Learn how to break the news to your boss’s escort that she’s 100 miles offshore and won’t see land again for a really long time. 

This week, Captains Eric Kerber and Darren Dorris navigate us to the casino buffet with nothing but a compass heading, we spend $35,000 on poles to help us catch tiny bonito, learn why striped bass love the smell of diesel fuel, and invite Lavar Burton to read us the flounder regulations. 

This week, lure maker Dennis Perko and tattooer “Sideshow” Brian Woolverton fight over who gets to drive the Milf Hunter 5000 to the fishing expo, we stuff a water wolf in the freezer and financially ruin our parents, glide bait our way to internet trolling, and die eating Montana sushi. 

This week, Joe and his best bud, Mark Wizeman, muscle through a show after chasing a 5-year-old rainbow slayer around all day, Pastor Ted drops by to bless their quest for “orange trout,” we get kicked out of a bar for underage flyfishing, and impress the ladies with our mud stockings.

This week, veteran Niagara River guide Frank Campbell trades fish heads for seedy massages, we put antiseptic ointment on the lips of smallmouth bass, ruin the life of a lady from Kentucky, and upset an Englishmen by kicking his fish into the strip club.

This week, Mark Davis of “BigWater Adventures” fights the oldest oak tree in Texas fueled by one sip of Coke Zero, we see who can handle more dorsal spines to the back of the calf, struggle to reel in the head of a dead amberjack, and wrestle a goliath group after our flip flops absorb a lightning strike.

This week, media legend Steve Quinn of In-Fisherman gives us pointers for catching eels in Manhattan, we bomb job interviews arranged by our moms, learn why bass got no respect in 1989, and allow our kids to squander careers in Major League Baseball to catch more pike. 

This week, master fly tyer Brandon Bailes reminisces about his grandad’s trout theft operation, we slice our fingers off on live television, teach OCD people how to organize their healing crystals, and improve our wet fly game by being completely ignorant about how to fish wet flies. 

Jimmy Fee teaches us how to spotlight for blue claw crabs and become a family outcast on vacation by eating too many of them.

This week, Jimmy Fee of On The Water flirts with disaster trying to be a family man and get his black drum fix at the same time, we get into a verbal dispute on a stocker stream, juke a rival angler with a rising chub fake-out, and do really dangerous junk on a janky pontoon raft. 

This week, Chris Bohlman of the “Retro Bassin’” YouTube channel gets big in Japan, we leaf through the ’91 Bass Pro Catalog and order all the wrong things, decide a frog is frog as long as Larry chokes on it, and jitterbug our way to glory with a Color C-Lector. 

This week, Dr. Solomon David wheels in the TV cart so we can watch rough fish heal all mankind, we go out for beers after class to discuss drone fishing tactics, get a kleptomaniac hooked on bowfin, and flunk out of chemistry because we just had to go striper fishing last night. 

This week, a plethora of show regulars share stories of stocked trout fishing from the low-down to the sweet and cheesy, we get kicked out of school to become Rooster Tail heros, throw pellets at dirty dog owners, and sell jars or pure stank to drunk people.

This week, Miles Nolte feng shuis your fly box and hammers with a gas station spoon, we make out with sweaty strangers in New Orleans, fail to be West Coast cool on eastern rivers, gobble trout sashimi, and settle for a closed-face second prize. 

Learn how to dodge aggressive hawks in a sea plane and miss bulls on parade because they’re beyond nipple deep. 

This week, lodge owner, musician, and tattooer Theophile Bourgeois improves our casting with white lace, we play sludge metal and sip dessert bloody Marys, endure pain in our drum holes, and get wasted on a stranger’s houseboat. 

This week, Joe and Captain Eric Kerber teach you how to increase your odds of dying in a helicopter, the boys garnish Alaskan shark frustration with orchid petals, ruin vacation for wildlife photographers, and pass on throwing little in-line spinners on massive tuna rods. 

This week, Robert Hawkins and Justin Carfagnini of Bob Mitchell’s Fly Shop have trouble recognizing famous hockey players, we eat fried chicken with the predator in the water closet, trade used gear for Macy’s gift cards, and cry about losing our favorite Adidas hat.

This week, Nate P. and Erik S. of “Shore Lunch With Nate P.” thwart feline attacks and fish next to a water skiing Jeff Bezos, we savor the essence of beer and urine at Prince’s favorite club, throw raw bacon at unsuspecting fans, and dunk worms with the goodest boys in Minnesota.

Legendary surfcaster Bob “The Garbage Man” Bratananananewski explains the benefits of Pilates and why you’re not special because you can catch blitzing striped bass. 

This week, former tackle shop owners Bill and Helen Brinkman explain why you never give free coffee to anglers, we discuss getting in bar fights with rod-and-reel thieves, recall the essence of liquified Atlantic sturgeon, and drive a giant Buick right into the minnow tanks. 

This week, Mike Williams of “The Blair Witch Project” encourages kids to trespass in abandoned buildings while fishing, we watch tight liners duke it out with Brad Pitt, discuss a severe injustice to marlin anglers, and sink our fangs into “Blood Hook”

This week, walleye guide Ross Robertson goes deep on “video game fishing” and shallow on compliments, we steal a new Huffy bicycle from a little girl at a derby, get forward-facing about bedded bluegills, and ride off in an Argo like Thelma and Louise. 

This week, Mike Sudal, John Frazier, and Rob Ceccarini dredge up tales of Great Lakes steelhead from the pre-kids era, we come very close to amputating a Florida boy’s foot, figure out the best way to explain a testicle injury to our dads, and chuck-n-duck our way through an onslaught of expensive Scotch. 

This week, veteran surf guide Bill Wetzel pushes the limits of whiskey and waders, we get our Hummers stuck in the dunes of social despair, chase reports of striper doom, and go Kamikaze on kids with tackle that’s too nice for them to own.