Lengthers, Genuine, Quiet, Hard Working Australians; roll up your sleeves, put on your bib and dig in to the final feast of the year!  Jeff Fenech's brain will be donated to science and boy oh boy are the possible learnings limitless. Following the Marrickville Maulers lead, brains should be compulsorily acquirable by the newly established National Brain Register, whose research focus on two main categories: Badly Damaged Brains, and Brains of Extraordinary Achievement, with Fenech's brain...

Bend over, Lengthers, and get ready for a strip search; Horse Force is on patrol! Gigs are up for grabs in the strip search unit, just in time for Operation Stink. Have you got what it takes? Is sport under an existential threat in Australia? Does the future of the Australian park feature players? One worrying thesis suggests sport’s popularity is waning. Waning! In Australia! Making matters worse, waiting in the wings to take centre stage when sport collapses... is gaming. Video games! Can...

The time has come for a Root and Branch Examination. A Root and Branch examination of what, exactly? Australian Cricket. No Ball Rulings. Australian Rugby League. The Australian Olympic Team.  Australian Rules Football. Professor Drizzle’s Drought Thesis. The discovery of the Fifth Force - a new kind of subatomic particle believed to be the missing piece in our understanding of dark matter. Tina Turner’s pay packet. Sun Yang’s hammer time doping debacle.  This only scratches the surface....

The Clash of the Codes ended in a draw which can be seen as nothing but a huge victory for the quiet Australian. Noodles and The Stool went toe to toe to release the huge hatred both very effectively convinced themselves they had for the other. The boys dissect the fight and Roy explains why it’s far more important to watch the audience as opposed to the actual fight. But a draw leads to the obvious conclusion that there needs to be a rematch. It needs to be bigger, it needs to be angrier,...

Fresh off Vow and Declare’s huge Melbourne Cup victory for quiet Australia, the question must surely be asked: is it time for a horse to receive the Anzac Medal? It was a win sorely needed for Australia after the Kangaroos shock loss to Tonga which has had major domestic and international geopolitical implications. China must surely now see that if they want to be taken seriously in the Pacific, entering the realm of International Rugby League is a must. Domestically, we have far bigger...

It seems the Australian cricket team coaching staff believe the future of pace bowling lies in being able to bowl backwards whilst sitting down considering the latest training regiment involves rowing. Mitch Starc isn’t happy and we can understand why. The boys are happy to see the normally timid and well-mannered Paul Gallen employing grubbery tactics leading up to his Clash of the Codes fight. Nick-naming Barry Hall noodles is inspired and a tactic that is sure to garner a meek and subdued...

Golf Month has reached a plateau, according to Golfing Australia, which means it’s time to turn your attention to Just Short Of A Length’s Cox Plate special. Australian Horse Racing has been riddled with turmoil this week, all because we don’t have enough of the Force embedded in the sport. Make no mistake, a horse can absolutely retain it’s dignity as dog food, but only with the proper policing. Enter stage-left; Mick Fuller’s Horse Force and The Dignity Act. Tiger Woods is set to release...

Punters! Roy & H.G are off to the races for another weekend of massive collects! Fret not, and rest easy, as you can relive the disappointment with a highlights package and assortment of best bits. Roy and HG return Saturday 26 October on Macquarie Sports Radio.

Driving for show, putting for dough. Time to drag the bag, punters. Grip it and rip it, and get your daily dose of irons and morning woods - It’s Golf Month!  Why not celebrate with a round at Adelaide Oval, Australia’s newest golf course, and Adelaide’s most exciting new attraction since St Peter’s Cathedral opened its doors to worshipers and golfers alike.  Meanwhile, Sticky AKA Ricky AKA The Angry Ant AKA The Game’s Greatest Thinker AKA Carlos Smearson was robbed. The Green Machine was...

The Boot Part Two has written Monday’s headline for you: RUGBY LEAGUE IS THE WINNER!  The Chooks vs The Green Machine. Robbo vs the man they call Sticky AKA Ricky AKA The Angry Ant AKA The Game’s Greatest Thinker AKA Carlos Smearson… AKA League’s Funniest? Just ask the Gigglers in his posse, or wait until Sticky’s biography hits the shelves. A national security risk sits pride of place on the Canberra chest: Huawei. ASIO aren’t happy. Luckily, the ACT just legalised the GREEN in GREEN...

Patriots, pilgrims, five-goals-no-behinds-kicking-fair-dinkum punters… The Festival of the Boot 2019 starts with a Big Big Sound wrapped in a Yellow and Black sash. It’s the day Grub Greene has been waiting for since learning how to digitally probe the rods and cones of opponents in the junior Grub leagues.  And while the Big Dance is the focus on the day, eyes, ears and hearts yearn for the pre-match entertainment. Mike Brady’s Up There Cazaly. Paul Kelly’s ode to the MCG Leaps and Bounds....

It’s hard to tell if we’ve got more fireworks coming from faulty pyrotechnics or from this country’s sporting justice system. The NRL judiciary and AFL tribunal dominated the headlines this week and our boys are becoming concerned that the men and women who comprise these panels are becoming too much like C grade celebrities listening more to stylists and makeup artists than the lawyers and the fans. So bad is it now, that the old defence of “It wasn’t me out there - I don’t remember being...

Grubs. They’re good for the game - just ask Kevin Sheedy, who this week delivered a golden nugget of grub wisdom: nice teams come last. Take a leaf out of Toby Greene’s book and Get Your Grub On.   In the modern era, where Rugby League Centres of Excellence are becoming as common as Rugby League off-field incidents, all Centres should establish a School of Grub, where players are educated in dark arts of grubbery by a shady emeritus professor. Hair pulling, wing nutting, eye-gouging,...

Just a couple of beers, that's how it starts. Just a couple of footy players enjoying a couple of beers, all part of a winning diet. Simply The Best. Tina Turner’s Rugby League anthem sounds as good now as it did then, arguably even better. But better can be better still, a universal fact which the NRL understands better than anybody. So how do you make Simply The Best Simply The Even Better? Two words. Dave. Grohl. Pizza and Coke. Tastes like Saturday night. But is it the diet of a...

“I just want Australians to be Australians,” said Rampaging Roy Slaven, voicing the sentiment of quiet Australians from all corners of the globe. “What’s wrong with being Aussies, ey? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it - nothing.” Too. Bloody. Right.  Aussies. Sunburnt plains, girt by sea. From New York City to Old Trafford, we Meet as Friends and Part as Mates. That’s Aussies for you.  It’s the race that stops a nation and the musical matchup that stops the world. It’s fresh… it’s new…...

Don’t get Roy started on Max Verstappen…  We got caught up in the hype. Lengthers, Hoop Dreamers, eternal optimists naive enough to think that any sport would look magnificent if only it were played on a footy field - all of us. Marvel Stadium has set Basketball back a hundred years. Worse than that - it’s made Russell Crowe furious.  On the other hand, the geopolitical slyness is notable. It’s an Australian snub to China, whose preparations for the upcoming Basketball World Cup have...

When the player’s simply aren’t performing to the required controversy levels expected by the NRL, administrators are left with no choice but to step in and fill the void. A $15k ring undoubtedly topped by a sorcerer's football shaped diamond to which all referees and officials come under immediate control - exactly what Doctor Greenberg prescribed. Contrary to popular belief though, the controversy lies not in why Barb Smith deserved such gift but why the extended Smith family weren’t...

It’s not often that we see typically restrained professional golfers behaving more like rugby league reprobates but sometimes you’ve just got to throw your hands up and say ‘hey, that’s golf.’ Danish golfer Thorbjorn Olesen mid-flight antics are straight from the footy trip playbook. Drunk? Check. Urinating in the aisle? Check. Common assault? Check. But hey… That’s Golf! Sally Pearson has hung up her spikes and we salute you, Sally! In fact, Roy’s idea to honour our greatest hurdler is...

Take a knee, lend and ear, and soak up the unfiltered inspiration from Australia’s newest motivational luminary, John Eels: Build On The Confidence. Exactly how one Builds On The Confidence remains unclear. Regardless, it’s a life lesson as suitable for the Wallabies as it is for sandpaper buffs, right-thinking patriots, God talks to me pilgrims, mad cricket punters, and bald-headed flogs. Which is to say, you and me.  The Australian Cricket Team must Build On The Confidence of true skipper...

Put your egg beaters out. Masterchef’s pulsing heart - the trio of judges - have been put out to grass-fed pasture. Ironically, for George at least, over a pay dispute. But opportunity knocks and the trio, backed up by the blue sky world of reality TV formats, could be the solution Sydney’s latest construction crisis…. The Harbour City’s demolished but yet to be rebuilt football stadium has been plunged into chaos after builder Lendlease was punted from the project. The solution?...

There needs to be an investigation. The game and its loyal supporters deserve answers. Who knew what and when? We need Full Transparency. ARL Commissioner Mark Coyne’s Singapore Swearing Scandal could see the phones and email records of his fellow commissioners forensically investigated in pursuit of the truth. Who knew what and when? Full Transparency demanded. How could anybody in Rugby League keep a secret for seven weeks? It’s almost cinematic… The Missing Seven Weeks, starring Mark...

Australia’s perfect record in World Cup semi-finals (seven made, seven won) has been forever tarnished after the Poms got one back in that regrettable colonial grudge match. Poetically, rising from the smouldering wreck of a World Cup campaign is a refreshed, renewed, and WAG-free Australian side fixated on the only smouldering wreck that matters: The Ashes.  The visual elegance of test cricket could be permanently soiled by players wearing numbers on their backs, a blight on the creams....

Patriots, pilgrims, right-thinking punters… winning requires focus, success is contingent on commitment, triumph requires a Burning Desire… and an Ian Thorpe pep talk. You know a country has a Burning Desire to win the World Cup when they bodyline themselves in the nets. The Big Show ended up in hospital and Shaun Marsh copped a broken arm. Officials are investigating rumours that Pup was seen whispering advice to the bowlers… Grubs beget grubs. Why Grub McGuire is calling for Grub...

Justin Langer, Sticky Ricky, Freddy Fittler, Australian sport is littered with cerebral types, intellectuals, The Game’s Greatest Thinkers. Couldn’t the English cricket team do with the help of The Game’s Greatest Thinkers as the risk of Crexit grows with every mounting loss. The English press are savage, the public jaded, and the taxi drivers are mouthing off, just ask Jonny Bairstow. And isn’t it glorious to behold? A world cup Anzac Off, Australia vs New Zealand, and if these...

Pilgrims, patriots, punters… $36 worth of failed multi-bets has exposed a league at risk of being caught up in organised crime, while corporate bookmakers rule the roost. Do we need amnesty? Do we need a Players Betting Portal? Or do we need… the Tent of Truth? A billion tuned in to watch it. 800,000 loyal fans applied for tickets. But did little ol’ England didn’t have a suitably large venue? Of course not. Where’s the MCG when you need it? The people of India and Pakistan deserved a...