Smack, Smack, and Smack, oh my!  Make sure to say it three times cause you’ve never had a pumpkin spice cum shot like this before…seeds and all. Stuff me like a turkey and call me Gord cause Holly Wilde is munchin’ this pumpkin pie with the novel Hallowpeen. Jerk my Jack-o-lantern and bob on my butternut balls cause this threesome is about to seed you deep and seed you good. 

Veggie tales, Veggie porn, and Vageggies, oh my! Calling all smuts for a very special surprise bonus episode! Who knew fanfiction could be this hot? Mikayla sure didn't. RIP Max Goof and may Natalie Dormer spare us all. Join us this week as NYT bestselling author Olivie Blake tells us what makes a man hot and why we need more bitches, while your mistresses tell you what veggies we would put in our holes. Fun times.

Shrimp, Fingers, and God, oh my!  Well put a “hypothetical” diaper on me and let me jump out a goddamn “hypothetical” window cause it’s the “hypothetical” finale “hypothetical” bitchessss! These dysentery queens mean business and God (the magic 8 ball) has spoken so we must read A Legend in the Baking by Jamie Wesley. Dharma "hypothetically" smells of hummus, raindrops, and dreams and Mikayla, without a millimeter of a doubt, has mouth musk…”hypothetically". #ABDH (If you know you know!)  

Yeti’s, Bigfoots, and Housewives, oh my!  This week our clams are scared shut with Seduced by Big foot and Ravaged by the Yeti by E. Roche-Poesy. Dancing testicles and flapping window shutters. What more could you ask for? Definitely less…that’s for sure. Is she she high or just just delulu? Who let Gizmo out of their cage? Put them on house arrest cause this week we all have Kuru and our t**s are out for Harambe.  

Cuts, Clubs, and Cum, oh my!  Have you ever seen a man barefoot in the club? If so, call 1-800 TAKE-IT-OUT-BACK.org. This week we’ve got cum seeping out our pores as we read Promises and Pomegranates by Sav R Miller. Open up our wounds and slurp our juices ‘cause David Guetta’s writing a sick beat that'll have everyone Barefoot in the Club™. As the great Hilary Duff once said...”To the beat of my heart. It tears me apart. We’re back to the start.”

Prepped, Primed, and Primped, oh my!  HE’S A MURDERER! But he’s kind of cute… HE’S A MURDERER! But he got 12 hands. The one and only Lora Leigh is back back back again and she didn’t come to play fair…. no no no she came to Play Dirty. Wands at the ready cause this hook dick is magic. It’s Wingardium letmefuckyourASS, not Wingardium letmefuckYOURass. Look at us baby girl cause we be flyin’ in the air tonight. Aviation style!  

Keep Sweet, Pray, and Obey, oh my!  Hold onto your Daddies cause Kayla Daniels is coming for them in the Mormon tale, The Daddy Trap. PBS kids said…for the love of a child, families are forever. At last, darn it! Squat me! Murdered sisters, paternity tests, and Jesus for the win! Wags and wagettes unite as Nana does unspeakable things. Dentures out and squat me off my feet cause this book is about to wag-yu up. 

Running, Ripping, and Relentless Tonguing, oh my!  He’s a green viking and she’s Billie Eilish. This week K.L. Wyatt’s Stolen by the Orc Commander will have you pulling into the insemination station. Pacino could never. Coked out fingers and morse code f*****g is the vibe and Gangrene is the password. Step aside Game of Thrones cause a new green mean f*****g machine is here and ready to spear. Chase me down a corridor and call me Jawhn-dys cause his sperm is taking and we’re scared.

Rylan, Wolf, and Malachai, oh my!  It’s giving vampire diaries meets beauty and the beast meets little red riding hood meets Rylan meets Twilight meets The Last Airbender meets Perma-smirking meets Court of the Vampire Queen by Katee Robert meets ohhhh she’sssss the hisserrrrrrr! Bring back queen Katee and let them eat poop dicks. He wipes. Don’t worry.  P.S.: Mono is hot.

Beds, Knobs, and Broomsticks, oh my!  Knock my knocker and call me Susan. We’re off our hinges this week as we read Unhinged by Vera Valentine. Whoever sent us this suggestion…who hurt you? Freud says it’s your mother but let's be honest, you’ve defs thought about f****n’ your door. Skinny doors and skinny penises unite ‘cause as one door closes another opens into your vaginal cavity. Knock me up with your knockers cause this door has some serious wood. 

Feral, Flaming, and Flourishing, oh my! Here’s the deal. You suggest a book. We’re gonna read it…and forget who suggested it. This week on Mikayla’s Therapy Session Elle Kennedy is comin in hot with The Deal. Raise your voice and blow my whistle cause this soapy dick has one more brain cell left and Dharma’s gonna cry about it while swinging that bat dick. Murder on the dance floor. Kick rocks Meth Boy. xo

Orchard-ers, Shaved Foreheads, and Maiden veils, oh my!  It took us 30 minutes to come up with a title for this episode so you better freaking enjoy it. Please welcome back the infamous Lynsay Sands with her book Hunting for a Highlander. Great Scot! We got apples, blankets, and papers galore. Objects or children? Ask Gwenyth. Hymen? I barely know her. This is not our best work. Just listen to the episode. 

Dogs, Drugs, and the DEA, oh my!  It’s season 4 smutzzzzz! Get ready for a wild season of shenanigans and Mikayla’s sex life in unbearable detail. Starting off strong with Tee O’Fallon’s Tough Justice. We judged a book by its cover and ended up in smut jail. Hot and heavy who? Wild animal who? K-9, more like 69. Strap on your dildo holster cause this season is gonna be a rough f*ck in your anal channel. 

Birds, Eggnog, and 12-inch Tongues, oh my!  On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me…Railed by the Krampus by Dalia Davies. Just kidding, he actually gave me a lot of birds for some reason. Join us on our candy cane adventure through the land of eggnog cocks, bleeding bears, and swimming swans and rabbits jumping and men cumming and partridges pearing and your parents getting divorced and grandma getting hit by a reindeer and having to sell your soul to to a man named Klaus that...

Peencers, Lipsticks, and Cervixisez, oh my!  Let us spin you a tale on this hallows of all eves. What has 6 legs, 4 arms, peencers, and a b*******e working overtime? Kayden. In a shocking tale of high cervixes and lighthouses with lights, learn what it means to be hog-tied in a space jungle continuum. Ensnared by Tiffany Roberts will have you screaming “GET YOUR PENIS OUT OF MY CERVIX”...or something along those lines. Happy Smut-o-ween! 

Baby, Child, and Offspring, oh my!  YOUR ASS IS GRASS YA BASTARD! Welcome to the finale of Season 3! If you’ve made it this far... What’s wrong with you? But also…we are THE BEST podcast ever soooo. You’re welcome. Erin and Dominic are back in this tale as old as time. Is their child still dead? Will there be more cuckolding? Is Mikayla still illiterate? Yes. 

Because I, Because you, Because we, oh my!  Shut up inner dialogue! This title may be misleading but…we don’t care. Deal with it. Have you ever been a misogynist and dreamt of ordering a woman online? Well…this episode is for you ‘cause women are meant to be mothers, ‘cause cows are meant to be cows, and ‘cause men are meant to be cowboys that ride off into the sunset shirtless while naming their child Bug. Save a book. Ride a cowboy.  Oh yeah, the book is called Unbridled Cowboy by Maisey...

Papa, Pa, and Pops, oh my! It’s the last DP episode of Season 2 and guess what smuts…your unanimous decision unanimated our pussies. Good job Jamie! We are two very proud mistresses. When we say YES, you say DADDY. YES! DADDY! YES! DADDY!

Wings, Claws, and Tats, oh my!  Watch your cholesterol! This man-se-ses is about to brine all up in here. King Henry is literally alive for 800 years and stalking a reincarnated witch in Stalked by the Boogie Man by Siggy Shade. Will you be pickled or blasted in a sea of cum? Bonus points if you can guess how his penis is “sparkles different”. And by bonus points we mean high cholesterol. Allie-------noooooo!

Ogres, Coaches, and Shame Wizards, oh my!  With a book cover like that…we were NOT prepared. We opened Pandora's box and our vaginas are not okay. Praise and thanks to our lord and savior, Tessa Bailey. She is really doing the lord’s work this week as we read Happenstance. Obsession, Confession, Possession, Aggression, Depression, Suspension. I don’t know…we no longer have any blood in our brains. You always know the book is good when Mikayla shuts the f**k up. Welcome to our most silent...

In the name of the cowboy, the daddy, and the holy priest, oh my! Can I walk you out? Will you accept this rose? Can I steal you for a second? Is she here for the right reasons or is he just a cowboy who can write letters. Guess who? It’s Chris Harrison and he had the audacity to write a “book”. Take a moment…say your goodbyes as we read The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison. Will this sex scene steal your time or give you a shot of finding real reality tv love? Jaaakkkkkeeeeeee! Only the date...

Fish Food, Shark Men, and Stolen Identities, oh my!  Da Da…Da Da…Da Da Da Da DA DA DA DA DA!!! Shark Week came early this year, folks! Chum at the ready as we read Does It Hurt by H.D. Carlton. Will this book have you breaching the surface or capsizing and sinking? Those choices mean nothing but you should be used to this by now. Water Bound who? What is it called when a man releases on your back while using you as bait? Read the title of the episode again. ‘Tis the season. 

How, Dare, You, oh my!  Ever wondered what it would be like to be with a man that folds your clothes? Well get ready cause he’s defs gonna be sniffing your neck and braiding your hair. As Avril Lavigne once said, “She was meek and he was flaccid.” Welcome to 50 Shades of F****D UP! Edward would never! It took us three seasons to get here but we finally whipped out the infamous novel by E. L. James, 50 Shades of Grey, and we will never be the same. Chain me to a post and say SILENCE cause this...

Croissants, Eclairs, and Cannolis, oh my!  No whisk, no weward this week as we wead Her Pastry Shifters by Mia Harlan. Will her stiff peaks get your rolling pins rolling or will this be a salmonella food fight to the death. Ever wanted to be f****d by a pastry? Yes? Well, that’s f****d. Prepare for your jelly doughnut handjob cause this is an erection you can’t argue with.