On Valentine's Day weekend 1999, audiences flocked to see the first of what would be many film adaptations from acclaimed romance novelist Nicholas Sparks with the Robin Wright Penn/Kevin Costner vehicle MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE. This saccharine story of cliches and casual sexism is an unbearable mess, which is why half this episode is dedicated to exploring the numerous allegations against Sparks that he is, according to a court filing, a giant f*****g racist and homophobe who supposedly harassed the Jewish headmaster of his religious K-12 school and encouraged the bullying of LGBTQ students. Join us as we haphazardly describe the plot of a movie none of us could keep our eyes open during, and then regale in the downright horrendous accusations we read straight from the source complaint.