This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part One Trigger Warning: We want to make sure that you protect yourself (and your children) if you choose to listen to this episode. Thomas shares his story, starting from when he was seven years old - exposed to pornography followed by years of masturbation and progressing from there. The first twenty minutes of this episode are heart breaking but also very important and sacred and we are grateful that Thomas and Emma agreed to share their story...

This week on RL Radio - part three of the Empowerment Miniseries - A “Who Knows” of Hope Oh my goodness, enjoy the first five minutes of the episode as you get a first-hand glimpse into the communication issues that are Jason and Shelley. If you don’t need any more laughs in your day, feel free to fast-forward to just shy of five minutes and you’ll be okay - except the communication issues persist so, well, buckle up. As for the podcast episode - what we dig into is this: What does it look...

This week on RL Radio - part two of the Empower miniseries - Reclaiming What Was Lost {Side note: this episode made me laugh several times while I was doing these show notes. Whatever you do, listen to the very, very end of the episode. Hilarious.} We start by chatting about all the things that were lost: locations, memorable events, the entire marriage, innocence and purity, joy and hope, certain relationships. Basically - it feels like everything. So, what do we do? How do we reclaim...

This week on RL Radio - we start our Empowerment Miniseries - starting with a question we have received multiple times - how can we get over the legitimate fear of seeing and interacting with “attractive” women in public. Because betrayal is an assault on our mind, heart, body and soul - most women feel exposed and discarded and less than. This makes it incredibly scary to go back into public and face other women. As we prepped for this podcast episode, I appreciate what Jason said - “this...

This week on RL Radio - we start by talking about adversarial language. Jason gives a lot of examples - “swim toward the sharks”, “stand in front of the firing line”, “she’s on the gurney”, “tossing him grenades". Jason then explains some of the reasons this can be an issue including - it makes the wife the enemy and dehumanizes her. It also puts him (the husband) in a passive place versus an active participant in her healing. Instead, we want to encourage husbands to pivot toward this:...

This week on the RL Radio Podcast - we talk about a place a lot of women find themselves in: doing her recovery work AND his recovery work at the same time. While this might “work” for a while, at some point - she will be exhausted, worn out, and a shell of herself. So what does it look like for her to drop the rope if he isn’t doing the work? And one note: dropping the rope and dropping the hammer are two different things. Jason got confused, thought they were one in the same - but they are...

This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too! For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and how Jason took the blame initially via victim AND martyr. (Ladies - CRAZY making!!!) Here are three principles he can use to pivot from blame to...

Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even checking the box) or taking the role of the martyr (think: attacking and checks the box but with the wrong heart attitude).   What this does to her...

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well.  Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good.   During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity.  We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to...

On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth!  She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women.  I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not.   Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years.  From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from...

In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work.  Warning:  we get off track a lot.  We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance:  Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin.  Think about it overnight and remain silent.  Contradictions.   This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know:  do I give him grace?  Or do I use the...

Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering:  is he doing recovery work?  Or not? Some of the things women wonder about: is he cheating on me today? what if he is just checking the box? is he really living with integrity when I am not around? is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn? what is he doing when he isn’t with me? is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children? the list goes on… it’s a LOT to carry ...

We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th.  I really hope you will consider joining me!  Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date.  Click here to join the waitlist. We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area:  The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci’s at the Grove I...

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness.  This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here.     I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from.  Bottom line:  initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently.   Some of...

In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex.  We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her.  Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it’'s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored.   We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss:     1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he...

In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery.  While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex.  Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the...

Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record.  We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom.  Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner.  Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one.   In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out...

In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode.  It doesn’t last long, thank goodness.  Hang tight during the first couple of minutes.  As for what we talk about:  it’s all about mid recovery.  Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive.    We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline:   Early Recovery includes: - Formal...

In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust.  Here are five things we focus on:   - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter.   - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives.   - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers.   - When it’s the hardest it counts the most.   - Showing it’s born out of your character change.   We are...

In this episode - we talk about one facet of rebuilding trust.  Jason mentions that the lack of trust for her is rooted in fear.  I struggle with this (as you will hear at the beginning of the episode) because it feels like the issue is on her (ladies - I am here for you and standing up for YOU).  Once we get over that hump - here are several things he can do to love the fear out of her:   - Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense - Jason talks about a hobby that...

In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal.  Here are just a couple of the things we discuss: - Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work. - We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours?  What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)? - Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy. Ultimately - it’s important to...

In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography.  Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children.  Here are the high points: What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older. Naming shame and...

We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares.  I know otherwise! As for the episode:  Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn’t struggle anymore?  This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley’s) head in a major way.  We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame,...

Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record.  We had a ton of technical issues and didn’t realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you! We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going.  Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope?  Or are we going to...