Our hosts discuss examples of "the craft of CRAFT" and the art of changing our messaging with subtlety and compassion to communicate better with our loved ones. It's about finding thoughtful ways to express boundaries and explain your needs and requests without criticizing. And keep in mind that the conversation will continue.

Christina Dent discusses her new book, Curious: A Foster Mom's Discovery of an Unexpected Solution to Drugs and Addiction. Christina grew up in a conservative Christian home. Her views of addiction changed dramatically when she and her husband became foster parents. Christina founded the non-profit End It For Good to invite others to listen to the voices directly impacted by our drug laws.

Laurie asks co-host Kayla questions about the role of a therapist in addressing substance use disorder. Kayla Solomon is a social worker in private practice in Northampton, Mass. Her specialty in addiction began right after college when she was hired as a methadone counselor in Brooklyn. She has worked in Intensive Outpatient Programs, clinics, residential and private practice. She is certified in Imago Relationship therapy, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, and Brainspotting.

Hear the rest of our conversation with Bill Carruthers, who describes himself as "a person in long-term recovery." He is also a Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner; a Certified Peer Specialist for Mental Health, Addictive Disease, and Whole Health; and a Forensic Peer Mentor. He has done hundreds of presentations and workshops, and works to bring a voice gained through recovery experience to the transformation of current systems and programs. He is a new partner with Allies in...

Our hosts have a conversation with Bill Carruthers, who describes himself as "a person in long-term recovery." He is also a Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner; a Certified Peer Specialist for Mental Health, Addictive Disease, and Whole Health; and a Forensic Peer Mentor. He has done hundreds of presentations and workshops, and works to bring a voice gained through recovery experience to the transformation of current systems and programs. He is a new partner with Allies in...

A listener asks about their son's marijuana use: is it a problem? With a substance that also had medicinal uses but can also create issues, more questions arise. Are there benefits? Is the person functioning and communicating well? Are they connecting with people? The answers lie in working on communication, in helping the person understand for themselves whether it's a problem.

Our hosts discuss the situation of a family whose loved one wants to do fentanyl detox at home. What's involved in detoxing? How does it work? And should they let their loved one do it this way?

If you're forced to have limited contact, it can be hard to handle the unknown. It's important to learn how to be in contact in simple ways, and to calm your system down to respond well and strengthen the connection. Use humor; find ways to connect with who they are and what they like -- reminding them of who they are becomes a bridge and connection. If you’re worried, learn how to communicate simply, without accusation or judgement.

In a sort of CRAFT primer, our hosts define and discuss "agency" -- the sense of control you have -- and how it works for your loved one and for you. The goal is to feed positivity so they feel agency and can make better decisions. You foster agency in someone else by calming down and gaining more agency of your own.

It’s important to CRAFT that you become a complex thinker – not just black/white or good/bad, but looking at a bigger picture to see a range of possibilities and hold more than one truth. To, as Kayla says, “heal into wholeness,” it’s important to become more yourself by experiencing all the feelings and thoughts you may have, to hold them and see your perspective and the other person’s. The bigger picture you get, the more you can see possibilities that make you more whole and lead to healing.

You hear it a lot -- "allow for natural consequences." But what does that really mean? Natural consequences are the things you sometimes shield your loved one from -- whether it's a small conversation with someone who's upset with them, or something much larger. If something endangers life or well-being, different rules apply. But allowing the consequences of your loved one's actions to play out for them can be a force for change over time. Start with awareness; don't spend long feeling...

Our hosts discuss and offer advice on two stories and questions covered in the Allies in Recovery blog. First is a look at a woman who took a stand with her older sister -- who then dropped out of sight. Second is a family whose loved one experienced seizures during withdrawal, but wanted to stay alone while detoxing.

You can become an agent of change by changing yourself. How do you step back, take space, change the dance from the usual interactions? You can't do that if you're moving too fast to assess things. Remember that change starts slowly; make small changes, and let them accumulate over time. Crisis that happens all the time is actually chronic behavior, and no longer crisis in the same sense. You can't lift a car off someone every day -- you have to change the underlying dynamic.

In part 1, our Allies member discussed intimacy and its role in applying CRAFT in a romantic relationship. In part 2, she discusses how she's handled issues related to kids, CRAFT, and talking to them about substance use disorder.

In the first of two episodes with Isabel Cooney, our hosts discuss Isabel's experience with her former husband, and issues of intimacy -- how does it function as part of the CRAFT framework? Is it, should it be a reward?

We intend to be supportive and helpful, and keep our loved ones safe. But our words aren’t always perceived that way. It’s important to become more aware of how we’re coming across, and to gain the tools to soften the message, hear when they feel upset, and shift things so that we can go back into connection. The result is building the relationship so things can come out more clearly, and the person can more readily receive our words if they choose to.

"Functional analysis" means figuring out what's happening -- to your loved one or to you -- in the moments before, during, and after a particular behavior. It might be a challenging or a positive behavior. It's a tool to help you understand the thoughts, emotions, and external factors that go into these moments, and to go from being unconscious and reactive, to conscious, to having choices. It's about trying new things, assessing whether they work and seeing what you weren't aware of before....

Presume you’ll have moments in a relationship that feel like gigantic rifts, or like uncomfortable separation and disconnect. That’s not a problem, but an opportunity to show that you’re changing and working on your part. Take full responsibility for your part, whether they do or not. Keep doing it over and over, so you become a safe person -- the person who’s there when they decide they’re ready for more help.

Some things get said a lot. Do they hold truth? Two get examined in this episode: "There's nothing to be done until they hit bottom," and, "To get day two abstinence, you need day one." Both bring our hosts back to the same emphasis: being present in the moment. You're not waiting for a "rock bottom" moment, because it's hard to define and may not be the moment change happens anyway. Your job is to be present, to not make extreme changes or expect extreme results. Slow things down, and look...

Don't just use CRAFT now and then, or come and go from the practice. Learn the tools; let them get under your skin. Learn one thing at a time, and take it one day at a time. You don't have control over the big picture, but you do have control over what you're learning, practicing, and taking in. It's okay if it doesn't work immediately. Practice the skills consistently, and change can happen.

Does your loved one see things in terms of victimhood, in terms of what's done to them? Do you see your loved one's actions that way? Feeling victimized means you're being passive, having things happen to you. It can feel like things are not fair, like you've been dealt a lousy hand of cards. It's important to shift your perception, focus, and behavior to remember that you have agency and control, that you're responsible for yourself, your actions, and your self-care.

Sometimes, people say the person with substance use disorder "has to want" recovery before it will happen. Others even say they must want it more than their family members or allies. In truth, people are often ambivalent; the process is often subtle. It's up to us to provide options, be open to their process, and discover our part, changing our own behavior rather than trying to change theirs.

Being an ally for a person with substance use disorder means stepping up beside them. Work with yourself so you can better see the opportunities to be a change agent -- for slow, methodical change. If your role is too large, you need to be just another player, waiting for your chance. Be a good "dance partner."

How do we move away from expecting perfection from ourselves? Through patience, compassion, and practice. Change is an incremental process. Embrace "beginner's mind," and don't be afraid to fail. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them; practice until the tools become automatic.