Never being Seen nor heard in a relationship is like slowly and silently starving to death.
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“I fell head over heals when I met my husband. He was the whole package, Handsome, brilliant, educated, independent, traditional, responsible, well-off and more. Moreover, he came from a very large close-knit traditional family. Everyone in his family was as born with a welcoming charismatic personality that attracted outsiders. The world seem to stop rotating anytime someone walked through the front door…. Everyone was met with hugs and hellos even if they were elbows deep in some task.
I was glamour struck by it all. Coming from a home of cold loneliness run by a bipolar narcissist who controlled everything and everyone with me being the scapegoat.
I grew up being my mother’s competition… never her daughter. Looking back over the last 20 years… I was so desperately hungry for love, affection, acceptance, and connection that I clung to this young man like he was a life preserver. He was so modest too! I had never met anyone like him. In some way…. I can say it felt like I was being rescued and maybe God had this planned the whole time? Maybe all my childhood suffering and loneliness was so I would recognize this wonderful gift of a partner and family when the time came!
He became my hero…. He was the only person I’d ever met that would stand up to my mother and call her out on her abusive, rude, and irrational behaviors that controlled everyone and everything around her.
He was the Prince Charming and I was the princess in the castle that needed rescuing.
We dated for 4 years before we got married. There were red flags all along the way…. I can see them all now but I was so forgiving and the things he would say to me sort of felt familiar but they were done in much kinder ways with back-handed comments.
When he would miss important events or show up late or make me late/miss things there was always a good excuse that would make it difficult for me to be mad at him…. There was always some homeless person, blind man, or injured animal that he had to pull over and save or give a ride too that would make him hours late…. How could I be upset by that?
A few years into our marriage the phrase “you won’t believe what happened to me” was so common place that there was nothing I couldn’t believe anymore….what I could believe was he wasn’t not going to be there for me anytime that I really needed him.
Some of the biggest red flags during our courtship were the following:
1. The 1st 4-5 months were amazing… notes on my car or in my apartment from him, flowers just because and so much attention…. I didn’t even know how to take it all in but it felt so good. But all of that faded away…. Any gift I got after that was minimal or cold. I felt like I was clear on the things I liked… my favorite colors, scents, or things that would make a good Christmas or birthday gift. Instead, I got sweaters in the colors I told him I hated that were XL in size or XS. I’m 5’7” and 140 pounds and have been a size 8 for most our marriage and relationship but I’ve gotten size 2 or size 12 clothing. I got drawer organizers because I’m so messy…. I got a DVD player because he didn’t have one and we were moving in together soon.
When I said something that I might like as a gift he callled me controlling and manipulative or ungrateful. I just buy my own gifts now.
Our 19th wedding anniversary is in a few weeks and I have never received any gift on that day other then a card…. Even if I’ve gotten him a gift. In his mind, he deserves a gift…. But I do not.
2. If I was hurt by something he did or said the. I would always end up apologizing to him for hurting my feelings and it would always be a come to Jesus argument. For example he might give me a very exuberant “Good Girl! You remembered to be the bag in the trash can” this from a man who has never take the trash out in over 15 years. The good girl is said like the way you would talk to a golden retriever for taking a dump in the yard. When I said… hey babe… when you say good girl followed by___ it feels demeaning. And why can’t chores be a team effort like if I’m taking the bag out can you put the bag in?
This would be followed by the usual… “you see negative in everything… you are looking for things to be angry about and you can’t even take a compliment!! I can’t do anything right and all I do is for you! I literally do everything for you and this is how I’m treated! Your controlling, evil, manipulative and a bad bad person. Typically there is an hour or more long “talk” which I am to silently take the dump truck of grievances and insults until he runs out of gas. There are long pauses while he gathers more ammunition and I never know if I’m supposed to respond or stay silent.”
McAwesomest via Apple Podcasts ·
United States of America ·
10/23/23
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“I almost had to laugh because THIS IS MY LIFE. I've listened to a hundred podcasts about narcissistic abuse, and this one is spot on. God bless anyone who has to put up with this crap.”Read full review »
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United States of America ·
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