(Panspermia III - (Part 3 of 4) 'Desecration') – Mox: This is a Relivenator, it’ll bring these ‘stolen ones’ back to sentience. One blast, wake ‘em up! So, who first? Busher: Give mae f****n’ the gun, I’ll do it! Yeah? Mox: Ah now careful my human friend, you are supposed to be my enemy! I mean you could just as easily use it on me and run out of here, which would be bad for your health. No, no,  which one of the stolen ones do you want to relivenate? Arlee: I don’t give a shite. Jagger: Eh...

(Panspermia III - (Part 2 of 4) 'The Moxypod') – Narrator: Soupalon is not what the human resistance had expected. Welcomed by the holograph Orbit, informed of the 38% Oxygen, double Earth atmosphere, then greeted by 7-and-a-half foot tall Mox Faulder, the one-man Aliens Department, unfamiliar with the names of Baldy and The Meemong, and their claims the Savage Garden was destroyed. Answers are needed, a lot of them, including this one: Jagger: Eh, I’ve a question Mox, how did you learn our...

(Panspermia III - (Part 1 of 4) 'Are We Sweets') – Narrator: It came to pass. The Son of Baldy was crucified by metal-hybrid Foghornious, usurping  the orders of Soupalon High Commander Dickus Soupus to fake the killing as a show of dominion over Earth. Dickus Soupus knew all about betrayal, he had sent five humans to the nearest Soupalon planet colony, The Savage Garden, under the guise of his own revolution, only for the humans to be trialled by Pedup Bauer, head gardener, to exploit human...

(Panspermia II - (Part 4 of 4) 'The Vat of Mutagen') – Arlee: (Muffled) uh, uh, is he alive? Imogen: I hit him too hard! I’m so sorry Ned! Tucker: Busher? (Slap, slap, slap). What’s left of him. Wake up mate! Fack look! His moles are back on his face. Quick, put him in the armchair. Jagger: Wheeezee! He looks like a sumo wrestler. Mr Marshmallow! Yes! Arlee: Can’t even see his mickey. Busher: Stop hittin’ mae! Let me sit up. Arlee: What have the Meemong done to you? You’ve got moles!...

(Panspermia II - (Part 3 of 4) 'The Meemong') – Dickus: What are yis doin’? What the f**k are yis doin’?! Foghornious: Aroooo! Dickus: Betrayer. BETRAYER! Spikus: Uh-ohh… Dickus: Foghornious? Here! I command you to answer me! (Thunder, lightning, wind) Jagger: Bit of a wind getting up. Clone Baldus: My brother’s day has caused the sky to blacken. Dickus: You... Killed… The Starchild! Busher: Peah, gobshites! Always killing Baldy. Everytime! What about mae? Someone kill mae! Arlee: Shut...

(Panspermia II - (Part 2 of 4) 'Seed The World') – Narrator: In Dessie Morgan’s pub, (Clone) Baldus infiltrates the humans by washing their feet. In the square outside, the sun rises on the Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. Dickus: Right. Here looks good. Right in the middle of the main square yeah? Maximum viewage! Spikus: It’s very exposed Dickus. Dickus: Like your ignorance Spikus! Foghornious: Here is a fine place to die. (Metal cage drops to ground) Bert: Hagh? Don’t look at me when...

(Panspermia II - (Part 1 of 4) 'The Passion of Baldy') – Clone Baldus: We have arrived. This is the Ratchly chemical factory. I will leave you now brother… Baldy: I am he. Clone Baldus: And I disappear… (Walking, approaching the factory) Foghornious: Human. Bert: Hagh? Is he talking to me? Who’s- Talking to me? Are you talkin’ to me? Hagh, who ya talkin’ to? Dickus: Calm down Bert, he’s only trying to make friends with ya. Foghornious: You are self-defeating; you act against each other’s...

(Panspermia I - (Part 4 of 4) 'Countdown Underway') – Narrator: Jagger, bound and gagged, is signed over by his father to Whitehaven Psychiatric. Out at the chemical factory, Arlee and Imogen seek answers. Arlee: Quiet now Imogen. This is the Ratchly Chemical Factory. And no offence, but if you only knew what went on here in the past, it’d piss all over your C.U.N.T. Imogen: What’s wrong with Countdown Underway New Tomorrow? The Meemong are part of us and I gave them to you. Arlee: You go...

(Panspermia I - (Part 3 of 4) 'Turn on the Radio') – Narrator: The Radio is on but no-one is home in the 'Coffin Shed' as Dickus leads Foghornious and the assembled ‘Baldus’ to meet Bert Kavanagh at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. We move now to the far side of town. Busher and Tucker hunt down a woman. Tucker:  I didn’t think it was small. I just thought- uh, I don’t know what I thought. Busher:  I’m not a woman right?! I only have one ball. Makes no difference. Still normal… Tucker:  I know....

(Panspermia I - (Part 2 of 4) 'The Freakshow') – Narrator: Humans born of Soupalons in the great Panspermia. Son of Baldy needs a home and the incredulous Arlee and Jagger must turn on the radio… On the Clinkership in the Savage Garden, (alarm rings) danger here… Tonus: It’s the Clinkership. With me… Dickus: Run Spikus, follow the big brains! Spikus: Nnnnurghgh. Tonus: Sean the Degus, status. Sean: It is a distress signal from Soupalon Overlord. We are being called back home to fight. Tonus:...

(Panspermia I - (Part 1 of 4) 'The Coffin Shed') – Narrator: Ratchly... Daytime at Whitehaven Psychiatric Hospital… Jennifer is on washing duty. (Distant scream) (Rubbing skin) Desmond: Aziba, aziba, ba… Ba! Jennifer: Stay still while I soap down your mickey… Desmond: …I don’t like it… Matron Jennifer:  Make sure, (rubs harder) to get the finger deep under your foreskin. (finger pops) Desmond: Spaceship! In the skies! That’s mine! That’s m- Matron Jennifer: Desmond, just stop now. Desmond:...

(United Mutations III – (Part 4 of 4) ‘The Second Egg’ – Ginger: Meeeewww! Dickus Soupus: What are you lookin’ at? Ginger: REORR! Dickus: Gaaah! Ginger: FSSST FSSST! Dickus: Get it off me face, get it Busher: Ginger! Dickus: ARGH! (Farts)… Tucker: Now’s our chance! Arlee, Busher, we’ve got to get to that flyin’ shuttle thing over there. Arlee: What about Baldy? Busher: What about Ginger? Dickus: AAAAGH! Tucker: Spikus… Show me! Spikus: I’m sorry Tucker, Baldy has no signs of life, he has...

(United Mutations III – (Part 3 of 4) ‘Calving Time’ – Gabbler (head stretches in the Wishfield): It’s not working! It’s not, I can’t… it’s- Pedup: He’s on the way to growin’ an extra head! Busher: Ah, this is useless! Tucker: Like the riddle was useless? Do you SEE where we are? Come on! Arlee: Give it the holly! Jagger: Heezzzzeee I haven’t pulled so hard since Mrs. Bruno forced me to. Tucker: Speed it up Gabbler!! Speed it up! HEAVE! Gabbler: Wait! Wait! Waaaaaaiiittt!...

(United Mutations III – (Part 2 of 4) ‘The Wishfield’ – Busher: Peah… Pedup Bauer: Akskskskhhhsh!!! Arlee: AAAAH! Pedup: That’s far enough with yis thanks very much! Arlee: Lads, it’s another! Jagger: What is that yoke? Busher: Head like a bale of hay looka. Tucker: Here we go... Gabbler: I don’t believe it. Pedup: Howayis! Aksskskshhh! Stay still now. I have the betterin’s of yis, so no fight from ya now ya hear? F****n’ sure. I am Pedup Bauer, I am the Savagery! I tend to these Gardens as...

(United Mutations III – (Part 1 of 4) ‘Fastest Finger First’ – The story so far... (a gentle recap); Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race and now upon their Savage Garden satellite station, his importance to the Soupalon is stupendously realised. But what of Busher and his quest with Tucker, Arlee and Jagger to primarily rescue Busher’s cat Ginger (but also having to track down Baldy?) as the fate of humanity hangs in the balance? Our furtive foursome have wound up in the...

(United Mutations II – (Part 4 of 4) ‘Garden of Futchafutcha’ – Narrator: From the Garden of Aiden to Dickus and Baldy at the Garden of Rememberin’s… Ginger: Meoorooow! Baldy: No, no I can’t go on… I’m f****d. Dickus: You probably are, but we must keep walking. Baldy: Uuughghnn (collapses). Ginger: Roooreeeww… Dickus: Baldy! Baldy! Get up! Baldy! Come on! Spikus: Stop it Dickus! Leave him alone, it’s okay fuss fuss… Dickus: We have to keep going. I know what I’m doing Spikus. I will tell ya,...

(United Mutations II – (Part 3 of 4) ‘Garden of Scorgie’ – Narrator: The game is afoot, Dickus and Spikus escape the clutch of Maltus Brindle as our heroes traverse the Ureariver away from the Shlylerbols. (Wading through river as Shlylerbols laugh in distance)  Jagger: Ah me mickey… Arlee: Stand up ya fongin’ eegit Gabbler, sure it’s only waist high. Trust me ya f****r! Gabbler: Me hair! Jagger: Smell is stingin’... Tucker: Stinkin’ Busher: Stankin’! Gabbler: Stretchin’! Your Tank Top is...

(United Mutations II – (Part 2 of 4) ‘Garden of Shlylerbol’ – Narrator: Baldy and Ginger flee into the Savage Garden. Meanwhile, aboard the incoming Shoupshuttle… Dickus: Alright mutants, hang on! Arlee: ‘ere, how long to the Savage Garden? Dickus: We’re pentetratin’ the lower atmosphere. Jagger: Heeezzze, it’s like sittin’ on a 200 watt amp, Gabbler: Fierce salty too... Dickus: Salty eh? Gabbler: I should know, I swallowed enough of Pat Moley’s. Mnammnam… Busher: I feel sick. Tucker: How in...

(United Mutations II – (Part 1 of 4) ‘Map of Moles’ – (Opening credits sequence) Gabbler: This is like being in a holograph. Busher: Phwizzz! Tucker: Come on Busher! Will you make space?! Dickus: Plenty of it around ya here... Spikus: We need to find out the co-ordinates otherwise we’re going nowhere Dickus, Dickus: Shhh Spikus, I know... We have to figure somethin’ out. Boghead knows how this is going to work. Spikus: And us with human cargo... Dickus: I know. Pure madness! Spikus: Do you...

(United Mutations I – (Part 4 of 4) ‘To The Savage Garden!’ – Baldy: Urghgh. Get off me yis bastards! Ginger: Meeowwww... Brindle: Ah, the pregnant one called 'Baldy'... Please, sit down, oh, but you probably can’t. Baldy: Evil twisted burglarising festered ignorant- Brindle: Yes Mr Destiny, I’m glad you accepted my invitation after your treatment. I have prepared a nice presentation for you. Tonus: I bow in such presence of greatness. Touch it gently... touch it gently... Touch it, touch it....

(United Mutations I – (Part 3 of 4) ‘Pregnant’ – Narrator: As Baldy and Ginger look trapped upon the Savage Garden, we return to Earth and to Tucker and Arlee at 4 Hollyberry Terrace (in Ratchly)… Tucker: It’s the jerk! The jerk! It’s in the angular jerk! I fackin’ knew it too. Ah, Newton, you took your bloody time. I’d’ve got that even before me mid-mornin’ crap! (Makes tea, switches on 'The Sweeney' on tv) Arlee: Ahhh Uggggn! (Backwards) “second egg, second egg, savage second egg, follow...

(United Mutations I – (Part 2 of 4) ‘For The Love of United’ – Brindle: There… is your answer, a brief stop off on our way back to your impending sacrifice to the Soupalon High Council. They will marvel and be not a little taken aback at how you pathetically embody human resistance to our world. And as for you pointing out my predecessors; Holtus was a vain creature. And Dickus? Well the absconding Dickus will soon be joining you, as soon as we take a moment here on the 'Savage...

(United Mutations I – (Part 1 of 4) ‘Kidnapped’) - You beautiful mutants. This is for you. Cave bestiam! A sci-fi wretch. The first 20 minutes of the story of ‘Busher’, of ‘Laura’, ‘Baldy’ and of ‘Ginger the Cat’. A story of outcasts who outlast, of losers who lead, of cretins who create. This is not Sparta, this is Star Trek gone awry. Possibly better than Blake's 7, it's the United Mutations… Busher: Get out of me way! I don’t CARE! Say nartin’ to me or I’ll burst ya, Where is he... 24, 26,...

(Mental Holmes III – (Part 5 of 5) ‘Means Nothing To Me’) - Freud: Nein Nein Nein! Holmes: No, no! You got to believe me Doc! It’s all true. Tomathy wanted me to see you. He’s gone off the charts with the monkey balls in him, and I’ve been trying to cover his rampant sickness and all that time, that little voice in my head pushing, “Tick tock Tarquin!, Tick Tock Tarquin! Ah! Ah!!!” Again now! It’s wild with the anger!!! Help me!! I’m Madden the Head, must make it orderly! Must make it...

(Mental Holmes III – (Part 4 of 5) ‘Holmes Alone’) - Holmes: That’s it… F**k all squared… Lost on the streets…. Walking… Hours… All night… Because Holmes; is alone. Gerbil: Tick tock tick tock Tarquin! Time to return! Holmes: You! Gerbil: He is Das Ich, you are Das Es, I am Das Uber Ich! Holmes: Where were you when you were needed? Gerbil: You must go back, take the blame, take the shame. It is who you are! Save your friend! Holmes: From what? He’s not my friend anymore. He’s a user! He’s got...