It’s that time of year, when we look forward to food, drink, and time with people we care about. It’s also when we might dread time with people we care about, because that time is filled with talking, and that talking might go in directions that cause conflict. And no, I’m not talking about debating who will win the big game or which movie you want to watch. While Thanksgiving 2016 was probably the most stressful in recent memory for families and friends with differing political views, the...

Once upon a time, if we were upset or disagreed with a person, policy or decision, our thoughts on the matter rippled out maybe as far as our second- or third-degree connections, but not much further. Things moved fairly slowly, and we could generally trust our information sources. But now, almost everyone, with a single click on the word “post” or “tweet,” can share their thoughts with friends and strangers alike, and we can unknowingly spread misinformation or rumors that have the potential...

There are lots of mantras I live by, including "I’m open to outcome, not attached," and "I can handle whatever happens." I’ve recently adopted a new mantra based on some recent experiences – experiences that have found me angry and upset – and it’s such a good I have to share it. Our question this episode: what can we do when we’re so mad we can hardly see straight? Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at www.howcanisaythis.com. You can support this podcast through your ratings, reviews,...

How many times have you been in a conversation and the other person says or does something unexpected or hostile, and you think to yourself – where did THAT come from!? In fact, you might have thought that very thing about yourself! We might think that frustration, anger, confusion, or other emotions that block productive conversations “come out of nowhere,” but the truth is that they always come from somewhere. Our question this episode: what influences our capacity for connection with...

If we hang around with someone long enough, there are little things that pop up that can distract us from heart of the relationship. It might be the way another person eats, dresses, or even folds the towels. And those might seem trivial – after all, differences or annoyances in those areas aren’t make-or-break issues. But they’re not so trivial when they become distractions that suck up our attention. Our question this episode: how should we approach sensitive topics that have to do with...

When we hear someone make a statement that’s not true, or express a personal opinion that cuts us to the core, it’s easy to react by lashing out and attacking that person. It’s not so easy to offer a thoughtful reply that is both respectful and direct. Our question this episode: how can we take the high road while still calling someone out on their harmful actions? I highlight two recent videos - one from James Corden, the other from Annabel (aka @montanaranchwife) - that provide excellent...

Most people dread it. Some people avoid it at all costs. We’ll skip the networking events, duck behind a big display in the store, or avoid eye contact in a public place. What am I talking about? Small talk. It’s something we all have to do, but we almost universally despise. Our question this episode: what can we do to make small talk less painful and more productive?   The inspiration from this episode comes from a recent presentation I gave at the MIT Media Lab. I was talking about being...

A listener asks: How do you deal with a drama queen when they are a close friend? How do you know it is someone being a drama queen and not you being sensitive? Those are our questions in this 50th episode of How Can I Say This.... Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

There are lots of “F” words that we’re supposed to avoid in the workplace. Fear. Failure. Flirting. Fighting. And of course, the word to end all “F” words, which I won’t say because I like to avoid an explicit rating! But there’s another F word, and this one we avoid at our peril: Feelings. Our question this episode: how can we talk about our feelings at work?   My guest today is Melanie Katzman, PhD, author of the forthcoming book, "Connect First: 52 Simple Ways to Ignite Success, Meaning,...

How many meetings or events have you attended this past week? Maybe you’ve invited people over for dinner, been to a birthday party, or you’ve gotten together in a favorite park for a hike. Chances are you’ve been in at least one work, client, or school meeting. Perhaps you’ve attended a conference, seminar, training, networking event, city council meeting, church gathering, book group, or Rotary luncheon. And how often have you left those gatherings feeling like it was time well-spent, that...

Sometimes our journey towards greater self-awareness seems slow and ponderous. And other times, life decides to hit the fast-forward button and give us a can’t-miss catalyst for profound change. No matter which happens to you, both involve conversations. Conversations we have with ourselves, and those we have with others. And the quality of those conversations shapes our life satisfaction. Our question this episode: how can we boost our conversational intelligence, from the inside...

When we think of traveling outside our native country, we usually consider the obvious differences we’ll experience: language, food, clothing, architecture. But there’s another layer of difference that’s more subtle and can dramatically affect how well we navigate our new environment.   Our question this episode: what’s important to consider when communicating with others in a culture different from your own?   Today’s guest caught my eye on LinkedIn with a post about cultural sensitivity...

Today is Friday, August 9, 2019, and it’s been a rough week. I’ve found that I haven’t had much to say. The news and its tragedies have overwhelmed me, as they have the world. For a podcast about how to say it, whatever “it” is, I’m finding myself at a loss. I’m not even sure I have a key question for this episode, except wondering what we can do when words fail us.   This is a rather short episode, because I’m still feeling in shock from the mass shootings that happened in El Paso, Texas and...

When I tell you I’m "going to get back to you by the end of the day," what does that mean to you? And what about how you interpret “get back to you?” You might be surprised to hear that what those phrases mean to you depends on your age. And how you respond to a compliment depends on your gender, in addition to context. Our question this episode: how can we best communicate across generational and gender differences? This episode’s topic brings me back to a listener question from episode 6...

We spend 55% of our time in an average day listening; but what are we really doing? Are we attentive? Fully present? Passive? Distracted? Waiting until the other person stops talking so we can talk? Our questions this episode: what does it mean to really listen, and how can we become better at it?   While this podcast is often focused on the words we say, it’s equally important to focus on the way we hear the words of others. My guest today is coach, author, fellow podcaster and deep...

Failure. It’s something we avoid as adults, equating it with incompetence, lack of effort or resources, bad ideas, faulty execution, and a sign that we’re on the wrong track. But as little kids, we accepted it. Whether we were conscious of it or not, we knew that we were going to mess up on our way to learning something new. Our question this episode: what would it mean if we could normalize failure and talk more openly about it?   This episode is part two of my conversation with Sarah...

There are things we say we’re okay with, but when the rubber meets the road, we balk. Failure is one such thing. Our society often hands us contradictory messages that failure isn’t an option, while saying it’s important we learn from our mistakes. Yes, context is everything. We don’t want a surgeon operating on us to decide failure is an option they can take. But most of us hold ourselves to a surgeon’s standards, saying we’re okay with failure but then feeling like the world is ending when...

Family picnics, sparklers, and watermelon seed spitting contests. These are all part of the fourth of July fun here in the United States. While it’s an opportunity to say that funnel cake has no calories because it’s a holiday, it’s also a chance to celebrate the ideals that our country was founded on, especially the first amendment. Our question this episode: what does it mean to exercise our right to free speech effectively and responsibly?   In this episode, I offer some brief reflections...

One of the ways we form connections with one another is by noticing where our experiences overlap. It’s a wonderful moment when that noticing leads to empathy and intimacy. But just like anything wonderful, there’s a flip side. Our question this episode: when does saying, “I know how you feel” shift from empathy to hijacking?   A recent coaching session inspired me to share a few words on today’s topic of empathy versus hijacking. When it came up in the session, it reinforced something that...

Religion ranks right up there with politics, sex and money as a subject that is mostly off-limits in the workplace. Whether it’s obviously part of someone’s identity or completely invisible to others, our spiritual beliefs inform everything from what we wear or eat, what holidays we do or don’t celebrate, what we name our children, and how we live our lives in general. With it being so pervasive, it’s not reasonable to try to ignore it because we’re uncomfortable with the topic. Our question...

When we think of how we communicate on a personal level, we don’t naturally think of it in terms of ethics and responsibility. But there’s an ethical component to our relationships that is important to acknowledge and discuss. This is especially true when it comes to conversations that happen in groups or that impact large numbers of people, like they do in our neighborhoods, work, schools, places of worship, and government. Our question this episode: what can ethics teach us about effective...

There are lots of reasons why we get our wires crossed when communicating with others. Some of it might have to do with our mood, our assumptions, our past experiences, the nature of the relationship between us and the person we’re talking to, and even bigger picture reasons such as race, gender, religion and other identities that inform how we relate to one another. One trait that falls on the spectrum of communication obstacles is whether someone is coming from an introvert or extrovert...

When it comes to difficult conversations, we’re often focused on what divides us. We are acutely aware of the ways in which we are different from one another. After all, that’s probably what makes the conversation difficult! But if we’re able to balance that difference with commonalities, we’ll have a better chance at easing the conflict. Our question this episode: how does empathy help move us towards a deeper understanding of one another? This is a continuing exploration of the 4 Keys to...

If we’ve spent a lot of time thinking about our values and beliefs and how those apply to social and cultural issues, then we can become very attached to thinking that we’re right, they’re wrong, and that’s that. But remember: everyone feels that way, and the person you think is wrong thinks they’re right, and you’re wrong, and that’s that. We’re left with an impenetrable wall between us that only becomes taller as we dig in our heels. But there is another way. Our question this episode: what...

When a challenge is big, scary, or complex, sometimes it feels easiest to bury our heads in the sand and hope that someone else figures it all out. That might work with some things, but it doesn’t work with the stuff that affects us all, like climate change. We have to find a way to talk about it. And that urgency is compounded when we have kids. Our question this episode: how do we talk with kids about a complex, emotional topic such as climate change? My guest today is Dakota Duncan, who...