Almost our entire lives are spent in a quest to gain control, security and comfort in our lives. Unfortunately, we never really get it, so we keep trying, relentlessly. This is the main activity of our lives. What would happen if we stopped? We could be less restricted by fear, less anxious, less driven by the need for comfort … and more in love with life as it is. You might be surprised by how much we strive for control. The Ways We Try to Get Control The basic nature of life is that it is everchanging, uncontrollable. When we think we have stability in life, something comes up to remind us that no, we don’t. There is no stability, no matter how much we’d like it. And this kinda freaks us out. We don’t like this feeling of instability, of loss of control. So we do things to cope, out of love for ourselves. These are strategies for control, security and comfort. Some examples among many: * We go on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest, because doing so is comfortable and feels like we know what we’re doing (a feeling of certainty, of things under control). * We make a to-do list or even try out an entire productivity or organizational system, because it feels like we’re getting things under control. * We clean, or declutter, or organize our desks. * We tackle email, because it’s out of control, and getting it under control sounds much less anxiety-inducing. * We procrastinate on a project that fills us with uncertainty, and procrastinate with our favorite distractions, which have less uncertainty for us. * We get frustrated with other people, even angry, because they’re acting in a way we don’t like (we don’t control that part of our lives, and it’s difficult for us) … so creating a story in our minds about how horrible they are and how right we are and how life would be better if they just did X, helps us to feel under control. * We try to organize the apps on our phone, to avoid dealing with our feelings of difficulty. * We plan, plan, plan. On paper, in our minds. Everything feels under control when we plan. * We research, google things, so we feel we’re gaining control over a topic. * We buy books to gain control over a topic. * We sign up for classes. * We make resolutions and goals and bucket lists. * We create systems. * We try to gain control over our health by creating a diet and workout plan. * Shopping feels comfortable. * Eating for comfort. * Drugs make us feel like we’re controlling our state of mind, including alcohol. There are thousands more examples. Examine everything you do with this lens: is this activity a strategy to somehow gain control? Now, I’m not saying these strategies are bad. They help us cope with difficult feelings. Some of them result in a healthy life. They all come from a place of love. But it is good to be aware of this need for control, and perhaps this awareness can even help us free ourselves. Why These Attempts at Control Keep Failing So we do everything above, all day long, when things are feeling uncertain, uncomfortable, out of control, unsafe. They are strategies for control, security, comfort. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Let’s say you make a to-do list and a plan to make yourself feel under control. Now you have to do the first thing on the list. But this makes you feel uncertain, because it’s a difficult task and you don’t know if you can do it. So you go to the easier things on the list … but the difficult task is still there, just put off for a bit, and you feel bad about it. Eventually you run to distractions, or check your email, so you don’t have to do the task. Or you start cleaning up around your desk. You make some calls. The feeling is still there, though, in the back of your mind. None of the strategies work.