We all enjoy eating at restaurants. But have you ever really thought about how or why we choose those restaurants? In this Patch, we dive into some of the key considerations that go into picking a restaurant. Are you swayed by spruikers throwing in a glass of wine? Will you pick a 'feed me' option? Do you care about the name of the restaurant? In this episode, Josh expresses his love for menus stuck to the front window of a restaurant, Christian vents about the 'please wait to be seated' sign...

We navigate the difficult questions and considerations around walking through doors. First door in our line of sight is the revolving door. After dissecting some of the nuances of entering one of the revolving door 'slices', we look at some of the other classic doors: sliding doors, fly-screens, car doors, van doors and the enigmatic turnstiles and plastic strips at the front of milkbars. After talking about our favourite types of doors, we move onto key chains and the keys you carry....

Should you wish someone happy birthday in a group thread if you've already wished them happy birthday in your own separate thread. We also ponder what questions you should ask someone on their birthday. Plus Christian reveals how many of his childhood birthdays were spent at Crown: A World of Entertainment. Plus find out if you can give Gordon's Gin as a present! Search for us on social media to see clips of the show: We're on Instagram, Twitter, Tiktok and Facebook....

This week we give you the indispensable instruction manual on how to properly try shoes, clothes and cars. Dion gives us a surprise Roobois Challenge, and Christian writes the rulebook for when you can return items to a store. Search for us on social media to see clips of the show: We're on Instagram, Twitter, Tiktok and Facebook. linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch in our off week! Check out:...

Dion, Christian and Josh are back for Season 7! Join the boys as they cast their minds all the way back to Episode 1 nearly five years ago. They discuss their updated 2022 insecurities, Dion gives an update on his never-ending revolving door of hairdressers, and of course, what they are now Doyens of. Plus old school games ”Monotoly” and Really Good!  Remember to follow us on social media inc YouTube, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and head to Patreon for bonus content:...

Patch 100 was recorded LIVE at Brunswick Ballroom on April 9 2022 as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Josh confronts Dion about something he noticed whilst editing the podcast, we prioritise hellos and goodbyes and finally, discuss making room for dessert. We were also joined on stage by very special guests Meshel Laurie and Daniel Connell to talk stealing shopping trollies and kissing your mother on the lips. A big big thank you to everyone who attended the live show!...

After months of radio silence, Christian, Dion and Josh are on the mend and ready to return. We wanted to record a quick update to let you know what we've been up to the last few months and our plans to return for Season 7. Thank you for holding down the fort. We're back!... That is our seat though. Yeah. The one you're sitting on. Yeah. We were sitting on it just before we left. Yeah but it doesn't matter that we've been gone for 3 months - we left our glass there. We were always going to...

For the second week running, to whet your appetite for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival, here's a walk down memory lane to Show 2 last year. Get your tickets to this year's show (Sat 9 April at 1pm) here! https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode Recorded LIVE on April 18, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Is it acceptable to leave a live event early? What should you do if you stop next to...

We're performing our 100th episode live show baby! Listen to this short little trailer while booking tickets to our bloody show. With special guests comedians Meshel Laurie and Daniel Connell! Also jump on any of our social media channels to see this audio recording brought to life in 4-DIMENSIONAL video: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode We cannot wait for this. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

To whet your appetite for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival, here's a walk down memory lane to Show 1 last year. Get your tickets for this year's show (Sat 9 April at 1pm) here: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/welcome-to-patchwork-100th-episode Recorded LIVE on April 11, 2021 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. What time does a host need to arrive to their event? Should you pause your conversation when a waiter begins to...

Christian received a wonderful compliment while riding his bike and he was thoroughly chuffed. He tells us about how chuffed he was. Megachuffed. Josh has big issues with message reactions. What was wrong with a good 'haha' or a 'lol' - there's too many options now and it's an absolute disgrace. Does reacting to a message signify simple acknowldgement or is it rude and dismissive? We also discuss if you should always go and visit a friends 'new place' and what you're looking out for when...

Josh wonders why Christian and Dion chose to print their name while signing the pair of elf slippers ew auctioned off. Turns out Christian would rather get a celebrity print their name rather than sign it. We all agree that shopping centre interactive maps are very confronting and give you a false sense of security until you instantly get lost at the corner of the National Geogrpahic and JB Hi-Fi wondering if you were meant to turn right or turn due South. It's Dion's turn for 'Good at / Bad...

Josh attempts (and fails) to set the record straight about drinking Dion's beer - turns out he's technically correct, the best kind of correct, but morally bankrupt. Christian's shares his latest get rich quick scheme which is pet-napping. We also realise that losing your wallet isn't anywhere near as bad as it once was. Dion discovers that his work colleague owns the same pair of shoes that he does and he is filled with shame and regret. He is also the only one of us to have experienced this...

We're back baby! With a very special announcement and some classic Patchwork. There's bones to be picked and befores to get started. Christian takes issue with Josh trying to sell some Elf Slippers online which spirals into some hairbrained scheme of Christian's to list brand new clothes online the day he buys them. We also dive deep into what things make us feel cool and also uncool. One universal truth we seem to land on that there is something particularly cool about sunglasses. With...

We've had a bit juicy break to rest and recoup and can't wait to get back into your ears in 2022! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Merry Christmas Patchworkers! In our annual Christmas episode we cover the Christmas menu. How fixed is your families Christmas menu? Do new dishes ever make it on? Christian has been trying (and failing) to add vegan dishes to his heavily Italian Christmas to no avail. Maybe 2021 will be the year. Christian also lays down his patented 'Gift Giving Guide' - it's all you'll ever need to figure out what to buy someone for any occasion. There's also a visit from Santa and a very special young...

There's yet another twist to the saga of Samantha the turtle! Let's hope Josh stops milking a lost turtle for content, after this week. We find out who among us holds the record for 'most times car has completely run out of petrol' and how lazy they are. We fully cover our strategies for filling our tanks including some more life hacks from Dion's dad. We also try out a new segment called 'Good at, Bad at'. Josh is up this week and we explore how useless he is with interior decorating but...

Turns out that Dion hates a meandering walk but Christian and Josh love to go for a trot - conversation ensues. We find out our limits for how far we're willing to walk and under what conditions. Christian also reveals something shocking about his feet. We also take a trip to the tuck shop and reminisce about our old tuck shop orders and most likely what we'd order now as adults. Josh gives us an update on the Turtle saga for those who followed that story on our instagram. With very special...

We discuss if it's ok to simply hang up a phone call while it's ringing, or if you should let it ring out to be polite. Christian thinks that under no circumstance can you hang up and he takes us through his '4 ring classification system'. We also delve into what kind of activities are permitted to be undertaken while waiting for your food delivery to arrive. Dion apparently loves to do a bit of a backyard prune! Josh also delivers the second part of his story about Kamahl. This installment...

Christian picks a bone with Josh's tuneless whistling. We discuss what we've been up to since lockdown has lifted here in Melbourne. Number one post lockdown activity on Dion's list was a hair cut - is that weird? I rekon it's a bit weird. Christian is desperate to get into a store and sit on a couch as he seeks to furnish his new place and Josh just wants to do the boring thing of 'socialising' - what a commie bastard! Josh also regales us with the story of how he became friends with...

How confident are you in being that first person to put their hands together at the end of a performance? It's a big risk, what if you get it wrong? They'll boo you out of the theatre, probably. We also critique those pointless empty gestures like pretending to pick something up that's fallen over when you have absolutely no intetion at all to follow through. Why would you bend over like a chump when someone else will, and by faking it you still get credit for trying. Just don't pause and...

We talk animal shelters, flat tyres and delivery estimate etiquette. Josh clumisly wades into dog eugenics while Christian can't stop talking about sexy dogs. We also go deep on dip. Should the foil stay or go once the seal has been broken? We just can't decide, what do you rekon? We also discover that Dion has shocking sour cream application technique. With very special guests 'Wheel of Fortune Cookie' and 'Really Good'. Josh's 'Game Boys' Melbourne Fringe show 'Hey Hey It's Lockdown'...

"The boys are back in town, the boys are back in towwwnnnn." *sung to the tune of "Boys Are Back In Town". While we've been hating our lives in lockdown, Dion's been gardening and ruminating on what could've been if he'd ever got a job at Bunnings. We give some advice to a Patreon in need whose housemate is taking way too much credit for recommending she try oat milk. We also tackle the age old question of what is required for an evening to be considered a 'night out' rather than just a...

Hello Patchworkers, it's been too long! Sorry for not communicating clearly with you as to what's been going on with the show. The short version is: 'it's been a bit shit during lockdown here in Melbourne, hasn't it?'. A juicy update for you all as we get back into it! Patchreons, keep an eye on the Patchreon feed for a big chat about how we've been feeling.   See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

'What is the purpose of the front porch light if not to be left on for members of the household currently out of the house!?' says Josh indignantly during this episode. He's sick of fumbling with his keys while Christian sits inside laughing at how much electricity he's saving. The trio also ponder what's required of both parties when someone turns up to your house before you're ready. We also settle on our dream jobs if we were to have lived back in the Wild West in a frontier town and take...