Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah.   We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings. We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of...

We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed".  And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the b******t parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room. It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the...

Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing.  This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again. We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing)...

We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions. Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye. This superstition...

We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book. David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone! And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle....

David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull? Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go.  Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways,...

BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David! See! I could have written headlines during bible times.  Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly. Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son, Jonathan. Unfortunately, Jonathan seems like he must be prettier than he is smart. He...

We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath!  God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a short, handsome king. And like an 80s New York real estate baron, he doesn't give a shit if there's overlap. Like maybe file for divorce BEFORE anointing the next one, right? We also find a big narrative flaw when David is hired to play the lyre for Saul and David becomes like a member of the royal family. Then in the Goliath story Saul suddenly...

Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels. But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small...

Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him? Ughhhhhh... Saul pisses off the all powerful Lord by cooking meat without a license. Samuel pulled him over and cited him for sacrificing without bribing a priest. Thus our God of Love passes judgement like a coked out squirrel. Saul's son, Jonathan, carries out a plan so vague the Philistines never saw it coming and he deals a massive defeat to them....

I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times before. But in the words of esteemed Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Samuel begrudgingly tells everyone that since they have rejected God being their king, probably because nothing seemed to get done, that he's going to appoint a king for them. And luckily the most handsome and tallest guy in Israel just happens to stop by looking for...

In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies. And we start with a story of Israel not only losing to their enemies but having the Ark stolen from them... So what was the point of the Ark again? God gets real testy with the folks who steal the Ark. Of course, he could get the Ark back in all kinds of non-violent ways if he, in his divine goodness, chose to. But he just gives everyone cancer and...

Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and s****y sons who steal meat. That's right, what other book could this be than 1 Samuel? Samuel is the profit (sp?) that ends up appointing Saul to be king, realizing that was a f**k up and then appointing David, which works out completely fine with no issues at all. And this is starts his origin story.  We learn about Samuel's barren mother, Hannah, who only gets...

WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that. We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. We talk about everything in this SEO-friendly bullet list: Leaving religionThe Waco miniseries7th Day AdventistsA crazy Jehovah's Witness dream Jill hadTrixie MattelPornhubChurch abuseSister CindyHealing autismBlood transfusionsAnd child marriageThank you to everyone who has supported us over the last two years! We love you! Website -...

Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait. We meet a certain Levite who turns out to be Moses' grandson. An ambitious young man who doesn't seem to be bothered by Micah breaking all the laws his grandfather came up with. And when his concubine runs away he has a hell of a time bringing her home. There's really just no good way of summing this up without giving away what happens. So you have to...

Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice!  We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do for the Lord. And the things the Lord lets us do for him despite being a loving, all knowing and all powerful Lord. Our first Judge this episode is Jephthah. A guy that likes to make weirdly specific promises to God if he helps him kill his enemies. Our second Judge is a guy you may have heard of before. He's the biggest prima donna in the...

This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us.  But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him.  Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS! And finally we discuss the...

The bible is SO PRO-WOMAN! As you'll be able to tell from the story of Deborah, the only female Judge. Her story is well balanced in comparison to the story of Gideon, the other Judge for this episode. Gideon is the closest we get to a scientist in the bible, what with his not trusting a single sign from God and requiring further evidence. Moist, soggy evidence. Unfortunately Gideon wasn't much of a dad to his 71 kids, so one of them kills almost all of the other 70 and tries to take over...

Sit down, Judge Judy! We're talking about Judge SHAMGAR!!! That's an EPIC name for a judge, isn't it? It's going to be an amazing story, right!? The point of the Book of Judges is to fill in the gaps between Joshua and the Israelites "demanding" their first king. A cycle, similar to Exodus, where the chosen people continually let God down, get spanked by God, come back to God, and God forgives until they let God down again. Over and over and over. We dig into the first 3 stories of Judges....

We wrap up the Book of Joshua and boy does it make time stand still. Apparently God makes the sun stand still for a whole day and somehow that didn't cause everything and everyone to go flying off into space. Why would a god capable of doing that tell people to kill each other? Probably to teach us a lesson about faithfulness.  Excuse the meow's in the background. We did our best but Frodo just couldn't help sharing his thoughts and opinions. He's a Hare Krishna and a real...

You remember that part of the bible when Jesus performed the miracle of getting a rabbit to lay chocolate, cream filled eggs? No? Well then you're just not reading the bible right. We dig into what the hell happened for Christians to turn Jesus' resurrection into a fertility festival geared toward grooming children into their "lifestyle".  Eostre, Ishtar, Ostara, Esther, and Easter. Just getting this all in for SEO purposes. We talk about all of them. How they connect and how they don't....

We all remember the songs about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho and the cartoons and the children's books. All those glorious money-making forms of "art" that taught children valuable lessons about walking in circles around a city and not shouting until God says it's ok, while ignoring that the story was about divinely mandated genocide.  Let's play a drinking game. Every time God says kill kids, you drink. (Don't really do this. I'm not legally responsible for your alcohol...

I'll be honest. This episode is about crossing a river. We cover 5 chapters of the bible, and at the beginning of it some people are on one side of a river, and at the end those people are on the other side of the river.  If you're into rivers, this episode is for you. If you loved River Phoenix in the 1992 cinema masterpiece "Sneakers" then this episode is for you. If you loved the 1992 cinema masterpiece "A River Runs Through It" this episode is NOT for you. That movie was about going down...

While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part. I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the people it talks about. What I found cracked my view of the world apart like the first time...

We finally cover the story of the little wooden prophet who wanted to be a real boy so bad he ended up in the belly of a whale. Ok, so he wasn't wooden, didn't want to be a real boy, and it was a fish and not a whale. But still!  Hear the iconic tale of Jonah being swallowed for a fi... oh it's over? Just like that, it's just done? Well how are we going to sell children's books based on this? Children and their parents aren't going to read the original story so we can make up stuff to fill...