We recap Season 7, Episode 20 of Riverdale “Goodbye, Riverdale” in which we discuss the final of Riverdale! We get into the uncalley vanny, being young and beautiful, doing Reggie clean, the quad of it all, Jughead dropping death announcements, the return of Chic, the “art” exhibit, grandma acting, referencing Cats 2019, and our ranking of all of the Riverdale seasons! Thanks for listening!

We recap Season 7, Episode 19 of Riverdale “The Golden Age of Television” in which we discuss having a threesome with your dad, bad innuendos, how Riverdale is a theme park, coincidentally having a screenplay for The Comet, Choni being the only endgame, breaking your brain saying #ManCrushMonday, and Jughead watching Cocomelon.

We recap Season 7, Episode 18 of Riverdale “For a Better Tomorrow” in which we discuss how Archie loves knots, Ethel marrying Boss Baby, Jughead’s photoshoot with the palladium bomb, having Stranger Things vibes, candelabras coming in handy, Duck and Cover for homeschooled kids, and remember to Turn That Turtle Up!

We recap Season 7, Episode 17 of Riverdale “A Different Kind of Cat” in which we discuss doing a boudoir photoshoot for your manifesto, Confessions of a Teenage Daughter of Teenage America, Betty being the original Fabio, contemplating if Riverdale has gotten trashier, the hallway scene repeats itself again, the town with hep, and a desire for the good old days of dance battles.

We recap Season 7, Episode 16 of Riverdale “Stag” in which we discuss possibly the worst episode we’ve ever covered, try to decipher the “story” happening, life experience coming in many forms, being horny with your bro while watching the sunrise, and how watching Glee will turn you gay.

We recap Season 7, Episode 15 of Riverdale “Miss Teen Riverdale” in which we discuss how the Gettysburg address is boring, getting a referral bonus for the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, hanging your self portrait in the Guggenheim, seducing your friend’s dad, Evelyn spinning plates, drinking milk being sus, and two Demi Lovato references.

We recap Season 7, Episode 14 of Riverdale “Archie the Musical” in which we discuss the musical and all of its flaws, successes, and questionable plot choices.

We recap Season 7, Episode 13 of Riverdale, The Crucible” in which we discuss Jughead getting dipsy doodled, Cheryl throwing shade at the show itself, the return pf so many guest appearances, the Turtles getting into full measures, Fernefit 541, and a game of Disney, Nickelodeon, or Cartoon Network kid.

We recap Season 7, Episode 12 of Riverdale, “After the Fall” in which we discuss the sister we hate with the crimped hair, a kissy little hand movement, zaddy with a z, being a bro for life in Keyona’s bedroom, an underaged “burleshque” show, the extent of our sports knowledge, and a game of… Rhyme Game!

We recap Season 7, Episode 11 of Riverdale, “Halloween II” in which we discuss putting the ween back in Halloween, getting drip milk straight from the teet, sexualizing Goldilocks, Riverdale’s take on the Great Depression, alphas and sigmas, a bleak burlesque show, and we play a game of Rank the Zaddies.

We recap Season 7, Episode 10 of Riverdale, “American Graffiti” in which we discuss car guys and horse girls, overkill on the 50’s slang, not reading books, homoerotic car metaphors, serial killers and milk, and the absolute erasure of Coop the Riverdale Cat.

We recap Season 7, Episode 9 of Riverdale, “Betty and Veronica Double Digest” in which we discuss sexualizing a high GPA, the return of the bobby pin, Lolita spoilers, unmothering your cat, Veronica capitalizing on her vehicular manslaughter, hate purchasing our merch, grumpy Cheryl, Smithers and Alice’s backstory, and using AI to write our gay fanfiction.

We recap Season 7, Episode 8 of Riverdale, “Hoop Dreams” we discuss our extensive knowledge of basketball, Tabitha sending her homework via carrier pigeon, our favorite candy MargarineThumb, Betty’s strange trajectory, those bridge trolls you go to high school with, and bros transcending timelines.

We recap Season 7, Episode 7 of Riverdale, “Dirty Dancing” we discuss getting called a peach, hating Julian, getting dizzy, Archie being oblivious, and the milkman cliffhanger. AND!!!! check out our new merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/rivertales/explore?asc=u&page=1&sortOrder=recent

We recap Season 7, Episode 6 of Riverdale, “Peep Show” we discuss when the gold rush was, how Skeet was just a twink before Riverdale, Riverdale being on the forefront of the Writer’s Strike, Turtle Radar is pricked, lending panties to your friend, Archie worming on the ground, gawking in the window, and giving Barbara Wallace her flowers.

We recap Season 7, Episode 5 of Riverdale, “Tales in a Jugular Vein” we discuss Troy Bolton’s practice sessions, the truth behind Fubo, Cheryl filming tickle porn on a crank camera, coffee before a threesome, and a game of 50’s slang.

We recap Season 7, Episode 4 of Riverdale, “Love and Marriage” in which we discuss the slang we know, Kevin’s romance developing in the dark room, Midge using her pregnancy as a fame gimmick, giraffe ovulation, the 50’s not being so easy breezy, Toni being a mythical enigma, and double the Curdle double the Turtle.

We recap Season 7, Episode 3 of Riverdale, “Sex Education” in which we discuss getting Midge’d, milk subscription boxes, a jungle sex dream, Kevin doing mime work, Betty learning what a boner is from a book, Lizzo being a new character, the Kissing Chair, and Veronica Weekend at Bernie’s-ing her aunt.

We recap Season 7, Episode 2 of Riverdale, “Skip, Hop and Thump!” in which we discuss dancing to Barbie Girl in a mat fort, Archie’s mom’s new name, the Smithers and Archie romance we’ve been waiting for, Twilight: New Moose, the difficulty surrounding the title of the episode, Toni accumulating so many rotten eggs, Garfield changing history, and Betty being inconsolably horny.

We’re back!! In the premiere of this 50’s episode we talk about getting deep and machismo, alluding to the orgy episode, Jughead being Samurai Jack, the return of Mr. Turtle, being useless, and hot dog AND hamburger?? It’s more likely than you think.

It's been so long since our last episode, in preparation for the newest season we decided to do a little catch up/predict how we think this season will go. From kissing gay guys to hairspraying beehives, this season is sure to be full of surprises!

It’s all ships on this episode despite there being a lingering comet of doom, plus we discuss Betty’s aura powers, hot Titanic takes, Big Anthony, NASA’s involvement in the end of the world, not a peep about Jason, learning about melting comets through the power of books, putting souls in a jar, apocali, and a game of Mad Libs!

It’s the big battle (questionable), and we’re all here to talk about the Holy Grail full of black goo, time bubbles, Ponytail Playtime Doll Playset, Ghost Train flop, severed heads on ice, Bingo coming in clutch, mannequin Reggie, a love story between Dr. Curdle Jr and adult Baby Anthony, the Ghoulies being a Pokemon villain team, and we ask the big question of "what's a cuck?"

In this episode we talk about the Blossoms’ body swapping saga that doesn’t make sense, the Dark Julia Roberts vehicle, Eat. Spellcast. Hate. Jughead having portal powers from reading a single book, cosmic reasons, hell mounds (?), Big Ethel Energy, pee-colored auras, and remember to never stop giving up.