Do you feel you have to have all the answers? To always be right? Do you treat your feelings as if they are unassailable facts? If so, it may be time to reflect on whether you may be too opinionated. Obviously, we all have opinions, but when you refuse to accept that someone else’s differing point of view might have merit, you are being driven not by your own perceptions but by insecurity.Opinionated people create a black-and-white word where ambiguity is eliminated. Insecurity abhors...

Most have experienced mountain-out-of-mole-hill thinking, what psychologists call catastrophizing. That’s when something goes awry in our lives, and we immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. More often than not, we leap to this anxious conclusion with minimal objective reason to despair. Even when a situation isn’t dire, we still feel like we’re in a doom-and-gloom crisis. When caught up in catastrophic thinking, it’s not pleasant. You have racing thoughts; you begin to feel...

We all overthink at times; research suggests that 73% of 25- to 35-year-olds and 52% of people over 45 chronically overthink. Although not a mental illness, overthinking has the potential to not only ruin your day but, more seriously, become the foundation and fuel of anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggles. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss three types of overthinking: rumination, future tripping, and overanalyzing. Aside from circumstantial difficulties, like losing...

If life, in fact, were fair, then no one would ever suffer from an injustice, no good and decent person would ever be mugged, and no one’s reasonable expectations would ever be denied. Clearly, life isn’t always fair. We know this, well, kind of, but when we do experience unfairness or even cruelty, why do we cry, “This shouldn’t happen to me, it’s not fair”? Despite our objective view of the world, we cling to a more primitive expectation—an expectation of fairness.In this Self-Coaching...

My high school biology teacher taught me that humans avoid pain and seek pleasure. I agree with this, but I would like to add another human imperative: we like to be in control and don’t like feeling vulnerable. Because of habits of insecurity, many feel constantly out of control and vulnerable in their day-to-day lives. And lacking the psychological maturity and self-trust necessary to handle life, they, ostrich-like, look for ways to escape. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss...

We humans undoubtedly just want to feel safe in life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and less vulnerable, but when primitive, reflexive habits of insecurity (a.k.a. the Child Reflex) steer our lives, then there’s an inevitable price to pay—emotional struggle. In this follow-up to last week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into three compensatory expressions that get us in trouble: the Star, the Fanatic, and the Control Freak. Join me as I explore these...

  Whether we’re talking about compulsivity or perfectionism, these personality traits have one thing in common: they’re misguided, insecurity-driven attempts to control feelings of vulnerability. As with other controlling strategies, stress becomes an inescapable component of maintaining a compulsive-perfectionistic lifestyle. In time, stress inevitably depletes, leading to emotional struggles, especially anxiety-based issues. It may be okay for others to come in second, spill ketchup on...

What comes to mind when you think of a turtle? The shell, right? When feeling threatened, turtles escape into the protection of their protective shells.  We, humans, also have shells, but not physical shells made of keratin, ours are behavioral—we have avoidant strategies to protect ourselves from perceived harm. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the fact that all humans have shell-avoidant behaviors, but not all avoidant behavior is neurotic. It all depends. It depends on the...

Maybe there are people who never worry, are always in a good mood, feel secure, and never flinch when facing life’s challenges. You might be tempted to think such a person surely isn’t neurotic. And this may be true, although I’ve never met such a person. I think it only fair to suggest that being neurotic isn’t a black-or-white description—it’s a relative statement. The real question is, to what extent are you neurotic? In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that a life of...

In this week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into the remaining 7 principles of self-coached healing. This episode deals with the illusion of control, the habit nature of emotional struggle, the reality that healthy thinking is a choice, and the fact that a good coach needs to be a good motivator. These seven principles will equip you to take your life back from the reflexive, neurotic thinking that has tarnished your emotional life.  

Self-coaching, from its very inception more than thirty-five years ago, was my attempt to combine cognitive behavioral psychology with a unique form of motivational coaching that would provide a common-sense approach to understanding and eliminating emotional struggle. It’s not the historical truth that will set you free, it’s realizing that all emotional struggle is the result of our habits of insecurity—habits that we inadvertently feed or starve. Through the years, these principles...

What’s going through your mind right now? What thoughts are you aware of? Can you “hear’ this inner talk? When you say, “I’ll never get that job,” or, “I can’t stop worrying about getting older.” You’re actually talking to yourself—not with your mouth—but with your mind. Let’s call it, ‘mind-talk.’ And neurotic thoughts can affect us emotionally, providing the fuel for anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle. But, in order for thoughts to affect us, two things have to happen, 1.) You—a...

I’ve been a psychologist for almost 50 years, and two things I’ve learned about human nature: 1.) we are creatures of habit, and 2.) habits are stubborn. When dealing with anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle in general, there is nothing more important than to understand how the entrenched habits of insecurity have come to contaminate our potential for happiness and solace. Unfortunately, when someone tries to change, they typically fall short of breaking the emotional habits that are...

Ever heard of Occam’s razor? Essentially, Occam’s razor states that the simplest explanation is preferable to one that is more complex. In my early years practicing psychology, I decided to challenge the complexities of traditional analysis. As I began to formulate my Self-Coaching approach to emotional struggles, I came to a ‘chicken-egg’ issue: Does anxiety produce anxious thoughts, or do our anxious thoughts produce anxiety? The same goes for depression and emotional struggle in...

If you believe that you can’t be happy, that too much is going on and you can’t handle it, or that you can’t shake feeling anxious or depressed, then you’re allowing yourself to become corrupted by such beliefs. You need to understand that insecurity-driven beliefs are not facts. Facts are stubborn things, and when you allow yourself to feel victimized, you’re treating feelings as if they’re facts. When this happens, you become powerless to change the course of your life. The truth is you’re...

Self-Coaching is an “impatient” form of therapy. Whereas traditional analysis patiently explores the depths of your past, looking for the “truth” that will set you free, Self-Coaching rejects this notion. Like a cigarette smoker, you don’t need to know why you started smoking; you need to know what you can do to break the habit. It’s not the truth that will set you free; it’s understanding how you unwittingly reinforce neurotic thinking habits. Asking ‘why’ you struggle isn’t the right...

“I’m so stressed! I can’t take this job anymore!” “I don’t have enough time to get things done!” Stress is a part of everyday life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by your stress. Victims are powerless, and you are not powerless! The truth is we were built to handle day-to-day stress; it’s part of our fight-flight nervous system that evolved to protect us from danger. We may have been built to handle situational stress, but we weren’t meant (or equipped), physically or...

As we juggle the complexities of our lives, we often find that we just don’t have “enough time.” We feel that we’re spread too thin, we’re worn out, depleted, and stressed. Life has become more and more convoluted by the ever-growing demands put on us by incessant texts, emails, phone calls, and interruptions that simply can’t wait.   And yet, rather than simplifying our lives, we just keep adding layer after layer of new complexities as we seek that mythic place where our to-do list...

Self-consciousness is a form of egocentricity….we feel all eyes are upon us. It’s called the spotlight effect. However, the attention you get when you notice a large ketchup stain on your blouse or when you slip on a banana peel isn’t the attention you want—it’s embarrassing. We inherently strive to have others see us the way we want them to. Unfortunately, life has many pitfalls and obstacles to challenge us. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that Self-consciousness is...

Do you have difficulty saying no? Are you a “pleaser”? A “yes” person? If so, you must recognize that you’re being held hostage by a long-standing habit of insecurity. You find it so hard because if we please someone, it will be much safer than if we displease them. Maybe you don’t want someone getting angry with you, or perhaps you don’t want to disappoint them. Or maybe you don’t want to feel guilty. Whatever the reason, pleasing others at your expense isn’t a free lunch--you pay an...

Stress and anxiety are closely related, exhibiting mostly identical symptoms such as trouble sleeping, digestive issues, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, irritability, and so on. Although the symptoms are similar, what triggers stress isn’t what triggers anxiety. To rid your life of the friction created by stress and anxiety, it’s critically important that you understand these differences in order to employ the appropriate Self-Coaching strategy to alleviate your struggle. In...

People come to therapy with the expectation that therapy will help them change. Is this a myth? After all, it's not unusual for people to remain in therapy for months, even years. What’s the truth? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the truth about psychological change. Current research suggests that there’s no question that our genes predispose us to five identifiable core personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. This,...

In everyone’s life, there are times of intense chaos, challenge, and uncertainty. Where we become overwhelmed with crippling emotions making it difficult to think or act rationally, and yet, even in the throes of such tumult, there are ways that you can fortify yourself to withstand life’s inevitable ‘meltdowns’ better. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss, what I call, your “resilient gene.” Once you realize that we humans are genetically equipped to handle adversity, you can...

In every relationship there will inevitably be ups and downs, disappointments, and regrets, but what if I told you that there’s a way to protect yourself from needless relationship conflict and surprises? There is—and in this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that managing relationship “orbits” is the key. By understanding relationship orbits, you’ll be in a position to place your relationships in their proper orbits based on how you're treated. Your inner orbits are reserved for...