If you are currently or planning to become a parent, this week’s episode is for you. The transition to parenthood is a significant milestone for many reasons. It’s an exciting and life-changing time for you and your family, which can also lend itself to struggles like postpartum depression or anxiety and relationship issues. When relationship issues go unresolved after the birth of a child, they can snowball. We often see couples who identify the shift in their relationship began 5-10 years...

Friends don’t let friends personal growth all over their partners. We love reading, listening to podcasts, and doing online courses. We love to learn and share that knowledge with anyone who will listen. (I mean, we host this podcast…). What we have had to learn not to do, is share this knowledge with our partners when they’re not interested. Often, one partner is more into personal development than the other. This can become a source of conflict when that partner tries to pull the other into...

Well, things have certainly shifted over the past few weeks. Here in NY, schools are closed, restaurants and many small businesses are closed, and a ton of people are working from home who never have before. There is a heightened level of stress and anxiety right now that’s weighing on everyone. Aside from concerns about the impact on the health of ourselves, friends, and family, there are financial concerns, and the need to adapt suddenly to unexpected lifestyle changes. We recorded this...

So, it’s not really about the coffee. You know by now that taking responsibility for keeping your side of the street clean is a key component of healthy relationships. This isn’t always easy. We have days where we didn’t sleep well, are under extra stress, or are just in a bad mood. If circumstances like this have primed us to be irritable or have a short fuse, it’s likely we’re not going to do the best job at managing our emotions. There are, however, things within our control that have an...

If you’ve found yourself hiding boxes from your online shopping in your garage, car trunk, or closet - welcome. You’re in good company. So many couples struggle with speaking openly about finances and coming to a shared perspective for future financial goals, how money should be spent/saved, and how to organize their budget. Often, this leads to an unspoken “agree to disagree” arrangement, which involves each partner doing what they feel is right. Communication about money is avoided because...

Have you ever wondered about emotional affairs? We’ve worked with many couples who have gone through the experience of a partner having an emotional affair. Let us tell you - an emotional affair is just as damaging (if not more) than a physical affair. The dishonesty and turning towards someone new instead of your relationship partner creates a significant breach of trust and requires a lot of repair work to move forward. There are a few key components of emotional affairs: 1 | They’re...

Do you ever feel like you’re so “in your head,” that you’re missing what’s going on in the here-and-now? Racing thoughts, replaying things that have happened in the past, worrying about things that could happen in the future - these experiences pull us out of our body and into our mind. The problem is if we’re stuck in our mind, we can’t really feel. We’ll miss those intuitive hits, hunches, and gut feelings meant to guide us through life. Our emotional experiences will be stunted or bypassed...

This year on Valentine’s Day, we’re encouraging you to make it about more than just flowers and chocolate. So much emphasis is put on the Hallmark qualities of February 14th, but celebrating in this way once a year is not going to have a notable impact on your relationship. Our resident Certified Sex Therapist, Marina Voron, says: Make Valentine’s Day your Sexual New Year! Think about the motivation you felt on January 1st. It likely felt like a clean slate, a fresh opportunity to tackle your...

It can be really frustrating when you don’t feel heard by your partner. It seems like no matter what you do or how you express yourself they just don’t understand your perspective. They may keep shifting the focus back to their own experience or tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. So, what do you do? In many couples that we work with, this leads to a habit of case-building. We view case-building as coming up with every single reason why your position is correct...

One of the most challenging parts of merging lives with a spouse is having them join your family. You’re inviting them into a lifetime of history, beliefs, routines, and expectations - and you’re not giving them a rule book ahead of time. The differences between our partner and our family became crystal clear when we’re faced with a decision and the two do not agree. (Think: where to buy a house, how to spend a holiday, who to invite to a party you’re hosting). Let’s take the hosting a party...

The idea of “respect” comes up quite often in our work with couples. Consider the following: - How do you “know” your partner respects you? - In what ways do you act respectfully towards your partner? - What behaviors does your partner do that make you feel respected? It’s often easier to identify the actions that make us feel disrespected, like: - Being yelled at or talked down do - Feeling your time and commitments are not being taken into consideration - Not feeling acknowledged or...

There are certain conflicts that seem to come out of nowhere. You’ve approached your partner with a concern, laid it out as clearly as you could, and - to your surprise - they completely lose it. They’re angry and hurt - and it’s somehow your fault. How are you supposed to bring up your concerns if this is how they’re going to react. Most likely, this is a case of the message being sent not ending up as the message being received. What you thought you were sharing with your partner was very...

We’ve got something a little different for you this week! Our guest, Juan Santos, LPC, is joining us to talk about his five step strategy for building more trust in your relationship. Having a foundation of emotional safety is key to constructive communication, effective conflict resolution, and a healthy emotional bank account. You’ve got to trust your partner with your feelings in order to be honest and vulnerable. When you think of trust, think: T - Time R - Respect U - Understanding S -...

It’s that time again… New Year’s Resolutions! 2020 goals! New Year, New Me! Insert eye roll. Look, we’re all about personal growth and making positive changes in your life and relationship. We just don’t feel like it can only start on January 1st. If at any point throughout the year you feel the need to reset, jump back into this episode and follow our three step process. In the meantime, let’s plan for a successful 2020! You’ve got to ask yourself a few things: - Where did you come from?...

When you’ve been together for awhile, you get really good at figuring out why your partner does what they do. Or, do you? The accuracy of those assumptions (yes, they are assumptions) really depends on what information you’re using. Are you basing your guess on the guess you made the last time this behavior happened? Did you have an ex who used to do this behavior all the time because they were uncomfortable with emotional intimacy? In your family growing up, was there an unspoken rule that...

By now you know how important rituals of connection are to the health of your relationship. (If this is new to you, check out Episode 002 - Getting Back to the Honeymoon Phase - One Habit at a Time Having daily, weekly, and monthly shared activities with your partner is the most impactful way to keep your emotional bank account balance high and your relationship skewed towards the positive. Marina and I are sharing our top rituals of connection that we’re keeping consistently lately! Not...

During the holidays, there is a significant increase in invitations and expectations from friends and family. It becomes even more important than usual to check in with yourself and your partner on how you’re feeling, what you want, and what you need. Without this check in, you’re likely to end up feeling overwhelmed, overbooked, and resentful. Your physical and emotional energy may become depleted and you’ll look back on this time of year with relief that it’s finally over. (Not the type of...

Would you describe you and your partner as friends? Are you friendly to one another on a daily basis? Do you look out for each other and offer help when needed? Do you laugh together? We’ve talked about the three arenas of healthy relationships - physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and friendship - many times and we find friendship often takes a back seat to the others. The existence of a strong friendship can be more subtle than the other two. Here’s what it looks like: You find each...

Thanksgiving is just a few days away... are you ready? This holiday is a great opportunity to pause and consider what you’re thankful for, both as individuals and a couple. We’ve touched on gratitude many times in that past, so you know it’s a powerful way to cultivate more positivity in your life and relationship. The holidays can be really difficult. Each one brings a slew of expectations, stressors, past experiences (both good and bad), and more. Thanksgiving is no different. Both you and...

Well, today we’re being really open and honest with you. We want you to know: - We argue with our partners. - We use the 4 Horsemen at times. - We get emotionally flooded and overreact. - We get triggered and lash out at our partners because of past experiences in our relationship or childhood. We do these things because we’re human beings having an imperfect experience of life. However, we have mastered a critical skill: Repair. When a disagreement goes south, the fallout does not last for...

We live in a world of pressure, deadlines, and overwhelming to do lists. Naturally, this way of being has a tendency to flow over into our romantic relationships. But, what happens when it does? Truthfully, it doesn’t always go very well. A few things to consider: Is this something my partner actually has control or influence over? If not, that’s a good indicator that putting time pressure on your partner is an attempt to cope with your own feelings of hopelessness or helplessness in a given...

Our resident Certified Sex Therapist, Marina Voron, gets asked this question by couples A LOT. “How often should we be having sex?” For most couples, it seems once a week is a healthy target. Why? The focus on frequency of sex is really about making it a habit. Once a week seems to be often enough that couples can get into a routine and have consistent enough opportunities to make it happen. When sex happens less than once a week, it can start to feel high stakes and pressured, since it...

One of the most challenging dynamics couples face is when one (or both) partners lie. Being lied to can be extremely triggering within a romantic relationship. Growing up, we’re taught about the inherent “wrongness” in lying and those lessons become internalized as unwavering beliefs. “Bad people lie.” “People who lie have something to hide.” “If someone loves you, they will always be honest with you.” Learning your partner has lied can lead to a cascade of worry thoughts and questioning past...

In case you needed more motivation to get your relationship on the right track, research shows that the quality of your romantic relationship has a significant impact on your physical health. In her recent book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily Nagoski details the range of affects marital quality can have. Perhaps not surprisingly, worse marital quality was associated with worse mental health and quality of life. Consider the daily impact of relational negativity on...

In our recent discussions about the benefits of gratitude journaling, we learned that not everyone feels inspired by making a list. While I love lists - haha - and feel satisfaction from filling each line, Marina feels restricted and bored by that. Lists can have an association with chores or “to do’s,” making them a turn off from some people. If you’re more of a “Marina,” mindmapping may be a better fit for boosting your mood and enhancing your relationship. Mindmapping is a more flexible...