Episode 19: Turning One The shock of being back at work is becoming routine. Even the pre-sunrise race to childcare. I feel sorry for myself, and can't quite believe I made life choices that led us to this, as I force your pram through snow drifts, scarf guarding my face from the elements; you wrapped up like a bundle, bewildered, squinting to protect your eyes from the snow that whips across the landscape. It's ridiculously hard. Comically hard. I start to look at people with cars the same way I looked at people with jobs as an unemployed graduate: Do you even know how good your life is?! I fantasize about buying one. I've started saving. I fantasize about giving up and going home. Did I really choose this over Australian weather and our family? Spare moments start to fill with thoughts of your upcoming birthday. Your very first birthday. Packages arrive. I'm happier than if they were for me. The night before, I get a late night burst of pleasure rearranging the furniture and making a birthday display for you to wake up to. Imagining your delight makes me as delighted as anything can. Surpassed only by witnessing it. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my colleagues, my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Mell's Parade and High School Snaps by Broke For Free; Weathered Home 3: Bird Split Sky and Fieldtrip by Candlegravity. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well! Hello Fresh is my first sponsor. Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Care.com are our new sponsors! To save 30% off a Premium membership—and receive a $15 credit that you can use toward paying your caregiver, visit care.com/noaccident when you subscribe. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. We're having a survey blitz this month. Could you take 5 minutes to respond at wondery.com/survey? It helps. So do the iTunes reviews. Thank you kind listeners for the recent ones. I read them all and a nice review in the morning totally makes my day. We'll be back in two weeks.