Their you are, coming back from somewhere you’re not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself. You got gas, what's going on? Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala’s desk! Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop! You’d be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you’ve been, you filthy...

If the insult of turkey bacon wasn’t enough for you, say hello to AI for Pets. Let’s say your pup is outside waiting for the snow cone truck when suddenly he gets a terrible itch. He can’t let that itch to win and miss the snow cone truck (even though it does come back tomorrow) so AI for Pets kicks in to find where that itch is coming from and get to it quicker. Way better than Memory Foam, A.I. for pets means a tail-wagging good time for little Bingo. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Now you can get the same IV drip the President gets before he has to talk. It's called The Weasel, and it helps you yell out in short, sassy bursts for at least an hour if you need to impress the media. And nobody has to know! If The Weasel doesn’t kill you first, it’ll damn sure get you up on your hind legs and ready for your next tractor pull. That little man in your ear telling you what to say still takes care of everything – so you’re good. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Those cats at the Wuhan Lab are all excited about their new 100% lethal brew they've been cooking up for the west. “No more fooling around,” said the Veloso-raptor of the wet market, “Our newest Chinese virus is 100% deadly to humanized mice.” That’s cute and all but how can you tell if your mice are humanized or not? What exactly do you look for? What gives it away? Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp/Think Tank want to know. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America! TicTok knows if you have a spare room and is ready to tell on you - it's so international. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody deserves a shot, even Blind Pilots. So what if they can’t see. Overcoming diversity and stuff is way more important. Enter Activist Airlines who quietly announced a brave new equity and inclusion program that is set to hand the keys to world’s first Blind Pilot. The subject proudly earned his pilot's license after two years of theoretical aviation. And of course the usual 1,500 hours of flight time was waived just to make it fair.  So keep an eye out for news of flight 2034...

Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t still sell tickets. Say hello to AI Elvis, in case you missed it the first time while he was still warm. Relive it all with AI Elvis - pretend entertainment from the time before filtered water when Poxy Lady was playing on the radio and ThighMaster was all over TV. Think of it like a tour of Lake Flaccid, with nurses standing by in case you need to let the dough rise twice. AI Elvis is just the first to pop out of God’s waiting room. Who’ll...

Sleepy Joey really likes being the Big Cheese, and now he wants you to make him big cheese again. Four more years Joey, that’s a lot of cheese! Remember, after Bernie you were just the other white meat. When you’re the big cheese you can say whatever crazy stuff you want, like, “that border is closed, economy is good, crime is down” and no body yells at you because, well, you’re the big cheese! But let’s say that cheese is orange, then everything is different! Maybe orange cheese is...

In California, drinking toilet water is the next step in the transformation to full crazy. “People are naturally moisture wicking,” said Governor Tapeworm, and we’re going to squeeze it out of ‘em to keep the pipes full.” What a pant load! Squeezing water out of the California sewer system can tell you a lot about the last guy - if you really want to know. You can tell if he smoked menthols or liked jalapenos - probably not something you need to think about but there it is anyway! Humm,...

If you’re at least 16, the Donkey tribe says you’re ready to vote. They're sure you’ll vote for them, so why not. Whispering Joe and his dark passenger Giggles are getting desperate, so this might be the only move left. But here’s the thing, voting at 16 is like playing mumbly peg with the ballot. You never really know where the sharp end is going to land. Remember, there’s a reason why glass blowers don’t inhale. Just picture yourself voting at 16, scary isn’t it. Hear Podcast ~ Wash...

Your kitchen appliances listen to everything you say. They hear it all and nark on you to cyber command. Mention buying a Lexus in front of the toaster and a salesman will be headed your way before you can snap out of it and come to your senses. It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake. Remember this is how Hunter got caught! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

California Governor, the one who wears the wreck of the Exxon Valdez on his head, decided to pack up all the street people in San Fran, have them smell checked, and then shipped them out of town before heavy cats coming in for the big meeting got an eyeful of the homeless and their droppings. “It’s like picking up your dirty socks and putting them in the hamper before guests arrive,” said the Governor, just before send everyone out for a weekend of glamping in Oakland. Like Kamala said, we...

It's Musk vs. Soros in our first Otis Speed Dating Debates. Musk opens by explaining that the word Soros comes from the Flemish root word “sore” which means “make everyone miserable,” a life-long passion for young George that began when rooting for whatever bad guy Roy Rogers was up against that week on TV. “More misery,” cried George, while while cheering for the bad guys to get let out of cowboy jail! “They’re just oppressed victims of the system,” he would tell his little friends who...

If you are still on the fence over Bidenomics, maybe this will shove you off. If you’re being punished and have to live in New York, you'll get to pay eighteen bucks for a Big Mac, and that’s before global warming tax and diversity tax there to help with the guilt of just being you – you filthy pig! It's the wonder of Bidenomics. And when you’re living with a combustible mixture of ignorance and power, the effects can linger. So HIDE YOUR STUFF! Dig a hole in the back yard and bury your...

The ThighMaster lady who used to be on TV showing you how to tame those saddle bags is gone now. So you’re on your own to squeeze and release. When there's just too much groceries, ThighMaster has to work overtime trying to put it all back in the bag. Never have so many spilled out so much! You would think people would know when they’re NOT ready to model underpants on TV. But there it is anyway. So before you reach for those eatin’ pants again, ask the game warden what he’d recommend. ...

The lady in the pant suit is done trying to convince you of anything. That takes way too long, and she and Bill just don’t have that kind of time. What we need now, says Mama, is Formal Deprogramming for your sorry behind so just give up and vote for the Donkey. So we wanted to find out more about Formal Deprogramming and what’s so formal about it – you know, compared to regular deprogramming where they just put salt peter in your food. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You’ve got your good AI and you’ve got your discount AI. How do you know which one you’re getting? Two tin cans and a piece of string? “Hello – can you hear me.” And the string has a knot in it! That’s discount AI. Never leave any AI alone and unsupervised. It could register you to vote in Baltimore and you’ll never know it. Hell the people in Baltimore never knew it either. So before you let AI in the front door, you better find out who’s been feeding it first. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Half of everywhere is infested with men. So finding a husband isn’t that hard. Finding the right one is. As an international man of mystery I can help with that, since you’re gonna need to know what you’re dealing with. Now remember, men are naturally stinky and have no visible means of support. And they can sleep standing up. Only a widow knows where her husband is at all times, so don’t expect too much at first. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Have you heard about shrinkage? Everybody’s talking about it. Used to be called stealing, but that was way too honest and could be offensive to simple organisms. They don’t have shrinkage in China or Mexico or even LotaVodka, mainly because they just cut off your hands if you’re caught shrinking something into your bag. Junk Culture tells us that "shrinkage" helps people feel better about themselves, but they probably still won’t want to go RV-ing. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

If you’re thinking about hiring little Johnny from the local high school to come work at your store and sell tube socks, here are some things you need to know. First, don’t expect too much because Johnny can’t read and damn sure can't add. But to be fair, neither can any of the other “graduates.” But yes, Johnny would love to come work at your store, and thanks for asking, as long as you’re paying $42 an hour! He can do that much math. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Did you know that beer has an expiration date? After a certain date you’re supposed to throw it out because it may not taste like what you'd expect. But, it’s beer right? You’re expecting what exactly? So beer gets thrown out if it’s too old, but Joey gets to keep his job and doesn't get thrown out? Isn’t President Joey expired too? What’s the difference between Joey and old beer? Both get checked for worms, right? And both smell like cat pee.” Otis explains in this new Advisory. Hear...

Here’s something you’ll want to know about first before signing up for the New America. The Donkey people have now decided your beer thermostat should be set at 2 beers per week. Not 2 per drive home now, that’s 2 beers per week - total. If you’re still having Bud Light, where it takes 9 beers to get the job done, you’re in even worse shape! We wanted to know if those little kid-sized bottles of liquor they give you on the airplane count or not? Otis investigates. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Chicago’s upper management has now asked the local gang leaders if they would please cooperate and not shoot people in the daytime. "It’s scaring the customers," cried Governor Soros! Just hold off on shooting from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Then at 9pm hell get after it. Clock in for a good 12-hours taking care of whoever needs taking care of. Just promise you’ll finish up before 9 in the morning and leave time to clean up the mess. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Country music is a threat to democracy, say the donkey people! How did that happen? Complaining about country music and how it makes you grow hair in your ears has always been out there, When you think about it, you’re a lot more likely to be a victim of wife supremacy than have country music get between you and your misery index or fancy golf pants. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Did you know that Hunter is married! Yes, there's a Mrs. Hunter alright, and sources close to the bone report that she might even own a TV and may have seen what’s on the news. So before the boy comes home again with his tail dragging the gravy, ask yourself this: what is in it for Mrs. Hunter? Somewhere there has to be paper on this saying, "Honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple more years, and you getting your own beach house!" Take the bait girl! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands