her that she never expected!

Taking Rejection Personally

Before using these tools, Ashlee took everything personally and interpreted every form of rejection as a reflection of her worth.

Rejection is something that we believe is true. When someone rejects us - whether we are dating someone, whether it’s romantic or a friendship - we have this idea that rejection is REAL. The truth is: rejection is not real and true, and it is often a choice we make to separate from ourselves and from others. We may make it about others, but you cannot reject anything or anyone before rejecting yourself. It is this illusion that we function from to stop us from having more of ourselves.

Since diving into the topic and using the tools, Ashlee has discovered that what is underneath everything is a fear of us being too close to ourselves. It is interesting because many of us express a desire for more closeness and connection and intimacy with people, but we forget that in order to have that with others, we have to create that with ourselves first. We cannot have closeness with another without actually getting closer to ourselves. 

This scares people more than anything because we don’t have reference points for getting close to ourselves. Most people think of it in a negative way and believe that if they get too close to themselves they will discover that they are a terrible person and that there are a multitude of reasons for people not to like them. So we avoid getting close to ourselves because we have decided that there is already something wrong with us. In actuality, what is more true is that you are not willing to have the greatness of you and to see where you are brilliant and a gift. 

Rejection is not real

What have you decided receiving yourself looks like or means? So often, we look at it in a negative way, as we don’t want to get too close, in case we discover too much. What have you decided will happen if you truly receive you?

As soon as we mak

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Dr. Imene Benzamouche about re-prioritising your relationships.

Imene grew up without a model of a joyful relationship and found herself resisting the idea of relationships. As an unmarried woman, she faced a lot of judgment in her community. Through addressing her own personal judgments, going into allowance, and rediscovering joy, she transformed not only her relationships but her entire life.

Key points from this episode’s conversation


Having Drama in Relationships
Choosing Relationships Done Different
Melting Your Judgments
Not choosing a relationship in a community that considers it a must
Going to Allowance
How to get to a place of clarity about your choices
Choose a joyful life
Easy ways to find joy
What energies do you want in your life?
You have to be the priority. 

Having Drama in Relationships

Imene’s life was dramatic before she found Relationships Done Different. She had a conflict, in that she always gave amazing advice to people and had a really good perspective on relationships, but found it difficult to follow her own advice. Whether it was with family, friends, romantic partners, or business partners, relationships were always a little bit hard. She didn’t know how to deal with people, how to be, or what she wanted.

Choosing Relationships Done Different

Relationships Done Different was one of the classes Imene resisted. She convinced herself there was no resistance, but class after class would go by without her signing up, and eventually she realized that she wasn’t choosing it. This was terrifying because she recognized she was going to have to look at where she was right and wrong in relationships. She had perspectives that she couldn’t apply to this reality according to her point of view, because she thought she was so right and at the same time believed she was so wrong.

Finally, she asked, “Okay, what would my life be like if I actually chose this?”

And she felt a sense of relief and expansiveness.

So the next class, she was there!

Melting Your Judgments

The class brought about so much change within Imene and within all her relationships. She started seeing how the relationships in different periods of her life - especially those with her parents - had affected her relationships with men and women in the present.

Facilitated by peoples’ questions in class and using the tools and the manual,  she looked at what she had hidden from herself. Her judgments on relationships melted away and she started discovering how and what she actually wanted as her life and her relationships. Her whole life, not only her relationships, changed. 

Not choosing a relationship in a community that considers it a must

Imene faced a lot of judgment as she is from an Arab background and being unmarried at thirty is not accepted in her community.

Growing up in this landscape, she didn’t have a model of a joyful relationship and the relationships she looked at were not very appealing. When she asked herself what she actually liked in a relationship, whether she wanted kids, whether she wanted to be married, or whether she even wanted to commit or not, it didn’t sound joyful for her. Not only was she being judged, but she was also judging the relationships she was seeing.

Going to Allowance

Imene used to feel resistance to others’ point of view, because she didn’t know what she wanted and what her point of view was. As she started getting over the rightness and wrongness of being or not being married, she realized it was just choice.

When you get to the space of acknowledging that everything is just a choice and you don’t have to choose something just because it is the accepted thing to do, you can go to Allowance. 

For example, people used to pray for Imene to find a husband, and eventually she recognized that they were saying what they were saying from what they thought was a place of

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Layal Alnajjar about Finding The Fun & Joy In Relationship.

Layal is a Relationships Done Different facilitator and creates classes in the Middle East. Layal used to struggle with relationships and found herself choosing from a space of lack and need. She believed she needed a partner to ‘complete’ her. Through honouring her relationship with herself, she has discovered how to create a life of joy and abundance.

 

Key points from this episode’s conversation



Living a life of total ignorance


 


When choosing a relationship, where do you choose from?

 


Switching from functioning from a space of need
Finding the joy in your relationship with yourself
Tools to get out of the space of need and lack

Living a life of total ignorance

Before Relationships Done Different, Layal lived a life of total ignorance. It was a litany of judgments, and she believed she was always wrong when it came to relationships.

The first  Access class she took was not Relationships Done Different, but Talk To The Entities!  However, with the entities and that relationship with the universe, the invitation to be a RDD facilitator became clear.

Being You Changing the World changed things for her. It clicked for her that she could be herself and that being herself was okay, and she began to seek more.

The first relationship she realized she was sucking at was the relationship with herself. She recognized that she wasn’t demanding enough of herself, and she struggled with the idea that she didn’t fit in with others. And without knowing how to fit in, she acted from the place of  wanting to show others how different she was, so they could judge her. She believed she needed to struggle. 

Now Layal doesn’t have the need to show others she is different: she knows she is different. 

When choosing a relationship, where do you choose from?

Something Layal has noticed in her facilitation of Relationships Done Different, the sessions she has and the Access classes she takes, is that often people are seeking relationships out of need, and not out of the acknowledgment that a relationship could complement their lives. People feel there is a lack within themselves when they are not in a relationship, and that in the eyes of society they are wrong.  They can’t enjoy their lives, even if their lives are full of excitement and joy, as there’s always this nagging feeling of lack. 

For example, there was a time when Layal used to feel like she was always the third wheel with other couples. The feeling of the third wheel was so strong that she started to think that there was something wrong with her, and that she shouldn’t go out. 

When she acknowledged that it was okay that she wasn’t in a relationship, she could create a relationship from a space of abundance and having another person as a complement to her life, instead of completing it. 

Switching from functioning from a space of need

In Layal’s first Relationships Done Different class, even before becoming a facilitator, she had an ‘ah-ha’ moment. There are so many questions that you don’t ask yourself when you are or aren’t in a relationship. And when you have those questions coming at you, it’s like eye-opening.

Creating a relationship was never in Layal’s realm of possibilities before. She felt lonely, trapped, sad, depressed and, even though her divorce was her choice, she still felt inadequate. There wasn’t an inkling of thinking that she could create, firstly, a relationship with herself. That was never on the table. She always thought people got into a relationship in order to feel complete and that relationships were the only way to feel complete. But what is ‘complete,’ really?

That’s the lack, and the need. And why would you choose lack and need?

Instead, she started acknowledging that everything she does and all the people in her life are

Relationships with our family members can be complicated, but what if they don’t have to be? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Kayla Leung about how the tools can transform your relationships with your family. 

Kayla previously struggled with her family members and believed she would always be the black sheep. However, through choosing the Access tools, she has transformed her relationships and has allowance and gratitude for her family members.

 

Key points from this episode’s conversation


How can Relationships Done Different change your point of view on relationships?
Our first relationships are with our families
The tools can change your family relationships
Choosing from Possibility
Stop Reacting
Being grateful for our families
Ask for advice
Give compliments

 

How can Relationships Done Different change your point of view on relationships?

Kayla used to avoid committed relationships and preferred short-term, non-committal ‘situationships’. Kayla is a Doctor in Psychology and specializes in family and marriage therapy. She saw many clients who complained about their relationships falling apart, which reinforced her belief that relationships would only cause trouble for her. She had an “I’m better by myself” mentality.

When Kayla gained access to the tools and read Simone’s book, “Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?”, she had a realization that there was a space or a possibility in relationships that she had never considered. People  tend to go into the rightness or wrongness of being or not being in a relationship, but what if there is a space beyond that, where relationships can be just for fun? Even if you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to be in it forever.

Through this awareness, Kayla became open to having and choosing relationships. 

Our first relationships are with our families

The first relationships we all go into are those with our family. Often, they can be complicated, but having peace with your family, you shouldn’t have to fight, defend, make yourselves small or fit a certain mold to meet their expectations. You shouldn’t have to fight for your individuality. 

The tools can change your family relationships

Kayla previously had terrible relationships with her family and believed she would always be the outcast, the black sheep of the family. Over time, with the tools, so much has changed.

Her parents had a difficult marriage, which influenced her points of view about relationships and marriage. She used to avoid committed relationships because she thought they would lead to future problems. When Kayla began going into allowance, she realized that their relationship didn’t belong to her, and her points of view began to change.

Many children grow up in similar situations, and feel they have to ‘choose a side.’ They tend to see one parent as the ‘victim’ and the other as the ‘villain’, and try to protect the ‘victim’ by making the ‘villain’ wrong. That becomes a part of their life story. 

Kayla realized she wasn’t choosing relationships because she was trying to avoid having the same relationship as her parents.

Choosing from Possibility

Kayla was choosing from probability, not possibility. Probability is trying to predict whether or not you will follow or copy your parents’ relationship. This is not Choice. Possibility is unpredictable and allows you to choose something different.

When Kayla started choosing for herself, she noticed that her sibling relationships began to change too. She had previously had a very difficult relationship with her older sister but when she chose the way she wanted to live and honor her family, things began to shift. 

Even if a person treats you terribly, they are still a gift, as they show you that you are strong enough to handle that treatment. You may have difficult times with someone, but when you are choosing f