Ranger Alex and Ranger Chris discuss the disturbing possibility that Ranger Bonnie was kidnapped by the Moose Mafia. Then, German survival expert Wolfe Barbeques (Jon Mackey) stops by to give some tips on surviving in Gunkhole, but not before telling the rangers about the German version of Home Improvement, his various parking disputes, and the real story of Julius Caesar's death.

The rangers get inspiring news about Fred Jones, listen to a voicemail from Brian Urlacher, and argue about color-coded sex wristbands. Then, Women of the Woods leader Labiana Wilkerson (Ryan Asher) joins to discuss Tom Hanks, Barry Bonds, and other feminism-related topics. 

The rangers get bad news about Liam Jordache, learn about Ranger Alex's latest video game, and find a disturbing clue about the Country Bear Jamboree. Then, bayou-born park visitor Fred Jones (Corey Martin) takes a seat in the burnt out school bus to chat about fishing, faith, and his intimate relationship with water.

The rangers get bad news about Madison Flip, discuss the bats' state funeral, and find a new place to relieve themselves. Then, extreme rock climber Liam Jordache (Jamison Webb) stops by to talk about his various sponsors, his climbing style, and his history with the Wahlberg family.

The rangers get bad news about Rick Plates, discuss Robert DeNiro's most intimidating role, and try to learn more about the insidious Country Bear Jamboree. Then, aspiring teen vampire Madison Flip (Maggie Winters) tells the rangers about her parents' divorce, the unique services offered at Hot Topic, and how she managed to make her skin so translucent.

The rangers get bad news about Ranger Reggie, discuss how Ranger Bonnie is training Ranger Alex for his ultimate battle with Brian Urlacher, and gain appreciation for the literary works of Adam Sandler. Then, bear baiter Rick Plates (John Patrick Coan) joins to talk about his bear baiting methods and his dispute with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Banished to a tent just outside the park boundaries, the rangers discuss Ranger Chris's new reading habit, Ranger Bonnie's adopted flamingo children, and Ranger Alex's plan to win back the love of his son. Then, newly-hired park ranger Ranger Reggie (Garrett Kelly) stops by to talk about his custom car and possibly help the rangers get back into the park without getting tommy-gunned by bats.

The rangers worry about potentially experiencing consquences for their actions. Once they're done with all that, they chat with traveling toplessness activist Megan Megan (Lily Sullivan) about how she's inspiring women everywhere.

The rangers talk about Ranger Chris's helicopter trip, Ranger Tamsin's revival from the dead, and Ranger Bonnie's 23andMe results. Then, local cult leader Geralg Stockholm (Luke Null) arrives to lodge a complaint about some recently boiled virgins and help the rangers figure out what song plays during the pottery scene in the film Ghost.

The rangers listen to Brian Urlacher's in-character voicemails and talk about Ranger Chris's haunted rash. They're then joined by Gwendolyn van der Park (Mylene van Zijl), a wealthy park ranger visiting Gunkhole from upstate New York as part of the Ranger Swap program. Before she can inherit her first park, she has to prove that she's capable of interacting with normal people— but will her penchant for murder get in the way?

The rangers discuss accents and television sales before an unexpected interruption from a wayward southern belle named Donna. After Donna leaves non-suspiciously, the rangers welcome their guest, Misty Mysterious (Nicholle Harris), host of the popular podcast Sexy Mysteries with Misty Mysterious, who reads the rangers' auras and reviews the 2006 Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves film The Lake House.

The rangers talk about various bear-related incidents in and around the park, most of which involve some sort of meat. They're then joined by Cinnamon (Rose Buchbinder), a "vegan meditator" who tries to help the rangers with their problems but mostly ends up making them all very horny.

Park rangers Alex, Bonnie, and Chris discuss sparrows, boofing, beef jerky, and how they got into the park rangering biz. Then they welcome their first guest, British gentleman and frequent park visitor Christopher Elkworth (Sean Wissing), who teaches them the British pronunciation of Kurt Cobain's name, among other things.