Keys to Healthy Accountability Is it possible to hold people accountable in a way that is healthy for relationships?  Why has accountability received such a bad rap?  Why is it such an unpopular subject? Many people have had bad experiences with unhealthy accountability that feels more like control, judgement, manipulation and even punishment. It is not your job to punish a spouse, friend or employee for not doing what they are supposed to do.  It is not your job to force him or her to stop or change the unhealthy behavior.  Accountability is not about trying to make someone else be or do what you want. You are not responsible for your partner’s actions or decisions.  If you have permission or request from your spouse to point out when they get off track from something they want to do, your job is just to point it out, not to control or cajole them. What he or she does with that information is out of your hands. Healthy accountability starts with a servant heart. It starts with, how am I here to serve you?  It is not at all about I am here to make you shape you or break you. More effective words for accountability might be how can I help “support”, “encourage”, or “assist” you in accomplishing what you want? The foundation for beneficial accountability is a strong relationship characterized by unconditional love and complete transparency. Healthy accountability thrives in a safe environment where there is unconditional love and transparency. Healthy accountability requires fostering honest, open communication.  People need to know that sharing the good, the bad and the ugly will all be received with the same love, acceptance and even forgiveness when needed. Healthy accountability thrives in an environment where people know that nothing they do or don’t do will make you love them any more or less.  Honest mistakes do not make me look down on your or punish you, whether in family or in business and regardless of the size or consequences. Radically close relationships require radical transparency.  And transparency is a pre-requisite to healthy accountability.  For example, in our family we give each other full access to each other’s life including passwords for everything. Hiding things or lying is a cardinal offense because it destroys transparency and trust and diminishes the ability to have healthy accountability in that relationship. Whenever accountability moves towards control it becomes cancerous to the relationship. Accountability can easily turn to judgement and control easily whenever the actions desired become more important than the relationship. Accountability requires relationship and permission. You only know how and when to hold someone accountable best when you have a close relationship with someone. In reality we can't truly hold someone accountable, as if we had complete control over someone else's behavior.  We can't force someone else to be accountable.  We can actually only hold ourselves accountable.  Self accountability is taking extreme ownership for our own actions.  What we can do is hold ourselves accountable for supporting someone else in their efforts to hold themselves accountable. The specifics of how accountability is done will look different in each relationship.  However, there are three steps that seem to be fairly common in any healthy accountability relationships. Simple Three Step System for Healthy Accountability Understand what the other person wants and determine best way to help them. Seek first to understand their desires. Ask questions like, “What do you really want in this area of your life (or business) to look like? What would you need to do to make that happen?”  That means the other person has to have a desire to be do or have something different. You can't make that up for them or make them want something that you think