Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies. 🏰 RE: RE: Date Your Boss! Have you ever wanted to rise up the corporate ladder the fast way? Introducing Mandatory Speed Dating Mondays! Mr. Royals will be vetting all potential candidates, single, poly,...

Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow! 🏰 RE: RE: New Year, New You Clippings To all Royals and Royals employees: we see that you are trying to clip your plant clone to create additional clones, and ergo i.e. e.g an entire plant clone army of yourself. Well let it be known that...

🎄 Sweet silver bells, it's Ian and Travis! 🎄 And they're building a festive edutainment adventure that teaches the storied (and controversial) history of your Yuliday tree. So listen up, because there is a quiz afterwards, and it IS mandatory! Plus: attack of the Wintaur! Saint Steve sucks! And Travis spilled soda on his hat! 🎄🎄🎄 RE: RE: [AUTOMATED YULIDAYS MESSAGE] Hello and thank you for your message! The Royals and Royals HR team will be out of office from the 22nd of Deepwinter until...

Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch blasts! 👶 RE: RE: To all parents of Royals and Royals— You are invited to a wonderful night of BLOPPI ON ICE! Watch in amazement as Bloppi explains dinosaurs while pirouetting across the logo of...

HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners! 🦃🔪 Dear underlings, Apparently I have upset Jack the Flapper with the most recent podcast and he is taking extra special interest in our employees. Mind your most stabbable bits—and Happy Holidays! Ok bye, Travis Royals

OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it. 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— The employee refrigerator in the break room is there for you all to use, but we have to establish a few rules. Please add your name to your food so when Travis steals food from it, he will know who has good stuff. Also please label whether or not it...

Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions! 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— You may have noticed four very skinny duergar have taken residence in the kitchen. This is Mr. Royal's new "entourage". They are relatively harmless, though their judgmental...

JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint! 🏰 To the witches and warlocks of Royals and Royals- The cinnamon brooms are intended as seasonally appropriate decor and should not be ridden around the office. Ultimately this is for your protection—most all who have attempted to do this...

In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment. Also we coin the term "Fluffback" Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday speech by sending us an email at [email protected] 🏰 FROM: Orange J. SUBJ: fast food monarchy Dear Royals and Adron Please make an adventure that allows me to usurp the throne from the...

This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there! IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO [email protected] 🏰 FROM: [email protected] SUBJ: Sent from the Trek Plane Dear Crappy Castles, I much appreciated your recent mention of me on Episode 30: 2 Fast 2 Mad About It! It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I will...

Lactose sensitive adventurers BEWARE! 🥛 Travis, Adron, and (GASP!) Ian create a world that is so immersive, so rich, so creamy that it MUST be Wisconsin. Plus: How is Ian back? Did Adron actually mong cheese? How quickly do cheese curds multiply if they're alone in a crawlspace? THE ANSWERS WILL BE CHEESY! 🏰 RE: RE: Don't Feed The Company Man Some of you may have noticed a very hungry, very old man in our walls, in the refrigerator, or peeking over your restroom stall. DO NOT FEAR HIM. Not...

Travis Royals and a SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST attempt to design an adventure to help one special listener deal with the loss of their favorite podcast co-host. (Note: It is totally not the former co-host of this podcast, Sir Ian of the Hills.) Plus: deals with god, Michael's Bay, and how to roll a d2. 🏰 RE: RE: The Candlelight Vigilantes It has come to our attention that some of you are seeking vengeance for the banishment of our lead architect, Sir of the Hills. Also that you have armed...

Travis has shunted Sir Ian into a strange pocket dimension which leads to an encounter with a questionable former employee, the elusive company man. They make lemons into lemon flavored goblins by taking this as an opportunity to collaborate. 🏰 FWD: FWD: HR will not longer handle employee complaints As stated in the subject line, the HR department can no longer spend time handling employee complaints and reports of injury. We will however be storing them in a secure location, free of...

Sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It’s been ONE WHOLE FISCAL YEAR of this podcast and so it is time to take stock what has worked and what hasn’t, as well as set goals for the future. Travis and Ian don’t do any of that in this episode. But thanks for listening for a year and we look forward to keeping it going. That is, if we figure out where that spell sent him… Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 FWD:...

Travis and Ian peel back the scales on the realms most beloved winged and treasure hoard lovin’ denizen to get makeover befitting of Royals & Royals. There are actually some cool ideas in this one. Also some crappy ones. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: Lorem Ipsum introduction We have a new hire today! Lorem Ipsum joins the team and is ready hit the ground running with… well we’re not really sure what their skills are but be...

The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is hungry again! 🏰 RE: RE: Royals & Royals Game Night CANCELED Coworkers- We regret to inform you that our annual Royals & Royals Game Night has been canceled. Someone snitched and apparently...

The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: hi GREETINGs EMPLOYEe! :)))))) I AM THe PTO TROLL! new rule: ALL EMPLOYE MuST solVE my RIDDLES THREEE if taking VACATIONS. if you NEED ME i will be sleeping IN PARKING DECk. thank YOU! luv u :0 PTOT

Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: DO NOT CASH OUT (NOT A THREAT) You may have heard that our humble adventure architecture firm landed a big enough whale to keep us all in silk pajamas for the next few hundred eons! But Mr. Royals wants to stress that this is NOT...

When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the importance of buying high and never selling. 🏰 Email [email protected] to have your letter ready on the show!

DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles

IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic like that that can keep a podcast going for two, maybe three more episodes! Plus: influencer dragons, timey wimey explosions, and a couple hundred omelettes. 🏰 RE: RE: A.B.S. (Always Be...

Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new paychecks, and Travis is pissed about pretty much all of it. 🏰 RE: RE: The Kids Are Alright (We Think) Parents who were taking part in the new Royals and Royals Tower of Tots program: we regret...

🍀 MAY THE LUCK OF THE ORCISH SMILE ON YA! 🍀 Travis and Ian go on a futuristic journey set in the scary cyber-port city of Beantown, MA. Including such futuristic locales as SHIPYAHDS and DIVEBAH. Plus: Murphy, Molly, and a protestant, Prius driving snake. (Adron also made a really good quiz song that you're gonna have to hear to believe.) 🏰 RE: RE: I Hate That Dirty Water We're getting a lot of compliments on the green tap water and green toilet bowls and green twenty story lobby...

Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose first into a pile of pixie stix, and Adron continues to be the Necco-white backbone of the show. 🏰 RE: RE: Replacement Royals? Dear employees, It has been weeks since our president, leader, and...