When you're five, and there are parts of your house that are still a mystery to you: you may very well find what you're definitely Not looking for

Sirens be damned...the force of victory of the river race cannot be thwarted by babe nor pizza nor beer nor unattended child

When you're bored and underage, HBO sometimes makes you promises it can't keep.

A tiny tale of my Babi this Orthodox Easter, and an argument towards the genetic origins of drama and absurd self-pity.

Other people's holiday traditions can't really be commented on, if you're a guest. Until 30 years later, of course.

If the Priest is busy, can you just go ahead and baptize yourself? Can you then maybe, get a Saint to do your personal bidding? My brother tests this out, with all creatures Great and Small.

Is it possible, in the late 90's, to summon the spirit of a teen heartthrob from the early 80's? What if he's still alive?

Teen Magazines will tell you who to love, but will they tell you How!??! Also, who is that guy, anyway?

Everything is fearful and dangerous, to a gaggle of old ladies playing Bingo...but nothing is more fearful and dangerous, than some of those ladies, themselves.

I didn't know whether to click "explicit language". I mean, there isn't, except for pee, and variations on pee and peeing. So: if that is a detractor for you, then, SPOILER!!! Pee!! That's a pretty good episode summary, also.

May Day means fertility, to the horror of pre-teens in Sex Ed

Reliving the days before crucifixion are one thing, self-resurrection is entirely different.

When should a good Christian Boy fake his own death for fun and profit? WWJD, of course.

Not really a story, just an explanation

Gullibility, willfully ignorance...it's such a fine line when it comes to personality vs hormonal attraction. Also: never believe societal stereotypes.

There's no love like teen Goth love, and there's no way to express it without plenty-o-blood. Happy Valentine's Day 3>

The girl who Lived

He embodied both all that was glorious, and all that was cringeworthy, about the Great American 1970's. Why not make a movie about him? ...Here's why not.

Many claims have been made as to who invented hot wings, but it's not the chicken that goes horribly foul.

From movies grossly miscast, to food too gross to eat, and the astrological prediction of World War Three

The Commandments and the Ten Plagues of Egypt usually don't feature during the holiday season, unless your Great-Grandmother is Old World and Bible-ready.

What is Boxing Day? It's an obligation, it's unfair, it's pagan, and it involves bones and eyeballs, depending who you ask.

Thanksgiving, far from home, in a house full of deeply stoned strangers, can be daunting. But it's a pretty safe bet that there will be plenty of food.

Romance, Racism, Musical Theater, and Gratuitous Profanity