How can parents navigate teaching their children about the strength of their true selves instead of only bolstering their false self in the ego? What does it mean to find strength in your true self? Can strength exist in multiple forms? In this podcast episode, Billy and Brandy Eldridge speaks with Dr. Kelly Flanagan about being worthy of love and belonging. Meet Dr. Kelly Flanagan Dr. Kelly Flanagan is a clinical psychologist, author, consultant, and speaker who enjoys walking with people through the three essentials of a truly satisfying life. Kelly has a Ph.D. from Penn State University and is the founder of Artisan Clinical Associates in Naperville, IL. In 2012, he began his now popular blog, where he writes regularly about those three essentials: worthiness, belonging, and purpose. His writing has been featured in Reader’s Digest, The Huffington Post, The 5 Love Languages, and in 2014 a letter he wrote to his daughter led to their appearance on the TODAY Show. In 2017, Kelly published his first book—Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life—and it debuted as the #1 New Release in Interpersonal Relations on Amazon. His next book—True Companions: A Book for Everyone About the Relationships That See Us Through—will be published in February 2021. Kelly is married to another clinical psychologist named Kelly—because they decided to make life more complicated than it already is—and they have three children: Aidan, 17; Quinn, 13; and Caitlin, 11. They live in a small town outside of Chicago. Connect and learn more at www.drkellyflanagan.com and listen to his podcast. In This Podcast Summary * The ego castle * Dr. Kelly’s advice to parents about shame * The ego is both essential and non-essential The ego castle Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s popular metaphor for the ego protecting the true self is explained through the motif of a castle. It has: * Walls to hide who we really are. Even in the best circumstances, these walls tend to come up around the 3rd or 4th grade. The ego walls are just the ways we begin to hide our uniqueness and the ways we hide things that might set us apart so that we can blend in and fly under the radar so that no one else will nail us. (Dr. Kelly Flanagan) * Ego canons: these are added around middle school and comprise the angry, more aggressive things we do. It comes from the idea that the best defense is a good offense, an intense action of the ego to protect the true self. * Ego throne, a place in the world where we feel good enough in the world by having established ourselves to feel good enough. Our jobs, popularity, wealth status can all be ego thrones. The problem is at some point we realize we’ve done it, we’ve arrived and now what? I’m lonelier than ever inside this ego castle, I feel more disconnected than ever … but every castle has a drawbridge, and every person has a choice at that moment to lower that drawbridge and have their true self walk out the false self and show up vulnerably and authentically in the world. (Dr. Kelly Flanagan) Dr. Kelly’s advice to parents about shame You probably will have shamed your children at some point, but it is nearly impossible not to do this to your kids, so there is no need to shame yourselves additionally for having passed on shame. You can offset this shame in your children by affirming the identity they have in a way that will help them to buffer other shame they may encounter later on in life. I think this is something we can be doing as parents on a consistent basis, is just thinking: what is the delightful thing about my kids?