I listened to the tape recorder in my head that repeated what my abusers used to tell me. My therapist had me do an exercise where I asked people to tell me my most positive qualities in order for me to realize that what I had been hearing and believing wasn’t true about me. This was an absolutely terrifying exercise. I knew I had to do it in order to heal and that’s how I found myself doing number 26 on my list... Accepted Positive Personal Feedback. 

I had a lot to overcome to accomplish this step. I had tremendous guilt about taking/using resources whether that was material goods, money, time, etc. I was stuck in a scarcity mindset. I forced myself to “do it all.” I believed that letting others help me meant that I was weak and a failure. How wrong I was! This is why I challenged myself to do number 25 on my list... Accepted Help.

Agreeing to do something and actually doing it are two very different things. I have always excelled at the first one but often bailed before getting to the second one. I was afraid of not being able to deliver. I was afraid of being held accountable for the outcome. I was simply afraid. This time I was determined to follow through, put my name on a project, and be present in the process as I did number 24 on the list... Assistant Directed. 

I had a lot of misguided beliefs about money. Those beliefs kept me from seeing my worth and caused me to devalue myself. This spilled over into every aspect of my life and destroyed my self-esteem. Taking this step was imperative for my health and well-being. I knew I could not move forward until I challenged those beliefs, but first I had to step into my fear and do number 23 on the list... Allowed Myself to Get Paid.

My pattern was to agree to something or sign up for something and then panic and back out. I battled the anxiety of not knowing what I was getting into, not knowing if I would have a person I could rely on when I was there, whether I would do a good job at whatever it was, etc. This step was truly me going in blind knowing I would not have a safety net. I didn’t back out. I didn’t allow my anxiety to talk me out of it. I went all in and did number 22 on the list... Volunteered to be a Beta...

By this point in my journey, I was realizing how taking these steps had released me from so much of my generalized anxiety. I was doing things without overthinking. I was calmer. I was breezing through parts of my day that would have normally derailed me. I felt lighter. I felt like I was on the verge of becoming someone I never imagined I could be. Pushing through the fear of standing out and engaging in a world I’ve always hidden from is what led me to number 21 on the list.

Music has always been my lifeline. There are songs that saved my life, songs that gave me strength, songs that made me feel I could take on the world, songs that gave me hope or gave me a voice or gave me validation and songs that made me feel understood and seen. So for me to get a chance to talk about music that impacted my life...yeah, sign me up. Except this was going to be recorded and broadcast. What was I thinking?

I struggle with taking resources from my family for something that is just for me. That’s how I found myself at 50 with a lifetime of unresolved trauma. Thankfully, through intervention by a friend, I had that stumbling block removed and no longer had a barrier to getting help. The hardest part, however, was still to come. Baring my soul to a total stranger and facing the events that brought me so much pain was why Got Therapy is number 19 on my list...

It may be apparent after 16 episodes that I struggle the most with feeling my feelings.  This exercise I learned in the WE book challenged me to push myself to the next level. It helped me so much that it’s a practice that I still use in my day to day life when I fall back into old patterns and find myself avoiding feelings. It was quite scary for me to stop using crutches I’d relied on...especially when I believed that they were keeping me safe. They weren’t. They were keeping me stuck.

It’s very hard to break behavior patterns, especially ones that are lifelong and steeped in dysfunction. For me, guilt and fear would keep me coming back to situations, and people, which were extremely unhealthy and unsafe. I was determined to break this pattern so when the next opportunity arose I used my tools, I said no, and I didn’t get sucked in. This is episode 15 number 17 on the list. 

I was conditioned to believe that accepting praise or a compliment meant that I was full of myself or had an overinflated sense of self. In order to accomplish this number on my list, I had to override my negative beliefs, my desire to deflect or diminish the praise being offered, and my fear of ridicule. This, more than any other item on my list thus far, is one that I ended up mastering and I am so grateful to have learned the skill of number 16 on my list...Accepted Praise. 

Speaking in front of a crowd to do a keynote address wasn’t enough, apparently. I decided to challenge myself by also hosting/emceeing the event which meant introducing each set. It wasn’t pretty and there were plenty of mistakes along the way, but I lived to tell about it...this is number 15 on my list: Hosted An Event. 

With all the fears I’ve had in my life, I don’t think there was one that rivaled my fear of public speaking. Facing this fear head-on was absolutely terrifying and it took the most prep of any of my other steps so far. I had to get through the fear of putting my words and story on paper, of being filmed, and the ongoing fear of judgment and ridicule. I sure as hell did it. Number 14 on the list...Gave a Keynote Address. 

Sometimes the path to healing involves a game show, a microphone, and publicly failing...in front of a live audience and on multiple live streams. You know you’re on the right track when making a fool of yourself is no longer the thing you fear the most. I was much more scared, at this point, of not trying. Number 13 on my list...Attempted to Host a Game Show. 

Finding beauty in the world around me helped me to see the beauty in myself. It taught me to see that broken is beautiful, that cracks in us won't be restored, and that we can't go back to what we once were, yet we can create something even better.  We can become strong in our broken places and beauty can come up through the cracks. It taught me that when we allow ourselves the grace we extend to others, we find healing. This is number 12 on my list... Found Beauty in All Things.

There is something so empowering about challenging yourself to do something and not choosing the easy path. I could have participated and chosen someone that would have been a better match or someone who would have taken it easy on me. In choosing the biggest challenge, I gained more confidence, proved to myself that I'm capable of doing hard things, and afterward felt like I could take on the world. This is number 11 on my list... I Dueled.

By now, I was starting to realize how much I kept myself back from really living. Trying to be invisible takes a lot of work and it’s exhausting. My fear of ridicule and judgment caused me to avoid and, therefore, miss out on so many moments throughout my day to day life. Instead, I was left with shame and disappointment. Pushing through that was so healing and I am quite grateful for #10 on my list...Put on costumes and allowed myself to be part of the story. 

I've never been one to do things without overthinking, planning every detail, and considering every possible outcome. It was always easier to get someone else to just do it for me. This time I didn't allow myself to think. I just seized the opportunity and that's how I found myself at number 9 on the list... Volunteered To Be In A Documentary.

I've let so many opportunities pass me by because I wanted to be invisible.  I was always too afraid of ridicule or judgment.  I knew, this time, that I could not let that fear rob me of this opportunity. I pushed through the fear and I jumped in with both feet right into number eight on the list... Publicly Fangirled.

I've never been one to do things without overthinking, planning every detail, and considering every possible outcome. It was always easier to get someone else to just do it for me. This time I didn't allow myself to think. I just seized the opportunity and that's how I found myself at number 9 on the list... Volunteered To Be In A Documentary.

I've let so many opportunities pass me by because I wanted to be invisible.  I was always too afraid of ridicule or judgment.  I knew, this time, that I could not let that fear rob me of this opportunity. I pushed through the fear and I jumped in with both feet right into number eight on the list... Publicly Fangirled.

I spent my adulthood saying no to so many things because I was afraid I would look stupid or because I was ashamed of my body. This was a huge turning point for me.  I was putting myself on display doing something I’m not good at while wearing something that made me vulnerable. This is number 7 on the list… Played Volleyball in My Bathing Suit.

When you are raised in chaos and have no safety net, you develop tools to survive. One of the tools I used was to attempt to control as much as I could to minimize the damage. Controlling my feelings was especially important and I excelled at it. This number on the list was about unlearning the very thing that had helped me survive for 50 years. This is number 6 on the list... When It Rains, Let It.

When I found myself at this step of the journey, I was still avoiding the pain and doing my best not to acknowledge my triggers. I would act out. I was holding on so tight to the fear that I couldn’t move forward so I had to let go and get still and quiet and just sit in it. This is number 5 on the list... Let Go.

I spent my life avoiding pain. I’d dissociate. I’d escape into worlds I created in my head. I was so scared to let myself feel the feelings because I thought they would consume me. Taking this step was terrifying and necessary. This is number 4 on the list... felt the pain.