I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me in my marriage. He was never going to leave me. He would never run off with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends.Other people talked about the issue of abandonment. Some narcissists do run off with affairs. They discard their victim simply to get another one. But that didn’t apply in my situation. So I really didn’t think that abandonment was an issue for me.Until one day, I opened...

Have you ever experienced a covert narcissist trying to make peace? How did that go? Did you walk away feeling better? Or did you walk away feeling like you had just been through hand to hand combat? When a covert narcissist tries to make peace with you, you go through yet another level of destructive interactions. This destruction centers around a facade of sympathy, backwards apologies, intense blame shifting, minimizing their bad behavior, and entitlement in the form of expectations of...

Are guys sometimes victims of covert narcissism? Absolutely! This is not a gender issue.Female covert narcissists are incredibly destructive. In this story, Todd tells his story of dealing with his covert narcissistic wife and how a glance back at his childhood showed how he was primed for this relationship from the beginning. He was in an abusive marriage and didn’t know it. This behavior and the feelings he was having were normalized from his upbringing, so the red flags didn’t go off. He...

Absolutely. I haven’t met one yet who is truly happy and content in life. They are grumpy, angry, defensive, hypersensitive, insecure, lazy, unmotivated, full of drama, worked up, and upset.   They do not know how to love nor to be loved. They are constantly seeking it and don’t recognize it when it is right in front of them. When they have it, they are so afraid of losing it that they push it away. They do not know how to actually relax and enjoy life. They have no idea how to be in the...

In the series of Survivor Stories, Wendy shares her story of a long-term marriage full of betrayal. From very early on, her husband had an affair and left her. She fought for the marriage because she didn’t want her son to grow up in a split home. This happened a second time during their son’s young life. However, the third time he left for an affair, she let him go.    After 30 years of this, it was time to find some healing. She went to a therapist and said: “I don’t understand. I have all...

Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep normal and healthy boundaries in a physical manner. They hit you, shove you, grab you, or throw things at you. They have no regard for your physical space or safety.   Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep normal and healthy boundaries in an emotional way. They hit you emotionally, blame you, guilt you, or dismiss you. They have no regard for your emotional space...

Everyone dealing with covert narcissism deals with FOG, but Christians have a extra layer of FOG to handle. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. These 3 issues keep a victim of covert narcissism trapped for years and decades. If you add Christianity to this, it becomes nearly impossible to see things clearly.   You are already dealing with the fear of your partner's reactions, fear of upsetting them, and fear of abandonment. Add to this the fear of disobeying God and being condemned to...

I stood in my own home and realized that I was frozen, absolutely stuck. What to fix for dinner, what to watch on tv, when to sit down and read my book. I was no longer capable of making even small decisions. This is life with a covert narcissist.   I can't decide where to go for dinner or what to cook. I can't figure out which bathroom to use in my own home. I can't decide which shirt to wear around the house. All because of the belittling comments, controlling comments, self-focused...

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior used to dominate, manipulate, and control another person, typically in the context of intimate relationships. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can also include physical or sexual violence but is often more subtle and sustained.  The goal of coercive control is to strip the victim of their autonomy and independence, making them dependent on the abuser. This type of control puts the covert narcissist in charge and leaves the target...

“I started this relationship looking for reasons to like him, but I ended it fighting against all the reasons that I hated him.” I have so many people voice this to me. You don't want to hate them. You fight against that for years, but your heart just keeps screaming louder.   You spend years wondering what is wrong with you. Why can't you just focus on the good and move on? There are good traits and good days with them. I’m supposed to dwell on that, right? But why can’t I? What’s wrong with...

Let’s remember what trauma bonding is - In a simple definition, it is when the one who has hurt you is the one you turn to help you feel better. Trauma bonding feels like, “you’ve broken me into pieces but you’re the only one who can fix me.” The more you reach out to this covert abuser for love, recognition, comfort, validation, support, reconciliation, or closure, the stronger the trauma bond becomes.You could even call trauma bonding a conditioned dependency. You have been conditioned to...

People blow you off, saying you are making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just being too sensitive. You need to get tougher. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. But yet when you try, you get blamed for being the problem. So what's the big deal? Why am I spending a lifetime learning about covert narcissism? Because it matters!! Covert narcissists erase who you are. They rob you of your perspective, identity and personality.   How do we stop this cycle? By giving our kids and our...

Why can’t I actually leave this relationship? I want to! I’m tired of being treated this way. I’m tired of the ups and downs. I want stability. I want peace. I want less drama. Why can’t I actually walk away? Why do I keep coming back? Why do I continue to give them another chance, over and over? What is wrong with me? Am I crazy?If this is you, what you are experiencing is trauma bonding. Trauma bonding keeps us tied to this person, no matter how badly they treat us. How does this work?...

I’m surrounded by narcissists. Is everyone a covert narcissist? Is every marriage affected by this? I can’t take anything at face value.   Right now in today’s world, I feel like we can’t take anything at face value anymore. The news says one thing. Social media says another. At times, it truly feels like we are surrounded by a fake world. Covert narcissism is absolutely a part of this fake world.   Covert narcissism is narcissistic traits hidden behind and covered up by learned good...

There is a reason that this word FOG always appears in capital letters now. It is an acronym for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. These words explain the progression of things for the victim of narcissistic abuse, and even more so with covert narcissistic abuse.The internal reaction of, “I’ll never do that again,” or "I'll never say that again," is the beginning of FEAR. Whatever it was that provoked that reaction from them that you just experienced, you will now avoid at all costs. Fear of their...

Narcissism seems to be everywhere. You hear about it in so many families. Marriages that you thought were good, you learn that they are falling apart behind closed doors. Family members, friends, co-workers...everywhere you turn.   Is narcissism on the rise? Yes! Why is this? There are many contributing factors. In this episode, I address a few of these reasons for this explosion in narcissism. The more we can understand, the more we can educate ourselves, the more we can help educate our...

Last night, I was caught off guard with a question I had not really thought about. I was not prepared to answer this question about my journey with a covert narcissistic husband. Here's the question: Name 3 significant landmarks along the way. Three things that boosted me forward on this journey and got me to where I am today. At first, I only thought of external events. Things that actually took place on a specific day and involved people in my life. These events were what I named at the...

Q & A With Renee Swanson and Her Covert Narcissism Podcast Journey    Recently Renee had the opportunity to be interviewed about her journey with Covert Narcissism and how it led where it is today with the Covert Narcissism Podcast. Currently the Covert Narcissism Podcast is downloaded by hundreds of thousands of listeners each month, and has expanded from Renee’s guest room, to a studio, and from a small facebook group to group coaching and retreats that take place year round. The...

It doesn't take long for struggles to show up when you are dealing with a covert narcissist, but we can easily convince ourselves that every marriage has its problems. We conclude that this is just normal relationship strife. But covert narcissistic behavior is more than this. You are not overreacting when you feel like this is a bigger deal than normal.    Trying to talk ourselves out the issues we are facing everyday is detrimental to our health. It takes its toll emotionally, mentally,...

Trauma causes post-traumatic stress disorder. This is literally the effects of the stress after the trauma, the remaining results of the trauma. Too much adrenaline in your system is extremely dangerous. Stress is a killer.   What is stress? According to the World Health Organization, stress can be defined as a state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation. This just described your world when you are living with a covert narcissist. It IS having an impact on your brain. The...

I mean everything!! You never feel safe interacting with this person. This is why this particular type of abuse is so exhausting. While the abuse may not be constant, the risk of it is. The potential is always there. You never know with anything you say or do if it will set them off.When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you do gets used against you. Everything you say. Everything you do. Even every kind or compassionate act you do.In this episode, I give you personal examples from...

An emergency situation while hiking on the Appalachian Trail resulted in an extremely normal trauma response from me. Realizing the correlations between this trauma response and my past trauma responses to covert narcissism opened my eyes. My responses to trauma are normal responses! I'm not broken. I'm not over-reactive. These situations with a covert narcissist have been traumatic, and my system responded accordingly. I hope this personal story helps you to make the same connections in your...

Are you trying to decide if all you are going through is "normal," or if it is fair and reasonable?In the last two episodes, I have talked about the codependency traits that so many victims have in common and the eternal victim role that covert narcissists play. These two things get trapped together so incredibly often.On one side, you have a person who does no self-reflection, no self-improvement, and no internal work. Instead they express out all the ways they have been hurt in life. The...

There is an absolute fog that comes from dealing with covert narcissism. You struggle to think straight anymore, and the mind is running in circles   Many survivors ask me, "Is something wrong with me? Will I ever be normal again?"   When you have been through a traumatic relationship, that trauma has an effect.  I say trauma for a reason. This is not a normal relationship with its normal ups and downs. This is not a situation where you just grew apart There is an enormous difference between...