Once in a while, we do something that marks a “before” and “after.” This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by number 50. Completing the list was scary, recording each podcast was scary, but none of that came close to the insane courage required for me to get through the terror of doing number 50...I Shared My List.

So much of my life has been spent worrying about what other people think. I stressed over what people would think of how I was dressed, my hair, my makeup, my weight, my shoes, whether the colors I was wearing suited my complexion. I made myself as invisible as possible. Stepping out and doing my hair, makeup, and outfit and going out in public with people who knew me was a risk I avoided at all costs, which is how I found myself at number 49 on my list.... I drew attention to myself...

When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don’t watch. We don’t look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? So when I found out that what I feared most was about to be shown on a large screen in front of me, my first instinct was to close my eyes and wait for it to be over, but I didn’t, which is how I found myself doing number 48 on my list... I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing

Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, “What if I interrupt and they stare at me awkwardly? What if I’m not welcome?” Forcing my legs to move me across the street and my brain to be quiet despite my terror is what led to number 47 on the list... I approached a group of fans at the pole. 

I’ve spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I’ve repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn’t gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I’ve been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t push through my fear, yet again, and do number 46 on my list...talked to Gillian without a shield. 

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush and momentum from riding the London Eye because, not long after, I found myself deciding to attempt yet another height related challenge. Our Airbnb host told us where to find one of the best views of the city which is how I found myself white knuckling it as I faced my fear and did number 45 on the list...I went out on the deck of the viewing area at Tate Modern.

I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn’t know if I was capable of more. I wouldn’t have seen the view which looked so very different from the window. I wouldn’t have a shared experience with Rob and Molly, and I was really tired of the disconnect that comes when you live trapped in fear and anxiety. So I got off the bench and forced myself to do number 44 on the list... I stood...

The one absolute I had when we were planning our trip to London was that I would not be riding the London Eye. Rob and Molly could go on together and I would wait for them safely on the ground where I belong. As soon as we approached it, though, I knew I couldn’t fall back into my old patterns. I knew I had to face my fear of heights and my fear that the ride was above water which is how I found myself doing number 43 on the list... I rode the London Eye. 

It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. Notice it, name it, feel it, and let it go was working to a point, but I seemed to get stuck or wanted to dull the residual pain with “treats” for having endured difficult feelings. Working the entire process and not reaching for my crutches, for the first time, was number 42 on my list...I didn’t numb out.

Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded easy enough until I remembered that to get that visual reminder I must first allow someone to inject my skin with ink and a needle. Facing my fear of both of those things is what led me to number 41 on my list...got tattoos. 

When you struggle with anxiety and/or social phobia it is very easy to avoid certain tasks or situations and let someone else do them for you. It seems helpful at the moment and it can be hard to see the downside. For me, the downside was that my life was getting smaller and smaller and my self-esteem was eroding more and more each time I avoided a task. That’s why I knew I had to face my fear head-on and challenge myself to do number 40 on the list... I pumped gas. 

I am surrounded by people who live to get their pictures taken. They do photoshoots for fun. I am not one of those people. I’ve always hated getting my picture taken and struggle with the vulnerability that comes with being “seen.” When we produced a fan event for C2E2, I never thought that it would end up on my list. Yet there I was facing one of my worst fears as I did number 39 on my list... Let an artist draw my face.

I struggled with perfectionism for much of my life. I don’t let others see it until it is more polished. I was writing about a girl who lost her father. Grief is always hard, but grief for children is even harder. When my friend asked if I’d show him, my initial reaction was to run, I knew I had to face that fear head-on. I went home, sat at the computer, tamped my fear down, and, with a very shaky hand, pressed send and did number 38 on the list... shared my first draft with someone. 

So often I have kept my life small by avoiding situations that scared me. The only way out of that pattern is to root out where you are still stuck and push through the fear. Sometimes you need to follow the path to its conclusion and other times, like this one, just going through the steps and being willing to try is enough. There are far scarier items on my list, but what I keep getting reminded of is that it’s the seemingly insignificant baby steps that often bring about the most change.

I have always tried to control my environment in order to feel safe. I don’t like to even go to a restaurant without reading everything on their menu. I don’t like surprises and I sure as hell don’t like to do anything without knowing the rules and what to expect. Learning as I go? God no. Which is why number 36 on my list is so significant... I beta’d. 

Sometimes things ended up on my list because I pushed through tremendous fear to achieve them and then there are times like this where the list takes on a mind of its own. I was gaining so much confidence by this point that I was jumping in before the fear had a chance to stop me. The act of staying with it and not bailing when this happened was where I fought through the fear and held strong as I waited for the results of doing number 35 on my list...Volunteered to be a guest on a podcast I...

I’ve always hated to make or receive phone calls. I’m sometimes okay once they get started, depending on the person and the reason for the call. More often than not, however, I end up talking over the person or having awkward silences. It has always been so much easier for me to convince someone else to make the call for me...by someone, I mean Rob...but not this time. This time I sucked it up, dialed the number, and connected to number 34 on my list...made a phone call.

One of the hardest things for me to face on this journey was the loss of my playful side. I used to be fun and I wanted it back so I took a chance. I was so scared that it was gone completely, but I pushed through the fear, put on a thousand pieces of clothing, and went outside to do number 33 on the list... played in the snow. 

Sometimes an idea is planted and we allow the door to open just a crack. We allow ourselves to think, “What if?” Or “Maybe that could work for me, too.” And sometimes it takes on a life of its own and becomes more than we ever dared imagine. This was one of those times. I cracked open that door and then I took a huge leap of faith and landed right on number 32...bought tickets to a play in London. 

I’ve always been jealous of people who could use sleep as an escape. Sleep, for me, has always been a struggle. I wanted it to be a time of peace, but it was often the opposite. Hypervigilance, fear, and anxiety were my constant nighttime companions as I waited for morning to come. Night terrors and nightmares plagued me most of my life and now we're opening up a memory I didn’t want to relive which was why it was so important I face that fear and do number 31 on my list...worked on my sleep...

Some of the items are very straightforward and there’s a clear reason it’s on the list. For this one, there are so many reasons. I had to get past the financial fears, taking resources for myself, going somewhere alone, wearing workout clothes in public, and on and on which is why I did number 30 on the list... Rejoined the Gym. 

Grief is brutal. Just when you think you’re through the worst part & are back on your feet, a wave hits, and you’re swept back in the water. I avoided going back because I didn’t want to relive that horrible experience the day my dad died. I didn’t want to relive the days that followed. I didn’t want to feel my mom’s loneliness and pain on top of my own at a time where I was barely hanging on. I didn’t want her silence. I didn’t want a cold shoulder. But what I did want was closure and peace

One of the harshest realities that I have ever had to face is that sometimes we are born into a family we don’t belong in. Sometimes we stay longer than perhaps we should have because we so desperately want to make it not be so. There are so many more opportunities to fix it, right? At this point, I had walked away from all of them except for my mom. I knew I couldn’t heal by avoiding our strained relationship so this led me to number 28 on the list... Called My Mom. 

As hard as some of the items on my list have been, it’s times like these that really made me question why I ever started this project! I was making progress, by once again getting paid, so I could see how the list was changing me and changing our lives, but I was seriously beginning to question why I was such a glutton for punishment and torturing myself by doing things like number 27 on the list... acted in a commercial.