One of the best ways to increase emotional agility in conflict is to recognize and manage your conflict hooks. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

What we do immediately after we express empathy helps or hinders the connection and alignment we’re trying to build. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter here.

How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they’ll actually listen. Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the printable cheat sheet here. Subscribe to my monthly Subtack newsletter here.

It’s tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we can do something more powerful and, ultimately, more satisfying: Help people illuminate what’s important and generate effective solutions to problems. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter here.

My newsletter, Disagree Better, turns 25 this month. I’m marking the milestone with 25 ways to disagree better from a wide array of thinkers. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don’t sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they address behavioral elements of the conflict without also addressing systemic elements that drive the behavior. The Relationship Diagram is an excellent tool for overcoming both of these problem-solving hurdles. Relationship diagram demo (video) Episode transcript Frame a solvable problem To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus...

Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a way to disagree better even when we think we’re handling the encounter well and they’re not. Episode transcript Seeing the equal human in front of us Susan Cain's website To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. It’s not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals. Episode transcript About neural pathways My book, The Conflict Pivot To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's...

Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior. Episode transcript When they're not ready to talk How to navigate the "not my problem" problem A question to help make sure you're solving the same problem The "real issue" black hole Instead of labeling, describe the...

I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here’s one way to do it. Episode transcript The Knowledge Illusion by Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier. Episode transcript The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir The negative effects of trying to stand in their shoes More on practicing in low-stakes situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it. Episode transcript An article about Epstein's and Black's work Small caring actions to ease suffering Every conflict contains a bid to be seen To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why. Episode transcript 2014 Stanford University research 2022 Max Planck Institute research A long walk with two mediation clients To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful. Episode transcript The "as if" technique Ruth Chang's method for making hard choices Atomic Habits by James Clear More on...

When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcript The 2018 research Source of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcript The 2007 research The 2018 research The 2021 research Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice. Episode transcript The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos More on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversation Shared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that...

Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative. Episode transcript Evaluating whether we should raise an issue or let it go Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of...

Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening. Episode transcript The journal article Every conflict contains a bid to be seen Multitasking is bad for good listening The downside of copious note-taking Practicing transparency when overwhelmed by a...

Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships. Episode transcript About Biosphere 2 About trees and stress wood How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later When parents avoid disagreeing in front of child or routinely break up sibling arguments When parents prevent their child from...

When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important. Episode transcript Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution. Find the interview here To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.