You need to keep your guards up. The stuff (which is now in your past), will keep trying to trip you up. You need to apply effort in order to maintain the hard earned and carved out gains; but gains there are; very tangible; very real. You did it. Not a programme. You did it. I could lead the horse to water, but as a facilitator, I could not make it drink. (By the way, I wasn't calling you a horse)! When you drink; when you drank; you made incremental steps toward your best life, without...

One such tool - is your Support Structure of people that you can call upon when triggered and the going is tough on a particular day - to get you through that day. Who is in your Inner circle of three close support contacts? Don't go it alone. Don't be an island; "Shame" loves that and rubs its hands with glee - "Got ya". Talk to the three. Tell them your needs. Get agreement to be there for you day and (night!). You will reciprocate in the future. Test the friendship and use it. Then set...

When all else fails; when all the tools have not helped; when you're triggered and battling the near eleventh hour; when you are about to act out. You know it; it seems inevitable; deja vu. You have been hear before; oh so many, many times. So annoying; so frustrating. You know the morning after the night before, is coming; you know the self recrimination will follow; the guilt; the regret; the increased shame; the self loathing; the remorse is an understatement. Yet, you are on a...

Know you, know self, know your brain. It is not always your bestest bestest bff. It often is working against what is good for you, at the behest of what it perceives as being right for you - in the moment. But not all your senses have been consulted beforehand. It does not always tell you the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. In fact, it can very brazenly sabotage what is good for you, in its assessment of what it believes it is doing to protect you from discomfort.  It is...

You have heard me repeatedly rabbit on with this mantra haven't you? What you do not understand, you have no hope of influencing; no hope of changing or even embark upon the change process - (and change is a process from A to Z). Why? Because the stuff you don't understand, lives in the unconscious. It works away below the "Mission Impossible" infra red light and no loud alarm is triggering to bring it to your attention. What you must, must, must, must do, is move the stuff from the unseen;...

We will say that Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is set up in one of three ways - Opportunity, Attachment issues and/or Trauma. Trauma is not necessarily limited to big events that happen in a war zone. It is also the impact on a seven years old, whose Game Console is taken by a friend and when they knock on the friends door to get it back, a parent slams the door saying "It isn't yours; I bought it for my child". The child runs home crying, but there is not a parent who fights their...

We can't change what we cannot see and do not understand. This is me doing life how I do life. What's the problem? There is no problem (to us), if there is no problem. But the truth is, we know some things are not working right in life, but we don't understand why or what. Change has not and cannot even begin.  When we gain greater insight and understanding, then change has become. We have moved the stuff from the unconscious into the consciousness. It can never be the same again. It is...

Managing triggers is just one aspect of the recovery process. Not unique to sex/porn/love addiction; it manifests in many other trauma areas, such as childhood sexual abuse that keeps on keeping on being triggered in adulthood. How did the triggers get set up. Childhood development holds the clues. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) may hold the keys. Really? No way? Does it come with a guarantee - this EMDR stuff? What is it about? Go after the setting up of the addiction,...

The cave man instinct to protect us from the mammoths & sabertooth cats is alive and kicking in our 21st Century way of doing life, as it played out back then.  The dangers have changed, but nonetheless, the brain (our cognition) convinces us of a danger that is not real and the body comes to alert repeatedly through the day, ready to protect us, unless we can calm our thinking and take it off guard duty. Our thoughts, our thinking, our cognition leads to our behaviour. Not the other way...

....but it isn't that complicated! At least not when you read the material from public friendly neuroscientists like Dr Caroline Leaf. "The Pleasure Principle" - What's that about? Another very clever Neuroscientist (Dr Struthers) has brought together the individual role played by each of those (neurotransmitters/neuropeptides/brain chemicals/biochemicals - whatever they are properly called). This is where I get ready to run for my bunker, for fear of the wrath of a grieving female partner -...

We do need to pay much attention to those Childhood development stages and how they may have shaped how we go on to do our adult relationships:  "Come close; I want you close; I need you close; I need to own you for myself; you're too close; move away; give me space; this is stifling; i need more from you; you're not the one for me; blowing you up".  Any of these ringing true or resonate with you? It is called sabotage. Go after the sex/porn/love addiction first and have " Mrs Porn" on...

Early years fostered, Adopted, Immigrate, parents separation & divorce, verbal, physical, sexual and/or spiritual abuse, Boarding school, premature birth, incubated, mothers post-natal depression, alcoholic, drug use, parent working away a lot, emotionally absent even when they are home - are just some contributing causes for setting up INSECURE ATTACHMENT - which may later manifest in how the adult child will go on to do interpersonal relationships. We all need a lighthouse that is...

You feel insecure in close relationship with another and so the brain provides strategies to "control" the relationship, but is so unconscious that you deny you are doing any such thing.  Attachment is more accurately Detachment; yet a pining to be close to at least one other. Strange contradiction hey! In your quest for sobriety, don't go for long strides and big leaps. Successful recovery and achieving sobriety, is more about small bite size, incremental, but progressive steps. YOU can...

Core Emotional Needs, such as Approval, Attention, Security, Respect (and more) get depleted over time and as human beings, getting them met, and kept topped up, is not optional. We will consciously, but mostly unconsciously Fight/Flight/Freeze in order to get them met. They desire to be met. You are in danger zone for Acting out, as a way to fulfil those needs - temporarily. Yet, temporarily (at the time), is good enough and promises a fix. Fight may take the form of passive-aggressive....

Just like similar poles of a magnet repel each other, so it is that Narcissism and Empathy also repel each other. They cannot co-exist in the same place together - in unity. Either you will have more of one and less of the other being played out or less of the other and more of one! Get it? Here's the deal. One MUST become less and the other become greater. Which one is the greater in your life? Let The Kairos Centre help you to make EMPATHY the dominant trait that is played out in your...

Do the Maths. Remove shame and sex addiction breaks down. Remove Narcissism; more accurately, transform Narcissism (over time) into Empathy and sex addiction breaks down. Learn how to make shame visible; walk of the page; become touchable - using The Kairos Centre "Shields" exercise. Many clients initially, find it difficult to identify with and own Narcissism until we break it down. Come and learn more about these two dominant features of sex/porn/love addiction. Let The Kairos Centre...

Having completed the extensive History Taking (by asking lots of questions over three sessions) to build a profile of our clients from birth to current age, we then give feedback and diagnosis. That includes an hypothesis as to the Role, Function & Purpose which the behaviours serve. It is important not to hide behind the feedback which finds that something happened to you in childhood development; therefore current behaviour patterns are not your fault. Not true! Not a level playing...

The Kairos Centre Recovery Programme is about the couple recovery, not only the person with the addiction behaviours - where you are in a partnered relationship. Sit in the seat or walk in the shoes of the partner affected and see life from their vantage point - if you dear - if you can! Difficult to stay with it since to do so means subduing  and turning off inclinations toward narcissism. Take a glimpse through their lens before narcissism kids back in. Empathise with their pain. Even...

Change has begun when you can see the problem; moved it from the unconscious to the conscious. It does not, however, mean that you have changed it immediately you recognise and can see the problem; but change has begun. Get up, dust off and get back in the fight. You can do this. Let The Kairos Centre come alongside you with support. Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Probably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery...

"My word is my bond".  When I was a lawyer, this was an overriding priory and principle. Maybe in the past you have made repeated promises to yourself to stop and/or change the behaviours, but you have not followed through and are disenchanted. Get up, dust off. Get back in the fight. Those that achieve change are those that got up, dusted off and got back in. Take your journey and resolve up a level. Create a written Agreement with yourself as a promise to use best endeavours to achieve...

Shame is a massive component that underpins, causing, enhances and maintains the proliferation of sex, porn, love addiction. In this context, we are discussing toxic or what is  otherwise called unhealthy shame. Guilt & embarrassment are off-shoots of shame, but they are different. We can recover from those, but toxic shame says "you are a mistake". That leaves no hope for change. Shame tells you a lie. Don't believe the lie. Don't buy into the lie. Yet you do and you have to, because...

Shame keeps Trauma in place, because it gets in the way of us seeking out and getting the help that we need. In the UK a mental health diagnosis remains a sign of weakness. We readily seek help from a Doctor where we have a pathology in the body, but much less so for the more debilitating psychological pathology which stops us functioning effectively. Thank you Prince Harry for recently bringing the role of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) to a higher profile by showing to us...

Urge Surfing, Mindfulness, Reciting your Pillars, are some ' in the moment'  fight back techniques. Here is another one, taken from our EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) practice that is sure to benefit you. .....but it is all about the tapping, to benefit from igniting the left & right brain - in the form of Bilateral Stimulation. Otherwise, you are just doing 'positive thinking'! It works! Give it a try. Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how. Presented...