Social Skills Unscripted Steph West, Starfish Social Club

While our social groups and summer camp here at Starfish Social Club are geared towards kids and teens, kids and teens grow into adults! At some point along the way, the focus often shifts from making friends to dating and romantic relationships.

 

We talked about romantic relationships a bit this month in the module our students are currently going through, but it's not something we spend a lot of time on. That's why I'm glad there are other people who do focus on dating for those of us who are neurodivergent!

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking about autistic dating with Jen and Kim from The Mix. They are dating coaches and have created a platform for autistic adults to meet, mingle, and form relationships. 

  

Here's a clip from the episode:

Practicing ahead of time what you can expect, but also planning to say, “This isn't going the way I want to so when this happens, I'm going to do this. If this happens, I'm going to do this.” You know, for the… even down to simple conversation starters. So having some conversation starters or some things that you're willing to share back and forth. That's a… that's part of a plan.

 

And then if somebody starts talking about something that maybe makes you uncomfortable, saying, “Oh, I'm not quite comfortable with this, let's talk about this.” Or a way to segue into something else. And just really, it's knowing that it's okay to feel however you you feel and embracing if you're sitting there in silence for a few minutes. That's okay, too. You know, just… just discovering all of the different possibilities and the… a lot of times we all play as humans the ‘what if game’. And that's fun for a little bit, but then it, it could really get you caught up in your own head doing the ‘what ifs’ for… for a little bit of time. But then also having a plan for… having a plan for not having a plan.


Where to find The Mix Dating:

www.themixdating.com

IG: themixdating

I'm going through a 'life phase' right now where I'm learning and doing and trying a bunch of new things. 

 

Some days I feel a bit frustrated that I didn't know some of these things sooner, or that I have never done something like this before, or that I'm as old as I am and this is all new to me. 

 

And then I cut myself some slack because it's not like there's a manual for all the things we need to know in life. 

 

It's very much the same when it comes to the social world. There is no manual for how things work socially. This is why I don't believe in there being a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do things. 

 

I have learned, however, that there are strategies and techniques that are more likely to lead to the outcomes we want, and those that are less likely to do so. Here at Starfish, I teach students the strategies that are more likely to lead to better relationships with others.

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing the things we as adults misunderstand about our kids making friends including some things I have done myself in my 'former life'! My goal with this episode is to help all of us be a little more aware of how we may actually be making it harder for our kids, and what we can do instead.

  

Here's a clip from the episode:

 

I think it's really important that, if we as the adults have a goal, a desire, a wish, a dream for our kiddo to have more friends, that they also have that goal or desire or wish or dream, even if they're not consciously aware of it. It may be things that you've heard your child say. Maybe you've heard them mention that they don't have friends. Or maybe you've heard them make comments about how other people have friends, maybe they've noticed that. Maybe they don't talk about the word 'friend' specifically, but they talk about feeling lonely or feeling left out or feeling different.

 

These are all things our kids may say that help us recognize that they're feeling a lack of connection to their peers. So it doesn't have to be that they've specifically talked about friends, but just that we've noticed they have noticed that they're feeling a bit disconnected from their peers. That's what we're looking for. If you don't notice that in your kiddo right now, it's okay. It may just be the phase of social development that they're in right now that they don't really notice or recognize that they don't have friends. 

Last week a friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook of a messageboard with a cryptic message that I couldn't uncrack. I scrolled through the comments and saw that it's 'court reporter speak'. I have zero familiarity with this 'language', and seeing it made me even more confused as to how it's actually useful!

 

It's interesting how we all interpret things differently. How two people can look at a picture or a situation or a person and see two completely different things.



The message on the board in court reporter language is the Serenity Prayer. The one about accepting the things we cannot change and changing the things we can. 

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking to Christine MacCarroll about her experience seeing her child's challenges differently than others were seeing them. It's an amazing story about how Christine realized there were things that she could change that ultimately led to a completely different outcome for her daughter.

  

Here's a clip from the episode:

The brain is literally the only thing where we're not looking at the health of the organ when we're talking about symptoms, right? So if we're talking about heart health, we would never talk about heart health and then not be talking about saturated fat and fiber, right? But we really talk about symptoms that are related to the brain, and we don't talk about the health of the brain or the needs of the brain. And so the energy factories inside of our cells, which are the mitochondria, are super, super hungry and active in the brain. And so if we're not feeding them what they need, then they're just not going to be able to run right. And then the things that are symptomatic for someone, like not being able to focus or sit still or having executive function issues, those are just going to be amplified because the actual organ doesn't have what it needs to run, right?



And so my analogy for this is: If you want to build a brick house, you have to use bricks. And it seems really simple, but you can't use toilet paper. And you could bring me an entire semi-truck of toilet paper, but if you want to brick house, you need bricks. And so your brain needs certain bricks. So having balanced blood sugar means to me that you have provided energy at a nice regular pace where your brain has the energy that it needs on a regular basis. 



Where to find Christine:

ChristineMacCarroll.com

IG: Christine.MacCarroll

In our weekly social groups, we are finally talking about friends! We've been building up to this point for a while. 

 

Any time we learn something new, there's also some unlearning that has to happen. That's what has been going on in our groups: I am helping students unlearn what they THINK friendship is. Over the years, I've realized and recognized several different misconceptions our kids have when it comes to who friends are, and how to actually make them.

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing these misconceptions, why they matter, and what actually has to happen for our kids (or anyone, really) to make friends.

  

Here's a clip from the episode:

You may be thinking, wondering, why does it really matter? Why does it matter if my kiddo refers to other people as friends, even when they're not? Why does it matter if my kiddo thinks he has 14 friends even when he doesn't? It matters because the expectations... the social expectations between acquaintances and friends are different.



A great example is that we are expected to engage in small talk when we run into one of our acquaintances. But even things like the question: How's it going? Or: How are you? When an acquaintance asks us that question, the expected response is the social fake. It's something like, 'I'm good', 'I'm okay, how are you?' Even if we're not good, or if we're not okay. With an acquaintance, we're just trying to be polite and friendly. And so usually we do the social fake, even if things aren't really so great. It would be really awkward for an acquaintance to ask us how we're doing and for us to unload on them about how we've had a really rough day.

I really love learning new things, especially when those things help me figure out more about myself. I had no idea that was going to be the case when I scheduled an interview with this week's guest, Niki McGlynn.

 

The more Niki talked about her work with primitive reflexes, the more I realized she was describing so many of the things that are a challenge for me physically. From my over-the-top startle reflex to my inability to look behind me while cycling without crashing, Niki had an explanation (and, more importantly, a solution) for it all.

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, Niki and I are going deep into the topic of primitive reflexes. What are they, how does their inability to integrate affect how we think, feel, and operate in the world, and what can be done for people like me who apparently are very dis-integrated?

  

Here's a clip from the episode:

 

Steph: I can think about a physical activity and I can know that I can't do it. I can't jump. I can't jump! I don't understand the process that allows people to jump. And so if I just stand straight, I get, like, very little clearance off the ground. I would never try to run and jump over an object. Never. I don't understand the mechanics of jumping. 

 

Niki: This is why... this is why I love reflex integration. Because... because if we could integrate your reflexes, you'd be able to do that. And it sounds like a tiny thing but when you can't do something that everybody else can do, it's really frustrating because you go, 'well, what's wrong with me?' Why is it... you know, I mean, and this is a typical story I think of ... of adult diagnosis of ADHD and autism and dyslexia and everything is you spend your whole life going, 'Well, what's wrong with me? Why can everybody else do it and I can't do it? You know, clearly, I'm a weirdo.' But actually no, it's just that actually, you've got a neurodevelopmental issue. And integrating reflexes can help.



Where to find Niki:

Niki McGlynn

www.organisedmind.co.uk

One of the most important needs we all have as humans (once our basic needs are met) is the need to be seen for who we are. 

 

If you think about the people in your life that are the most important to you, chances are it's because they make you feel seen for who you are. They love you, they care about you, they respect you. Even when you've had a rough day. Even when you mess up. Even when things aren't going well. Even when you aren't sure who you are.

 

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm exploring the question of who our kids really are. 



I've recently made some changes in my life and it's shown me that sometimes who we think we are is based on everything EXCEPT us. It's based on who others want us to be, who we wanted to be when we were younger, even who we want to stop being, but can't.



I'm also sharing strategies for how to help your kids uncover who they really are, and how to love the child that is in front of you.

 

Here's a clip from the episode:

We aren't learning who we are, as we get older. We're unlearning who we thought we were. And that quote really resonates with me because I think we're all our truest selves when we're about four and five years old. I think we can look at four- and five-year-olds and we can have a good idea of what that child enjoys, what they like, who they are, what's important to them, what's meaningful to them, what their personality is like. And then, kind of society at large just jumps in and we start kind of molding kids into what we think they should be, in order to have a job. In order to get accepted to college. In order to have friends. In order to fit in. Whatever the case may be. In order to not be so difficult. And I think a lot of the personalities, especially of our kids, tend to get smushed in the process. 




Praise episode: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/yz7gf1UedIb



Autism awareness episode: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/nJ2wPqaJtIb