In a fascist near-future, Jane has eight days to take a world-saving thumb drive through an apocalyptic nature walk. Meanwhile, an unpurged newscaster tags along. It’s the episode with the personality of that weirdo in the elevator.

When Ed and crew seek a pardon for ex-pirate Serena, The Governor of Jamaica asks them to kill a Chinese Pirate Empress first. Will they defeat enough pixelated monsters to complete their quest? Will you look up “cephalopod” to complete this episode? It’s our review of the film that has more stereotypes than Radio Shack.

Wannabe pirate hunter, Ed Reynolds and crew face off against an immortal swashbuckler. Moreover, a cadre of pixelated skeletons just have a lot of feelings right now. If a ship floats through Sword Scabbard Island, does that make it a wide-berth canal? It’s the episode that’s ballistic for the ship gunner. Pirates - 2005. Dir: Joone.

Murphy resents his boring life with his partner, Omi, and their kid, Gaspar. He pines instead for the volatile romance he had with his ex, Electra. But when Electra goes missing, Murphy loses himself fully in nostalgia. Can Murphy’s rent-a-shaman unceremoniously pull him out of his rut? Can Americans even behave themselves in Paris? It’s the episode with more red-and-green radiance than a traffic light. Love - 2015. Dir: Gaspar Noé

Kevin and Gina are near-picture-perfect roommates. There’s just one problem: Kevin wants to evolve their relationship into its final romantic form, while Gina is happy keeping it platonic. Things go south when Kevin develops a scheme to catfish women online and inadvertently matches with Gina. Can Kevin learn how to soul-patch things up? Does Gina snort manic pixie sticks? It's the episode that's comfortable blowing boogers all over your shirt. The Friend Zone - 2012. Dir: Eddie Powell

Otherwise sin-free Justine is *technically* destined for Hell after she ends her lonely, boring existence. But the afterlife’s bureaucracy is willing to bend a few rules so she can rightfully earn her place there. It’s French Existentialism with a Bronx accent in the episode from which there is No Exit. The Devil in Miss Jones - 1973. Dir: Gerard Damiano

When Julie Garrett is found dead with a broken bottle shoved down her throat, it’s up to Detectives Byrd Smith and Joe Gillette to bring her killer to justice. Unfortunately for Julie, the detectives have their own problems, and no one wants to tell the whole story. It’s the episode that can’t find its way out of The Zone. Throat: A Cautionary Tale - 2009. Dir: Paul Thomas

India, a journalist getting the scoop on polyamory, resents her partner Eric’s relationship with a younger woman, Kara. Can a series of pep talks change how India feels? Somehow relatedly, is PMS a social construct? Can Tara and Jim escape the wrath of actor Ryan Driller? It’s the episode inspired by the film inspired by the polyamory text: Sex at Dawn. Marriage 2.0 - 2015. Dir: Paul Deeb

Innocent young Joanna is seduced by the underwhelmingly-named sadist, Jason. Is it a simple case of lust at first sight? Or is Jason’s twisted agenda—aided by his loyal house staff—not what it seems? Do not adjust the brightness level on your display! It’s the episode that’s anything but lit. The Story of Joanna - 1975. Dir: Gerard Damiano

Crystal’s wedding anniversary ends in fake diamonds, botched murder, and the apparent death of her husband. But when she’s confronted with evidence her attempted spouse-ssassin yet lives, only Brody, a freshly-dumped cop on the rebound, believes her. It’s the episode that’s not afraid to ask: do memory-residue stains wash out of slouchy furniture? Passion Before Midnight - 2003 (but in a 1996 way). Dir: Stan Allen