So here we are!  The final episode of Season #6. We start with me needing to loop back to something we discussed in the last episode where Jason said he received feedback from someone saying that sometimes when Jason mentions the past / the timeline, that he is shaming me.  While I don’t think he is trying to shame me - I DO experience shame when certain parts of our story is mentioned.  I wanted to share a point of clarification that didn’t come to me until after we had stopped recording...

In this episode - we talk about how he can hold her hostage in the recovery process.  We discuss this concept, of him holding her hostage, two different ways (or avenues or angles or well, you get the point).   The first avenue is how Jason interprets “holding her hostage” which essentially is him holding her hostage for his past wounds and holding her accountable and responsible to heal his past wounds.  This certainly was a dynamic that Jason and I dealt with while we were dating as well...

It’s just me today, popping in to let you know we will be back next week with a fresh episode. I am sharing the quickest of life updates with you guys plus a reminder about a couple of resources that we offer. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. For those of you that are new here, check out Episode #1 for Our Story. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here.   Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you...

As we dig into the content of this particular episode - please keep in mind that these situations are SO nuanced.  So please take what we are sharing and consider how it applies to you.  What we share will not work for everyone in every situation.   #1 - Clearly End the Affair -    Our first suggestion for regaining confidence and to be able to go back out into the community with your head high is to consider utilizing a technique from I Don’t Love You Anymore (link below).  In the book,...

As Jason said early on in this episode - recovery work is painful.  It hurts, it’s scary and no wonder we resist it.  Jason talks about how he went from resisting the recovery work to accepting that there was work to do.  It’s in this process that we make friends with the work.  As Thomas Berry, a coach on our team, says - we go from “got to TO get to”. How we make friends with the work:  1 - When recovery calls, we answer the call. 2 - Embrace that it's going to hurt. 3 - We make time. ...

Basically, I try to take over during the first five minutes of the episode as I talk about hope.  Then I pass the mic over to Jason and you will probably actually like what he says much more.  I just try to sprinkle in anecdotal comments as I can, you’re welcome. Hope is a handhold for wives in the following ways… 1 - it gives women a sense of security in the middle of what is a very chaotic experience. 2 - it can reconcile staying. 3 - it can be a reprieve from the chaos that she is...

Get out your thinking caps - this episode is heady and I had to rewind many many times to re-listen while I was working on these show notes.  We are talking empathy (and intimacy and conviction) today.  I believe that empathy is one of the key ingredients that will help her heart heal within the context of the couple-ship.  So developing empathy is KEY. We talk neuroanatomy:  prefrontal cortex, mirror neurons, cortical hypofrontality and modeling of empathy from others.  We also talk...

In this episode, we get real honest about a recent series of arguments we had about money, with the intent of sharing with you guys what engaging in conflict can look like in “late recovery”.  Not that we do conflict perfectly or recovery perfectly (as you will surely hear) but we get questions about what life looks like today - years and years post betrayal and with a lot of recovery work under our belts, collectively.  We laugh a LOT today.  And we have a really sweet marriage.  And we...

In this episode, we talk about the value of the full disclosure and some of the reasons that doing a full disclosure (for both him and for her) is incredibly beneficial.  Here are some of those reasons: - for men:  integration of the story and the acting out - as in, making sense of and connecting dots in his story as a whole which informs the recovery and healing process - for men:  writing out our stories has been shown via research to help with the healing process at a cellular level -...

In this episode, we piggyback off of the last episode on Frontloading and discuss how women can leverage this technique in order to feel safe having certain conversations with him. This technique is essentially giving him a heads up that a difficult conversation needs to be had + insuring he is in an open space to have said conversation well in advance of it starting. I love this technique because it serves as an insurance policy to help protect her from additional hurt and pain. (And can...

In this episode, we talk about Frontloading, a term we first heard from Jennifer Kolari after doing some parenting therapy with her. See the link below for her information. Frontloading is the conversation we have prior to an anticipated event (or an anticipated conversation). Keep in mind, it's about a heart attitude, not about a playbook / plan / script. This heart attitude says two things: 1 - Empathy and tenderness will inform me going into this situation well, and 2 - I don’t have to...

In this episode, we talk about her getting stuck and how this can be (not always, but can be) connected to him NOT doing good, consistent work. Jason recaps a couple of things from episode #68 - What is Good Work (definitely check out that episode if you want to learn more about what “good” work looks like - see the link below.) We discuss four big things that can cause her to get stuck in the process (when he is not doing good work). These include: 1 - When there isn’t clarity on if he is...

So, let’s say he is doing mostly good work. Oftentimes when he is doing this mostly good work, women are faced with a dilemma. Does she accept the good work and lean into it and trust it? OR does she hold him / the good work at arm’s length and continue to watch and wait and keep herself safe? We start with exploring some of the reasons she runs into this dilemma. These include:  1 - Unconscious tug of war happening in her heart. 2 - Vows she has made to herself. 3 - Not knowing if she...

So what exactly is good work? And what does good work look like AFTER the initial stages? Because it seems like some husbands rock that good work early on - and then… they are done?! Jason and I are both encouraging you guys to honestly assess: are the things we list happening in my / his recovery process? And if not - what might it look like to get back on track? Some of the “good work” is objective (for instance, the formal disclosure or the amount of acting in). But a lot of this “good...

In this episode - we are diving in to a question that Shelley receives quite regularly - why did you stay? And were you / are you embarrassed that you chose to stay? We start with talking about some of the reasons that can make it embarrassing to stay - for instance, in our culture - there is this notion that when a woman is cheated on, there must be something wrong with her / something she did. I loved it when Jason said - “no amount of bad marriage necessitates or drives infidelity or...

It’s show time!  Here we go - Season #6 of Redemptive Living Radio is HERE. On this first episode of the season, we are talking about relapses.  I realize this can be a super tender topic on all fronts.   Here are some of the questions we answer: 1 - What is a relapse? - In some ways, a relapse is VERY clear and in some instances, it can seem a bit arbitrary.  I think what is key is to look at the primary, secondary and tertiary markers / threats  - see episode #23 - Primary, Secondary,...

Welcome back to the podcast!!!  We wanted to jump in and do a bonus podcast for you guys ahead of the release of Season #6 which will air in January, 2024. While it really is a topic near and dear to Jason’s heart - it’s also a PSA for ALL of us as we prepare to be with extended family over Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it’s a LOT.  The happy holidays can feel like the not so...

This week on RL Radio - NOT going back to the way it was This is the final episode of Season #5. We had a hard time putting a pin in this Season - we had so much fun laughing with each other (and hopefully with you guys as you listened in). I also realize that we bring out the tears in a lot of our listeners, so for that - well, I’m grateful that you were able to grieve and connect and know that we love you all! I wanted us to loop back to Episode #60 where Jason talked about the rubric for...

This week on RL Radio - Part Two of Moving Toward Divorce with Elizabeth Picking up where we left off, I start out with a quick recap of what we discussed in part one and then we continue to dig into more of what it looks like to journey well including having hope. Elizabeth mentions this CS Lewis quote - “One day all the sad things will become untrue.” In other words - holding onto hope includes keeping our eyes on the end goal and NAMING those end goals. Elizabeth challenged the listeners...

This week on RL Radio: Moving Toward Divorce - Part 1 We are delighted to have another conversation with Elizabeth from the RLW team! As you will hear, we recorded this episode in May on her, as she said, “would be” anniversary.  Oh, the timing.  We didn’t know this when we recorded the episode, but our podcast producers shared recently that Elizabeth’s first time on our podcast (Episode #48, linked below) is the most listened to episode!  I am SO not surprised. We received several...

This week on RL Radio - Holding Her in High Esteem How can he hold her in high esteem? Being able to do this is - per Jason, a "quick win" and something guys can start doing today to make a difference in the coupleship and in their recovery. Typically, because of the pain he is experiencing, he will disparage her (to offset the pain). To do this - he needs to focus initially on his own heart and mind - and if he is focusing on her flaws, highlighting her hurts, and bemoaning her brokenness -...

This week on RL Radio - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery in Life What does it look like to "live out recovery” in day to day life? Maybe he is going to groups, getting therapy, not acting out - which is all great. But sometimes (oftentimes) - that can be all that is different. He is doing life the way he’s always done it otherwise. (And side note: this does not promote the rebuilding of trust, safety, or MANY of the things she needs to heal! I’m just not going to mince my words - it simply....

This week on RL Radio - Holding the Tension Between Two Truths In this episode we talk about holding the tension between two truths. This can be a challenge for men in recovery because of the compartmentalization that occurs with addiction. (A big part of recovery is integration - as in, breaking down those boxes.) Holding the tension between two truths is one of several ways we can work on decompartmentalization. Holding two truths can also help when there is catastrophizing in the recovery...

This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part Two In part two, we pick up with where we left off with one more of Thomas’s rock bottoms (in addition to the others mentioned in Part One) that became a pivotal part of his upward trajectory. Ultimately, Thomas hit a place of complete surrender which propelled him toward change, movement and growth. Thomas also shares some of the areas he needed to grow in as well as the lessons he learned + what life looks like today. We are so grateful for...